I broke up with my girlfriend

[Thisismyusername]

My girlfriend came to visit me this week and I ended up getting upset on the second day of our visit and breaking up with her.  We have been long distance for a year and a half now.  She finished her degree, while I'm still working on mine for another few years.  After she finished her degree I wanted her to move in with me but she decided to move back in with her dad, on the other side of the country.  She is very picky about where she will live and thinks the area I live in is really boring.  She also feels really drained from dealing with my anxiety from having peyronie's disease and chronic pain.  I've been making gradual progress but I guess it's not enough for her.  

She made a remark about how there is nothing to do where I live and I got upset.  We don't have any realistic plan to move in together and I don't want to be long distance forever.  I'm in love with her and I feel really hurt by her decision to not move in with me and the fact that she seems more interested in living in a "fun" place than with me.  So I broke up with her.  Logically I just don't see our relationship making any sense.  But emotionally I am destroyed right now.  She is the first person I ever had a relationship with, the first person I ever had sex with, the first person I fell in love with.  I thought that we were going to get married and live together for the rest of our lives.  I hurt my penis early in the relationship and it has largely overshadowed the entire relationship and had a very negative effect on things.  I've had a hard time coping with that.  She feels her needs aren't taken care of and that I am being selfish.  I guess I have learned over time that we just don't see things the same way.  

Now I feel incredibly lonely and depressed and have a lot of anxiety.  She is very upset at me because of the way things happened and I feel very badly about the timing of everything.  She had to reschedule her flight to an earlier flight and she got a hotel room to avoid having to say with me.  She gave back the valentines gift I gave to her.  I don't want to get rid of any of her stuff or gifts because I'm still in love with her.

Because of my penis and health I don't have any interest in dating again.  I just feel really upset that this is how everything turned out.  The emotional part wishes I had never broken up with her, but the logical part of me still thinks our relationship doesn't make any sense.  I've never dealt with something like this before.  

[nemo]

I feel for you.  I can tell you I let the stress of my Peyronies Disease (and some ED I was experiencing as a result) ruin a relationship, and I still regret it. I simply became obsessed with it and let that obsession cast a shadow over the entire relationship - so it's no wonder to me why the girl got sick of dealing with the stress (my stress). I have no doubt she would have gladly stuck with me had I not let anxiety consume my every waking moment.  

So my suggestion is this. You're still in the "zone" where straightening this out (no pun intended) is possible. If you love her and want to be with her - act on that, tell her, and get yourself in hand. If you don't want to be with her, then that's another story.

If I could do one thing different, it would be to relax and stop being my own worst enemy. If that thought strikes a chord with you, then it's not too late.  

Best,
Nemo

[Thisismyusername]

Yeah, sometimes I do feel like my own worst enemy.  I feel like my anxiety consumed me and ruined my relationship.  I think it may be too late.  I just texted her and she responded very angrily to not contact her again, saying that she stuck with me through the hard times and then I broke up with her because she needed some time to herself and I wouldn't give that to her.  

I guess I wish that I could be more stable and worry less.  And I wish that I wasn't so hurt by her decision to move away, but I just couldn't seem to cope with that.  I have a feeling most people would be hurt by that, but she doesn't seem to understand that.  

Emotionally, I'm just not ready to move on.  But staying with her in many ways just feels like I'm constantly reopening my emotional wounds.  But at the same time it gives me hope that somehow things could work out and we could be happy together.  Maybe I just need to accept that won't happen.  It seems pretty clear she is in the stage where she begins to convince herself that I was wrong for her so that she can move on more easily (or is this just more catastrophic thinking?  Sometimes it seems like I self fulfill my disastrous prophecies).  

[emasculated]

I went through a breakup right before the whole Peyronie thing started. So I was pretty alone with my fears. But it all got better.
I'm sure you can improve too.

This is not a matter of logic, but a matter of the heart. Maybe the first is currently more convincing, but in the long run your feelings will tell you that it was a mistake to react that way.
If her dad lives at the other end of the country moving in with you means quite a separation from her family. You may actually live in a pretty boring place from her perspective.
It's no use to beg her to come back as that would basically lower your chances of that happening.
I would simply talk to her before her flight back saying that you respect her decision, it's only that you feel like you're improving a lot and you could imagine everything being as it used to be between the two of you (reminding her of the good times you had, the moments you had together etc.) and it's kind of sad that this is not going to happen. I would also point out that after some thought you can understand her perspective a little better and that you just overreacted.

I hope you can manage to repair this. If not then it is not meant to be. You can get over a breakup.. it takes a few years (in my case) but it's possible. And believe me.. Peyronie's will improve. We have pretty similar cases. From my symptoms I really thought it's the end of everything, but it actually did get better very slowly over time.

[james1947]

Thisismyusername

I think your assessment bellow is wrong:  

she seems more interested in living in a "fun" place than with me.

You can't put it in this way as it is not simple like that. Have people that are home dwellers, I mean they like to stay at home and don't go nowhere, have people that needs activity an fun. I broke my relations with an excellent woman because she liked just to stay at home and I like to go out and have fun.
I also think that living faraway for long time is not healthy for any relationship.
Last, I will second Nemo. If you really want to continue your relations with her, you must work on it. Especially in the part that you have to give her much more attention and not be too busy with your problems.

James

[emasculated]

Also.... you write

I thought that we were going to get married and live together for the rest of our lives.

I don't want to get rid of any of her stuff or gifts because I'm still in love with her.

I would tell her these things face to face before she leaves! And a thank you for being there for you during the hard times.
Little things like that can make a girl reconsider on the flight back.. At least you won't regret later not having said what you feel, even if it doesn't work out.

[Thisismyusername]

Thanks for the responses.  She knows that I love her and wanted to marry her.  She said the same about me.  Right now she is very angry at me and she has already left for the hotel.  I don't even know which hotel it is, so I can't see her in person again.  At this point, it's really too late for me to do anything.  If she processes this and decides she hates me, then that's how it is.  If she decides that she wants to still be with me then I am very open to that but I feel like there needs to be some change.  I need to work on myself and become more stable.  But we also have major issues seeing things differently and although I try to take care of her needs, I never seem to succeed.  In my opinion I'm not the only one at fault here, I think she does not express her own needs clearly to me.  I would be happy to support her if I could.  I want to, but it seems like it just never happens.  I feel like she blames me for this and doesn't seem to understand that I try to support her in my own ways, which she doesn't seem to recognize.  

If supporting her just means being apart, then I have a hard time with that.  It seems completely counter to the whole concept of a relationship.  It doesn't make sense to me.  I guess I feel like two people in a relationship should be together, not apart.  I feel like it is hard for us to continue long distance indefinitely.  How will we grow together and learn to take care of each other like that?  I just don't understand.  So sometimes I think our differences are just too fundamental.  I want to work on our issues but I don't see how we do that without getting to spend time together and be there in person for each other.  So I feel like our relationship has just stagnated because of the distance.  

In any case I will miss her and the experiences I had with her a lot.  I hope that at least she will overcome her anger towards me at some point.  

[james1947]

Thisismyusername

I mentioned in my previous post the distance factor, so I agree 100% with your sentences:

I don't see how we do that without getting to spend time together and be there in person for each other.  So I feel like our relationship has just stagnated because of the distance.  

If you will not find solution to this subject, you can't find solution to your relationship.

James

[emasculated]

It does suck.. the long distance. I know many couples who make it work out of necessity because their job situation leaves them no other choice. Even married couples among them. As long as there is a long term goal to get together, to be in one place in the long run, it can work. Why not ask her what her long term plan is? Maybe you could agree on something.

[Thisismyusername]

Well it's good that at least someone agrees with me.  I don't feel like it's unreasonable to want to be near the person that I love.  Her plan for moving in together is basically wait until I finish my degree (about 3 years) and then she will "try" to move in with me.  But that doesn't make me at all confident in our future, given that she is so picky about where she wants to live.  She could find a job where I am right now and move in, but she doesn't want to.  I will most likely try to stay in academia which means that I won't have my first choice of places to live.  I will have to choose from whatever positions I get.  So even in 3 years it seems we likely won't live together.  That's why I broke up with her.  It's just so painful because when I'm with her I am so happy.  

Right now she is mad at me for breaking up with her after she spent so much time trying to support me.  But honestly I would stay with her if she felt like I was supporting her and she needed that support.  There is no chance I would ever abandon her.  I honestly suggested we break up because it seemed like the best thing for both of us.  The relationship just didn't make sense to me.  If she told me she needed my support and asked me to do something for her then I would do it and be happy about doing something for her.  If she said she didn't want me to leave because she needed me in her life then there is no chance I would leave her.  But it just doesn't seem like she feels that way.  So I just don't understand.  

[james1947]

I agree with you again Thisismyusername:

wait until I finish my degree (about 3 years) and then she will "try" to move in with me.

Makes no sense. Why to wait an other 3 years? Why not to "try" moving in now?

James

[Thisismyusername]

I spoke to her on the phone and she feels that after what I did yesterday and this morning the breakup is final.  I agreed to go no contact.  

I guess now I just need to accept things and move on.  Maybe it's for the best, I don't know.  It's going to be a long road.  

Sure as hell wish my penis wasn't ruined at a time like this though.  

[james1947]

Thisismyusername

In my opinion, your GF answer that the breakup is final says that the breakup was coming sooner or later in any case.
You should think forward and find someone that will be ready to go with you wherever you will go. I know is not easy, but don't let your feeling down.

James

[Thisismyusername]

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[Thisismyusername]

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[Thisismyusername]

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She called me back, she doesn't want to end things like this.  So we agreed to see each other tomorrow and try to have a more level headed discussion of where things are going.  So I'm feeling better now.

Very sorry for all the drama.  It was a rough two days.  

[emasculated]

I'm really happy to read this. Best wishes.

[james1947]

I am also happy to read your last post Thisismyusername.
Most of the problems in life are just misunderstandings.
About the drama, I suppose all of us or almost all of us on this forum have one.

James

[Thisismyusername]

She ended up being able to change her flight back to the original one and we were able to have a wonderful visit together.  I'm so happy that we were able to recover from this and she forgives me for overreacting.  We both very much want to be together and I feel like we understand each other better now.  Of course we will still be long distance so that is tough but I feel better about things because I feel like we reaffirmed our commitment to each other and I saw that she really does want to be with me and does eventually want to move in together when the time is right.  Thanks guys for talking.  Sorry for all the drama.  

[james1947]

Sorry for all the drama.

We all need to vent sometimes Thisismyusername.
Wish you wonderful future together with your girlfriend.

James  

[BoatFool]

If you love the girl and want to be with her, have you considered finding a school in the area where she wants to live?

[Thisismyusername]

BoatFool, that's not really an option I'm in a PhD program and already have an advisor.  I'd have to totally restart, take classes and qualifying exams again, and find an advisor, and all the progress towards research I've done would be a waste because my new advisor would have a different topic for me.  And that only solves the problem until I graduate and would probably have to move to get a job.  

[Funny9097]

This is so true - I let issues in my life about 5 years ago make me feel like total crap. I felt that my career sucked, my health in this department sucked, that my girlfriend wasn't good enough, etc. but really I had it quite well overall. In the end this negative perspective clouded everything. I'm still in pretty great shape overall (I have a good job, I still have some sex life, I'm in relatively good shape, etc.) but I constantly have anxiety / stress over the ED I suffer from.

It's easier said than done but you really have to be positive, grateful for what you go and forward looking. No dwell/mull over the problem in your head over and over and over again. I bet that in 5 years you'll look back on your current situation and say 'hey, I could have done things so much better and been just fine' and 'hey, I actually had it pretty good and wish I did this this and that'.

Instead everyone needs to clear their minds, stay positive, and start now! The only catch is that it's easier said than done..  

Funny9097

If I could do one thing different, it would be to relax and stop being my own worst enemy. If that thought strikes a chord with you, then it's not too late.  

Best,
Nemo

[Funny9097]

Hey,

I just posted on your page so read my last post too.

I have been dealing with ED for the last roughly 10 years and it has been a difficult path I must say. I am 29 years old and I too damaged my dick with a girl that I loved and went through all of University with her and a damaged private part. After that and about a years time things did end up ending.

My advice to you is what I said below in my last post as well as this -

Don't bend too much. The thing that will make her want to be with you is an unrelenting focus on personal growth/development.

Position yourself well by eating healthy, working hard, making a good income, etc. etc.

There is a blog on Reddit.com that talks about the 'blue pill' vs the 'red pill' - it's so tough to be a red pill with our problem but over these next couple years you need to focus on you. You need to make sure that regardless of whether it's her or another girl you will be well positioned to have a relationship and be successful. If you bend too much ('over-compensate' by saying I love you way too much, saying she is the most important thing to you, etc.) my hunch is that in the end the relationship won't hold together. It's okay to say those things but really focus on YOU - Get that tenure track job in academia or build towards that good job in the corporate world, live by your values, don't bend too much - you will be attractive to her if you do this.

I did too much blue pill for several years and in the end I ended up without my girlfriend of 7 years and 7 years where I could have 'done me' quite a bit better (we broke up when I was 24 after dating between 17-24). Ironically over the last 5 I have completed a masters degree, built 3 years of good corporate experience, done something entrepreneurial making ~150k, become a vegetarian which I always wanted to do, and found some ways to cope with my health issue in relationships (not masturbating, some supplements, etc.); now, I'm actually someoneone who if she was with she would be HAPPY to be with.

If you can't be that person (you can judge in your heart of hearts) - someone she is better off, not worse, being with - and she is sticking by you because of all the kind words you say (you are so special, I love you so much, my problem blah blah, etc.) and not because of what you are doing action wise / who you are in your life the relationship might last and/or it might not - time will tell. I can say however that it will be psychologically difficult over the months/years.

Only way to truly win her is to be a red pill guy. It's very difficult but try to remember that you are still young. Even at 30 you'll be more than young enough to find a good girl and have a family. Also, if you have a PHD / good job you'll be in such a better spot to make a woman happy and when they get a bit older they will care less about the sex side (more guys will suffer from ED and /or have other problems).

You'll be fine man !

GLGL  

She ended up being able to change her flight back to the original one and we were able to have a wonderful visit together.  I'm so happy that we were able to recover from this and she forgives me for overreacting.  We both very much want to be together and I feel like we understand each other better now.  Of course we will still be long distance so that is tough but I feel better about things because I feel like we reaffirmed our commitment to each other and I saw that she really does want to be with me and does eventually want to move in together when the time is right.  Thanks guys for talking.  Sorry for all the drama.

[james1947]

Funny

Deleted your post as it was a full quote!!!
Please read the forum rules!!!

James