Completely impotent 36 year old trying for children

[PeetyPeet]

Hi guys,

WARNING: this is likely to be a melodramatic and pitiful post. And I'm sure you're sick of hearing about my corporal fibrosis by now, but I'm going though a particularly bad period, emotionally, and I'm surrounded by people who I either can't talk to, or have heard it all before.

So I've had ED since I was 24. It went from mild to severe over the first couple of years, then reached somewhat of a status quo until this time last year when it's severity increased significantly. We still don't know what was the initial cause - I have no history of injury or trauma - but I've always assumed that the increase in severity is caused by hypoxia from lack of nocturnal erections. To get an erection good enough for penetrative sex I currently need 20mg Cialis, 4g l-arginine, and not to have eaten a meal recently. To get a pretty good erection I also need to be hungover and not had sex in at least a week.

During my status quo phase, 10mg cialis was enough for a good erection. 20mg gave me a great one. It was during this time I met my wife, marrying summer 2014. At that stage the future looked pretty bright. I'd got over my initial distress some years previously, and I naively thought I could just carry on taking 10mg as and when and lead a normal life. But, well, silly me.

My wife knows I have been having problems this past year. She knows I've been visiting the doctors, and that I'm waiting to see an expert. She knows I'm very worried about the future. She also knows I've joined a forum . I'm not sure she really understands, but she's supportive. She doesn't know that I take Cialis, she doesn't know that I've always taken Cialis since our first meeting, and she doesn't know the full extent of my history. To her, this is a relatively recent thing.

I don't enjoy keeping things from her. We met while teaching abroad. I was 28, she was 23. Both of us assumed it was just a holiday romance for the first year - little more than two people having some fun. I didn't see any point in dragging down a temporary fling by 'confessing'. And besides cialis can be taken discreetly. But then we fell in love, and I got a little indignant, deciding that despite my 'disability' I had a right to love too, and justifying it to myself one way or another, I never told her. So we eventually moved back to the UK together, moved in together and then got married. I was so blissfully happy I forgot about any need to be honest with my wife, taking Cialis discreetly just became part of my routine.

So we've been trying to get pregnant for the past 4 months or so. My wife desperately wants children and is getting upset and frustrated. I can't forget the look on her face last month - she was late and got excited, only to find out that she wasn't pregnant after all. Given everything, I just can't have sex with her as often as I'd like / need to. And then more recently, like last night, despite my usual concoction of medication and supplements, I couldn't get it up at all. Words don't convey the upset, frustration, inadequacy, worry, and guilt that I feel so poignantly in these moments. My wife is an amazing, beautiful woman. How I wish I could show you guys a photo from our wedding day! She's young, vibrant, and has everything going for her. Many might say she deserves better than this and I wonder how long it will take her to realise it for herself.....It's also so upsetting. I've never cried over it. I don't cry easily.  But I can't lie, I've flirted with the idea of suicide. You just feel so helpless. It's on my mind all the time and I don't sleep well.

I'm a fairly proactive guy. For the most part, I like to tackle problems head on and find a resolution by my own initiative. So it's a source of constant and increasing frustration being forced to rely on medical professionals who for the most part have been unsympathetic, dismissive and inept. Of all that I've seen, just one urologist has acknowledged the considerable negative impact severe ED can have on quality of life. The first 'expert' I saw back when I was 24, is probably the most renowned urologist in the country. He's also a c&%$. He wrote me off as having a psychosexual problem despite minimal tests and clear evidence to the contrary, and given his status, going forward doctors would always refer back to his conclusion despite new evidence, and new conclusions from other urologists that my problem was physiological.

And then there's the NHS. Jesus, this is an essay in it's own right. I value and believe in free medical treatment available to all. But in an institution that's so underfunded, mismanaged, bogged down in red tape, and bursting at the seams,  we men with our 'rare' penis problems are at the very bottom of their list of priorities. Or so it feels. I've experienced set backs at almost every stage.  I've had referrals go missing, doctors 'ticking the wrong boxes', lost urine and blood samples, arbitrary tests repeated for no reason other than to provide a semblance that they're doing something (What, you want to give me a diabetes test again?). Not to mention the ridiculous waiting times. Over 2 months just to be told that, no, the NHS will not fund your Potaba prescription. A letter in the post - sorry your appointment with so-and-so has been delayed by 2 months, on top of the 3 months you've already been waiting. Constantly having to call up your GP to chase up referrals is F^@$!ng exhausting!

Over the years, in moments of desperation, I've told some friends about my ED. This was a mistake. Some of them just didn't know how to react, and that's okay...not helpful, but understandable. One friend let me down. He started hinting that I should give him some cialis, and then he got nosey - every time we met up he'd ask me about it, like it was the only topic we could talk about. He's the kind of guy who likes a bit of drama in his life and also to hear about the drama in other peoples'. I had to tell him stop and we've not been the same since. Which is a shame. I also have an ex-girlfriend who let me down considerably. She encouraged.....no...bullied me into becoming emotionally dependent on her only to dismiss me in the worst way possible. I hate to say it as they're two very different people, but this has influenced how I have approached this issue with my wife.

My parents have been exceptional, and I'm very lucky in that regard. My mother in particular. Back in my mid twenties I had to tell them because I needed the money to go private. I've spared them the gory details, but I've still had to be pretty straight with them at times. Given their generational values, they've taken it all pretty well. Still, at times it's been upsetting. Sometimes my mum has just listened in silence, because she doesn't know what to suggest. I've felt very much alone, in these moments, and it's a feeling that has become second nature. I suppose no one can truly know what it's like unless they've experienced it themselves...and any women on the forum please forgive me....I think it's particularly hard for women to understand. Like really understand. Like I can't truly understand what it's like to have a painful period, or a miscarriage, or to give birth.

Still, my mum is a legend. Despite moving away from home, I stayed registered at my GP surgery, as to change surgeries would mean I would have to start the referrals process again. Plus I've recently seen a young female GP who seems to be fighting in my corner. This means my mum has to collect my cialis and potaba prescriptions and post them or give them to me in person. All in secret from my wife! I wonder how she'd feel if she know the conspiracy that surrounds her!

So yeah, the future looks bleak and I'm very worried. I'm currently waiting to see My Minhas, who is probably the best the UK has to offer, but regardless of what he finds the treatment will probably remain the same. I think it's only a matter of (a short) time before I require a prosthesis. That's something I find abhorrent, and I believe my wife would too. I take some comfort from reading the forum anecdotes of prosthesis ops, but - and I mean no disrespect here - the ones I've read seem to be from older members, who already have children and/or are in long, successful relationships. We've not been married two years yet and to face such a hurdle! This may insult some of you, and I'm really sorry I mean no offence, but as distressing and debilitating as peyronies can be, since joining the forum there have been moments when I've been almost jealous of those out there who can still get an erection. More so, those that have received successful (non-surgical) treatment and/or enjoy a sex life.

I've found this forum to be excellent. It's been a great resource and every question I've posted has received some kind of response, and they've always been mature, considered and helpful to the best of the poster's ability. I wish I could contribute more, but not having 'classic' peyronies symptoms I don't to comment on things I haven't experienced myself.

Anyway, sorry for long post. I'll keep researching and see what the future brings.

Best

Peety

[rich68]

Hi Peety

No need to apologise for the long post. I am always interested to learn more about coporal fibrosis. Sometimes it helps to write everything down like you have done so you can take a step back and try to see the whole picture.

I can certainly relate to what you say about your contacts and the NHS. It really does seem difficult for others to truly understand how us men feel about these issues. The NHS does some things very well, but it helps if you have an illness which has a known solution or is a very common problem. They don't seem to have the time to think about the patient's best interests.

When your hopes and dreams have been crushed you do wonder what the point of it all is and what life is all about. But although it may not feel like it, there is always something to live for. I am sure the children will arrive at some point and they will give you another perspective on life.

It is nice to know your new GP is on your side and that your wife and parents are supportive where they can be. It would be good if your wife knew about the cialis. Perhaps it would help.

I hope you get somewhere with Mr Minhas. If not, there are still others to try. You also have time, for treatments to improve in the future.

I don't post very often for the same reason as yourself. I wish you all the best and I hope to read some good news after your consultation.

[QuackAttack]

Peety,
Get a book how to determine the sec of your child. It is written by a professor of medicin at UCLA. The reason to get this book is the book will tell you the ideal time to have sex based on her body temperature which is regulated by her cycle. Then you will have enough built up to shoot the was, so to speak, and better your odds of getting pregnant.  She should be supplementin too to help with her cycle. Look up Dr. Joel Wallach and pregnancy.  

[james1947]

PeetyPeet

You got a good advice from QuackAttack

James

[Pfract]

If you are not registered, definitely go to FT and register youself. Later, if you say completely impotent after so many years, you know what the solution is, if you want to end it long term. Depends on the path you want to take, and when you decide to end it.

Also, you are completely wrong about all you said in regards to implants. There is lots of informations on implants there on FT, and there are lots of guys your age also. Plus. Check merrix's thread there. Definitely one of the best threads there regarding all the procedure, thoughts, healing and where to go for best results.

In this day in age, there is no reason (besides  money) one cannot have a "normal" sex life.  

[Jonbinspain]

Peety Peet;

I spoke to Franklin Kuehhas yesterday. I have sent you a P.M.  

[PeetyPeet]

Hi guys,

I just wanted to thank everyone for your advice. It's a comfort knowing that even a spontaneous and overly long emotional outburst such as this is read and receives a response.

QuackAttack - thank you I'll buy a book
Pfract - Thank you I've just joined FT
Jonbinspain - very thoughtful! Thanks again!
James - I agree! Thank you.
Rich68 - Thanks, here's hoping for a bright future. I think stem cell research is the key!

Best

Peety

[QuackAttack]

Peety,

I'll add. The book is spot on. We wanted a boy for our second kid, did what the book said and shazam, boy. Here is the Amazon link to the book:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Choose-Sex-Your-Baby/dp/0767926102

[PeetyPeet]

Hi guys,

After writing my original post, some time in March we found out my wife was pregnant. We were over the moon, myself in particular. Given our sporadic sex life I was really surprised. The thought of my wife pregnant filled me with hope and helped me through an unpleasant Penile MRI which I posted about.

Today, we had the 12 week ultrasound scan. The baby did not have a heart beat. It looks like we lost it at 8-9 weeks. We're completely devastated.

1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, apparently for 'natural' reasons. Given that the root cause of my corporal fibrosis is most likely inadvertent steroid abuse I can 't help but wonder if I have abnormal sperm. Steroids can make permanent changes to your endocrine system after all. There's no point approaching a doctor about this though, they'll just repeat what we've already been told.

Anyway, sorry, my wife has had it tough enough for one day and I've no one else to whom to vent, so I thought I'd just get it out here.

Cheers

Peety

[rich68]

Really sorry to hear this Peety. Changes to sperm as a result of steroids should be at least mostly reversible and testing could be done to check this if you continue to have problems. It's almost certainly just a case of bad luck.

[PeetyPeet]

Thanks Rich.

A week later we're coming to terms with it. It feels like I'm having an awful lot of bad luck. But I'm sure every forum member feels the same.

Here's to next time.