We are not youngsters by any means, both life experienced and after time being single following ended marriages we found each other. I knew I liked you before we actually met and the minute I saw you for the first time I fell in love with you in a heartbeat. Emotionally we had such a great connection and you truly made me smile, laugh and feel special. When we finally decided to take our relationship to being a sexual one it was all the above that made the connection and intensity amazing. I truly fell madly, deeply in love with you.
We have been together now for 16 amazing months and during this honeymoon period of adventure and fresh excitement we have had to manage a couple of life changing stresses one that has bonded us together further and then just at the point of needing to recover from this you discovered you had Peyronies Disease four months ago. You are such a beautiful reserved man, which I find typical for our era, not wanting me to see and certainly not wanting me to touch it. I offered my reassurance, as I still do, then with a level of non understanding of the full implications really. We made love still but less frequent and I could see you were worried and in pain. As the frequency of lovemaking declined I started to do some research myself, especially once you had been to the Urologist and came back almost giving up hope for the next 18 months!.
I've learnt that practically the
acute stage can be painful and hopefully it will pass, the bend may never go and we'll manage that once the pain has gone or is controlled. I learnt that America seem to put more effort into treatments and in the UK you are a lot less limited (ooo an excuse to move across the pond??). I have learnt that emotionally this is an integral part of your manhood and you are dealing with that sense of loss. I have read from others, although limited, that concerns are held about partners leaving them and I wanted to say that this will not break us, the disease itself will not define us but a lack of intimacy may be a sticking point.
My feelings towards you have not changed my love, you are still the most beautiful man in the world to me, my heart still misses a beat when I see you and the thought of you still makes me smile. It's my feelings towards myself that this disease has taken from me, where once I was confident of my sexual prowess I am now uncertain, where once I felt wanted I now feel avoided, where once I felt in times of stress our passion would hold us together I now feel vulnerable, unsure and insecure. Where I once felt confidence in my ability to woo you I now fear rejection and most of all I feel guilty for all of that as I don't want you to have any more pressure to deal with in all this.
You seem so distant and have shut down completely currently but I'm still here, I can't imagine what you are battling but I haven't gone anywhere I'm waiting for you, you are still the most beautiful man in the world to me always remember that. I long for your touches, I have accepted for now we will not have penetrative intercourse and that is ok, honestly it is, being intimate is way more than that for me, but don't be worried about touches that can not lead further, I long for them, don't stop the long kisses or the tender curess of my breasts that use to end up with our clothes on the floor as it's the only closeness I get with you currently, don't assume masterbating is any substitute for the closeness of skin to skin contact because it doesn't even compare and don't roll over, say your tired as we go to bed I know we are not having sex but a cuddle to bond us back together and offer reassurance is most welcome.
I am hopeful we will get to the other side of this together, please don't push me away.
Author
Topic: A letter to my boyfriend.... (Read 5226 times)
March 26, 2013, 02:40:26 AM