Livin' life like it's allready over

[popopo]

Anybody feel like they're life is allready over or something?
I might be the only one here, but my worst anxiety has allways been women. I've been insecure ever since I got rejected at age 12. I was the kind of guy that fell hard for a girl that eventually "just wanted to be friends".
Now I see exactly why and ironicaly enough I would probably get laid a lot if I just tried, but I feel like I couldn't please women anyway so I got no game.

I actually ignore women nowadays when I'm at parties because I'd rather get high/drunk. For me it feels like getting this disease is the ultimate failure (not literally, but it feels that way). I've been worried about appearance and penis size since I was a 12 year old and being not very popular, shy and insecure made it so that I started to believe I was ugly.

Eventually I got mad for being impopular, kind of a loser, etc. etc. I started PE and fitness.. These PE exercises are the reason I'm here now.. Strenght training faced me with the fact that my testosterone levels are naturally low. I started to get obsessed with the low number I naturally have, so I'm on TRT now and I must say it's the first time in my life people consider me to be a "big guy" (lucky to be 6'3").

Honestly, I think everything is "accapteable" about myself now (still no superstar, but I should learn to accept less). The only real problem now is the size and functrion of my penis, something I can't really change with steroids or working out.
This makes me feel like no matter what I do I'll never be a real man. In the period that my peyronie's progressed I started to think about suicide more and more and right now I smoke weed almost everyday because I get cranky without it (even with weed I can lose my temper sometimes and start crying/yelling in anger).

I'm wasting my ife right now. I'm 21 but I can't find motivation to do anything. I feel like chilling with friends is only fun with weed, partying seems pointless because it's allways about game, scoring and chicks.. I allways end up getting an angry drunk and I know I coulkd get myself killed when I have these moments, because I become a pure a$$hole. I'm also more of an a$$hole now in the way that I take advantage of people. If I don'thave weed I lose it so I steal money from the people I love and I hate myself even more for it. I just can't seem to find a way to build back some REAL condifence/ego because it all seems so pointless now.

Could anybody relate to this? Please share your story.

[popopo]

I'm 21 by the way, it adds to the feeling that life has just begun and it's allready over so not worth living.

[kuaka]

popopo,

There are medical advances all the time.  Hang in there.  Do what you can based on a thorough...and I mean thorough...reading here and let your own body tell you what is working and when you have found the limit of what stress you can put on yourself without causing additional issues.

kuaka

[Jimbruski]

Popopo,

Certainly sounds like you've got some depression going on.  The trouble with depression is that it blocks your view of reality.  I suffered from major depression for many years culminating in a suicide attempt in 2010.  Don't try this, I did and you won't like it.

Get with a good psychologist and work on dealing with depression.  I am a new person today because because I chose to get better and though it took some time, I made it and you can too.

Regarding your Peyronies, like kuala said, you have options and you can get better.  There's only one person who can make you better and that person is you.  In your mind not in your penis.

Good luck and I hope this helps you.  Feel free to ask questions either on the boards or by PM.

Jimbruski

[NeoV]

That sounds brutal man. There must be some way to improve your mental situation.

I always had a lot of trouble with girls, was rejected in high school many times and hated myself every day. I also had body image problems with my penis and didn't start liking my penis until right before Peyronies. I actually like my dick more than any time in my life now, which is ironic or just sad! So I know how you feel.

I just see no option but to blast through it. You may need a new friend group or a new town. Start talking to the shy dudes and help them out instead of comparing yourself to guys who might seem happier or without as many issues.

As far as positivity and game goes, these are both skills to be honed not something set in stone. Being bad at either is a fine starting point, since most guys who are naturally good in these areas never get better. It's usually the broken guys who rise up and make extreme effort. If not, they just haven't suffered enough, in a way. The hard part is finding like minded friends who are supportive and emotionally intelligent.

[popopo]

That's kind of true NeoV. I think I have grown more in a few area's because I became so obsessed with getting better with women. But I mostly started to pay attention to my looks. I became much more aware of what attracts women and that made me realize I don't measure up in more than just penile size. I have a whole lot of theories about this, but in short: women seem to be ALL OVER alpha male kind of guys and even though that is not true for ALL women, a true alpha male doesn't have to work THAT hard to get laid. I consider myself beta in most ways and women treat me that way. What I'm saying is that a female might "love" me but I will never experience how it feels when a woman "lusts after" me. It makes me feel so unattractive and boyish.. I'm sick of it and want power, but I have no power to achieve that power.. It's just so pointless because I can't change the whole package. TRT + working out has made me gain muscle, but in all reality I still don't look though, handsome or sexy. I just look "cute" to some women and that's about it.. I might as well be an enoch that's how humiliated I feel.

[popopo]

I'm not trying to whine, even though I know I kinda do, but I'm just lost here.. It feels like I'm trapped inside my body and it's not imagined. It is however a mental disease in the way that I can't ACCEPT what I see. But I do see it all so clearly and I know EXACTLY what's wrong with me.

[Perspex]

Sounds like a real hole you're in man. Terrible feeling

I started seeing a councillor recently, have you considered that? I put it off for years for one reason or another... Even during my early 20s when i was high all the time and ended up in a complete depression (I'm now 34). It could have helped me so much back then. I was surrounded by people just out for a good time and not in a place to be supportive, I found I became very isolated and trapped inside negative thought patterns.

this year has smashed me back 10 years. A 2 year relationship ended, 6 weeks later my mum suddenly died (64yrs old, from nowhere) then this peyronies occur ed from nowhere. I'm in the centre of a storm at this point in my life, and even then i was slow to get any help from anyone.

My councilling is donation based, I could get it for free but I do give a bit because I'm working. Maybe you could find something like that. I hesitated so many times. It really is worth a try at least.

It took me about 5 sessions before i even told her about the peyronies... which was ridiculous considering that it was causing so much turmoil, nightmares, fears for my romantic future, fear of embarrassing situations, fear of progression. But I guess I needed to build up some trust

Of course she was professional about it and said some very sane sensible things about it. It really really helped me, I left feeling much less tragic. I decided to stop obsessing about this issue, read books more, meet up with more people. Its been a much better week. The week before I was feeling in the depth of a depression like I haven't felt for man years. So perspective on things can change quickly if we are able to expose ourselves to the right influences

Sorry about the long story. I have just found councilling to be very helpful recently, especially for this issue where I hadn't told anyone. Councillors are professional and have heard much much worse stories than mine. They will also help you work through the other insecurities that have built up. It can be very enlightening and relieving to express these things to someone who can really "hear" you and give impartial sane pointers on how to deal with it.

Perspex