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Author Topic: The worst you have ever heard of  (Read 386 times)

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samsung

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The worst you have ever heard of
« on: June 10, 2019, 10:21:05 AM »

Before anyone reads this, please resist the urge to tell me I am a self-pitying shithead or mentally immature or that things will look up or I need to go to therapy again or some crap. Just read and go about your business because your comments won't help me. I will just rationalize around them and pick anything apart until it is dead. Please resist the urge to tell me anything.

This should make you all feel better about your situation. I could write 20 pages but will try to keep this as brief as possible. Bear with me as this all ties to peyronie's.

I am 44 years old. I have come on and off benzodiazepines over 50 times. The last time was in 2017. I did a slow taper until I couldn't stand it anymore. Then I did a rapid taper at a clinic in Virginia using Flumazenil. Rapid tapers cause symptoms to be much worse and last much longer. I know probably none of you are schooled in this and think of withdrawal off drugs to all be pretty much the same. This is totally false. I have a condition known as PAWS. It can last for years or be permanent.

My symptoms since August of 2018 have been severe depression, otherworldly bodily problems,  depersonalization, derealization, terrifying constant anxiety and the most debilitating of all, obsessions. But the thing is, I have always had obsessions. They are just 1000% worse now.

There isn't one second of the day where I don't speak to a therapist in my head about all the things that are wrong. It is involuntary and inescapable.

I have been to over 70 therapists for the last 30 years. I have been on every medication there is. I have tried ECT 22 times.

I have been diagnosed with everything. OCD, borderline personality, everything.

I have not had a relationship in 20 years. I am extremely unpleasant to be around. A black hole. I refuse to bring that kind of misery to another human.

So here comes the segue to peyronie's...

During a process (PAWS) that can not really be described to a human being, I get diagnosed with this disease. At first, my father told me not to worry about it. Said it will probably resolve itself and if it doesn't, then they have shots that cure it. I had so much on my plate that I mentally checked out about it. I went to a doctor in December 2018 and he said I wasn't mentally ready for any kind of treatment and to come back in 6 months. I have since learned that this will cripple me for life. If you don't do anything about this disease right away, you are f'~c<+d.

My father told me so many lies. That it doesn't cause flaccid length to decrease. That it has a stable chronic phase. That once you had a gain, that you had it for life, etc.

I had tasked him more or less from the beginning to learn as much as he could, to help his son with a deadly disease. He read for like 10 minutes and totally bungled all the information. Not because I think he is malicious or anything, but it is hard to believe otherwise. It has totally destroyed our relationship. And this short paragraph is an unfair characterization of our relationship. He cares in so many other ways. I just can't accept that he didn't read for 4 hours a day for a few months knowing that I couldn't handle something like that. And to not get everything all f'~c<+d up. I can't get my head around it.

At any rate, I didn't start thinking full time about peyronie's until about 2 weeks ago. During that time I learned of the extent of the disease. And the extent of his lies and misinformation. And the total evil of the doctor.

Overall, peyronie's has nothing to do, at least in my thinking, with how a female perceives me. The fact is, peyronie's was done to me by a malevolent force. I truly believe I am in a matrix type situation. You can't convince me otherwise. I believe you are all demons laughing at my pain. I don't even believe peyronie's is real except for me. I have never had someone take out their dick in front of me and prove it. My level of distrust is that strong.

Peyronie's for me is more about, this was done to me. This thing was taken from me. This penis is not my penis.

Writing this does not help. Venting does not help. It strengthens the obsession. 18 hours a day I only think peyronie's and see a constant image of my penis in my mind and constantly talk to an imaginary therapist in my head about all the terror. And it isn't something I can stop.

All therapy is BS. I would know. It is all designed to tell you that the thing that is occurring is not occurring.

At any rate, I just want to say for the record that I am undoubtedly the most f'~c<+d person on this planet. Nobody gets peyronie's in the middle of another hellish thing. Nobody got cancer while they were already at Auschwitz. If they did, they died.

I never even mentioned all the hundreds of other health problems I have ranging from sleep apnea to interstitial cystitis to insomnia, blah, blah.

Everyone keeps telling me to more or less "this too shall pass." But the truth they need to tell me and the thing I keep relentlessly trying to get anyone in the world to admit is that I am totally f'~c<+d. The hole is too deep to dig out of. The only fix is a bullet. I need an honest person to look me in the eye and tell me, "here is the cyanide, there is no help for you." Because anything else enrages me.

Almost all of you on here were mentally resilient people with good lives. Then you got peyronie's and now you have compensatory things that you focus on to cope with it. I have none of those things.

The ONLY reason I don't kill myself or others is that my father convinced me that there might be a hell.

So I am condemned to walk this earth a terrified zombie in a world of blackness. Until I die.

The only way for me to stop thinking all this is to give me back my dick. That is the sum total. All else is lies. Anyone that tells themselves that they are not their dick or any other rationalization is a liar. You are. And you know it. You just won't admit the truth that their is only eternal darkness until you are given back your property. Or rather until you are taken back in a time machine and it doesn't occur in the first place.

I don't have whatever mechanism you all have to think your way out. I am a 2 year old with crap in its pants. They do not understand acceptance. They only need the crap removed from their pants.
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Onset of symptoms pain (stinging like a wasp) was @ 6/2018. Do not remember how curve developed. Pain upon erection.

samsung

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Re: The worst you have ever heard of
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2019, 10:49:42 AM »

I don't have the mechanism you all have. To see things differently. Light will not dawn on marble head. You all have the ability to "change your mind."

I don't have emotions besides anger and fear. So things like acceptance or anything else for that matter are lost on me. You can't do therapy without understanding feelings. If you can't cry, how can you cry?

I relentlessly try to get anyone and everyone to admit I am doomed so that I can die. Because all I really want is just that, to die. Except I can't bring myself to kill myself. Believe me, I have tried. Can't do it. It's much harder than you think.

And the lizard part of me still hangs on. Just hangs there with nothing to back it up. No evidence. I am waiting in vain for a miracle that we all know is not there. So I need someone to say it. That there is only doom.

I don't know why I need this. I truly don't understand any of it.
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Onset of symptoms pain (stinging like a wasp) was @ 6/2018. Do not remember how curve developed. Pain upon erection.

AlexSamo

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Re: The worst you have ever heard of
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2019, 03:31:29 PM »

You all have the ability to "change your mind.


Not all. For the past few years I've learned one thing that explain a lot. Some people have f*cking incredible strong coping mechanism deep in their mind. So they are able to cope even after they becoming cripples, have cancer, etc. While some other people have a weak coping mechanism and can't handle with serious troubles in life. Beside that people with weaker coping mechanism are more common to be "red pill" minded (google what is meaning of blue pill and red pill). Weaker coping mechanism makes you to see world without pink glasses. That's it.
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Bubba dawg

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Re: The worst you have ever heard of
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2019, 04:28:36 PM »

samsung, you're focusing on reality too much. Try delusional for awhile. Works a lot better to get you through this world. The good news is in 40 years you will probably die of natural causes. Even better time speeds up dramatically after you reach 55. Every week is now a blur for me. Time is just flying by. Every day you focus on the negative is such a waste of the little time you have left on this earth. I now look back on the time I wasted as a teen and regret it. Up to you to change your life and make the best out of a bad situation. 44 is still relatively young. 55+ is relatively old. 10 years is what separates you from old age
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5 Rounds of Xiaflex. Good results.

I am known to give out false information and post nonsense with little to no evidence to back up my claims.
I have ignored several warnings. Further reports to the moderators or Administrators and I will be banned.

TonySa

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Re: The worst you have ever heard of
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2019, 05:08:57 PM »

Samsung, I’m so sorry for your situation.  Is an implant an option for you as it resolves both Erectile Dysfunction and peyronies?  Both are gone after, and you have an election in demand any time you want.  Given, there is a somewhat painful (more so for some, less for others) surgery recovery period ..but you’ve handled so much pain-you’d probably breeze through it.
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PxD 2 yrs, failed all tx. 9/18: excision, grafting & implant Dr Karpman MtnView Ca, AMS CX 18cm + 3rte

samsung

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Re: The worst you have ever heard of
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2019, 09:05:28 PM »

I honestly am not sure it is appropriate at this time to consider an implant. I haven't done anything really to help myself. Just scrambling now. Bought a restorex, got all the supplements, started keto, etc.
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Onset of symptoms pain (stinging like a wasp) was @ 6/2018. Do not remember how curve developed. Pain upon erection.

TonySa

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Re: The worst you have ever heard of
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2019, 09:10:07 PM »

All great to give a try, keep us posted for support when you’re ready.
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PxD 2 yrs, failed all tx. 9/18: excision, grafting & implant Dr Karpman MtnView Ca, AMS CX 18cm + 3rte

Hawk

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Re: The worst you have ever heard of
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2019, 10:28:53 PM »

Samsung, you clearly expressed despair, delusion, and hopelessness, in probably the most explicit terms I have ever read, and that is saying something.  I am sorry for your despair and all that you have and are currently going through but I am also encouraged that you are trying things.  It shows you have more hope and fight in you than you think, at least at times. 

Do not look to us for permission to die.  We cannot give that and whether for the good or for the worse death will come soon enough.  In the meantime, since you are here anyway, at those times when you think there is nothing you can do to make your life worth living, look around and see if you can do one small thing to make some other miserable soul's life slightly better even if for a few moments.  You may not feel any better but don't do it for yourself.  Be an answer to someone else's pain.  Then at least your existence will matter to someone if not to yourself.

I wish I could give you more but you made it clear you mostly wanted to vent not get advice so I will just let you know that I listened and I heard you.

Best wishes.
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Prostatectomy 2004, radiation 2009, currently 68 yrs old
After pills, injections, VED - Dr Eid, Titan 22cm implant 8/7/18
Hawk - Updated 10/27/18 - Peyronies Society Forums
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