Painful ejaculation

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My partner of 19 years had the Nesbit procedure almost a year ago. He doesn't/won't talk or discuss it. The procedure seemed to be successful but he still wouldn't have sex. We actually had sex for the first time a couple of weeks ago but he appeared to be in pain during ejaculation. Now he won't come near me nor will he discuss it. It is tearing our relationship apart and I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice before our relationship falls completely apart. Not because we can't have sex but because of his rejection towards me it is soul destroying  


Suejan -- There is always hope. Unraveling the male brain, peeling back the layers so that you can gain understanding -- as you know this is a mammoth undertaking which requires immense patience. And, grace.

The most common possible explanations for his rejection:

1) Being a man, he has his own expectations of what a dick and a sex life should be. He's not meeting his own expectations and feels tremendously self-deprecating. This is usually accompanied by a man's own internal narrative which can make him unpleasant to be around, and make it feel like rejection. The main thing being rejected is the man, himself.

2) A secret. Over time, he may have developed a habit that is meeting his sexual needs. Especially if there was a season where, in his opinion, "he wasn't getting any..." There are a number of habits to choose from, but a classic symptom of a man who has a secret is that he rejects his lover without explanation.

Guys aren't known for being good communicators in a relationship in the first place. Our thoughts and actions as men exponentially compound our situations.

Now, about his surgery. When you say "almost a year ago" what does that mean? I can tell you first hand, no sex during first six weeks. Several unfulfilled attempts in weeks seven through nine. And then small sessions toward success. By the six month mark, I was able to have sex with some pain, but it was measurably on the decline.

I'm at the 13th month now, and there is no pain from the surgery.

Have there been any complications post-surgery? You've seen the results, yes? Is there a problem?

One question worth asking to him: If you went through the trouble to get corrective surgery, why are you now not willing to use that thing?!?!

Male sensibilities being what they are, most of us would play possum or ignore the question, or ignore the asker -- particularly if there's a secret.

I believe most men want to confess and bare their souls. But getting those first words to roll out is like pulling teeth. We just need gentle, unrelenting prodding. From his perspective, he will verbalize that you are provoking him (classic deflection from the truth).

Don't be deterred. And, don't be distracted by his early responses which will be smoke screens most likely -- for the average guy.

Besides, even if provocation is what it takes, getting the truth out has obvious benefits. And, there's always opportunity to "make up."

Those are just my quick thoughts from my experience and guys like me that I've spoken with over time.

Sounds like he's worth fighting for! Persist. Don't give in.


Hi John thank you for taking the trouble to reply. My partner had the procedure at the end of September 2016. I helped him as much as he would allow and tried my best to be kind and understanding without putting him under any pressure whatsoever. I gave him all the time he needed and had even come to terms with the fact that we may never be intimate again. None of this has been discussed as he will not talk about it and if I do try and talk to him he just gets angry. My partner is 7 years older than me and although it's not a huge age gap I still feel cheated and I miss him terribly. The only thing he has said to me is that because his dick doesn't work anymore then he can't love me and can only love his children and sisters! I have held on to this relationship because I love him and can't imagine my life without him. So when we actually made love a couple of weeks ago I thought it was a huge break through as a couple but obviously not. He was definitely in pain during ejaculation but has not said a word! I was going to suggest going back to urologist but I don't know how to. His coldness in every day life is awful to live with and the rejection is painful. We had such a loving close relationship. I am now on the brink of making plans to leave as I really feel this is what he now wants.


Suejan, as a guy just starting to go through everything involved with this disease, I can say it can be VERY hard to talk about. That said, talking to others on this forum has helped me open up to my wife about what I am feeling, and that has been a HUGE relief to me. So, just adding my few words of support, and hoping that the two of you can work through this. You are welcome here and welcome to contact for specific advice or just to talk things through.



I believe that JohnW gave some good advice. I would ask you though, was he willing to talk about the Peyronies before surgery with you? Has he said he has pain in general since the surgery or do you think it is just when you're having intercourse? Has he been back to the surgeon who did the procedure to discuss the pain he is having? if not he should do so.

Men are not the best at communication as JohnW said and women..... well we want to talk everything out, get to the bottom line so that the issue whatever it is can be fixed. Problem here is that if only one of you are willing then it will be harder to fix this. I think that before you do something rash and walk away you should lay it all out on the table. You don't have to yell or scream about it, just say there are things I need to say and talk to him. Allow him to respond even negatively if he needs to but if he knows you aren't coming into the conversation to fight about it he may be more open to discussion.

I wouldn't walk away just yet. I know that you are feeling desperate but I urge you to hang in there.

Moderator since 2015- Missouri- I work in the medical field and have strong knowledge of insurance and how to obtain coverage for medication and other treatments. Being a woman I do not have Peyronies but you can ask me anything. I am happy to help.


Thank you Stabler for your kind words. I am so exhausted with all this but I will def think about what you and everyone has said. Thank you for all the support  


Support is why we are all here. Lean on us if you need to at any time.

Moderator since 2015- Missouri- I work in the medical field and have strong knowledge of insurance and how to obtain coverage for medication and other treatments. Being a woman I do not have Peyronies but you can ask me anything. I am happy to help.