To be or not to be

[james1947]

One of my two friends I have here in the end of the world has passed away last Sunday at the age of 67 from hearth attack. He was a Boeing and Airbus passangers aircraft's pilot and captain and a very good friend, everyone was thinking here he is my elder brother.
It is affecting me very much and is heavy addition to the every day psychological toll that the Peyronies is taking on me.
It reminds me that maybe I don't have all the time in the world to fix my Peyronies problems.
It makes me thinking much more and being obsessive about what kind of solution I should go for, oral treatments, some new trials (and errors), implat that is a "one way ticket"?
I know "I am not the man I used to be" as Kenny Rogers says in one of his songs and even I am 65 already sometimes this thing drives me crazy.
Sorry for the very psychotic post, I just don't have any place except this forum to share my feelings.

James

[swolf]

James. I have had a lot of friends die, mostly through drugs or car/motorcycle accidents, two murdered, and they all haunt me. There are things you wish you could change or things you wish you did, even if there was nothing you could do, but it's like watching distant memories through a thick glass: you can bang on the glass and yell, but the past is just there playing in an endless loop smiling back at you. The only thing that really sustains me in life is a deep spirituality--or three dollar wine, like I chose tonight, after a month away. Talking to people online helps too; reducing your feelings to inert little characters on a screen can be frustrating, but the thought that the inert little words might blossom back into their full form in the mind of someone else is kind of comforting. I too think about how I am not "the man I used to be," then I always realize...there really is no man I used to be. There is only what I am, which includes all I have been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glEd8-Klkjs

to your "to be or not to be" I say:

I have of late--but
wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all
custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the
earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most
excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave
o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted
with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to
me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!
how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how
express and admirable! in action how like an angel!
in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the
world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,
what is this quintessence of dust? man delights not
me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling
you seem to say so.

[Hawk]

James,

I am sorry for your loss and I want to assure yo that there was nothing psychotic or even mildly neurotic about your post.  Most of us here are of the age and experience that we have had the experience of losing close friends and family members.  Most of us have also had events bring us face to face with the reality of our own mortality.  I hope your moments of self examination bring peace, wisdom, and understanding.

I just heard a man interviewed in the past 30 minutes about a book he wrote about the concept of time.  One lesson it teaches is the concept that God gives us a limited number of days so we can treasure them and make the most out of them.  This requires establishing priorities.  

We start life with no understanding and no physical abilities.  We physically mature at a rapid rate to our prime but our understanding, wisdom, and spirituality, often lag behind.  Eventually our physical abilities diminish, leaving us with whatever wisdom and spirituality we have gained in this mortal life.  That is all we take with us.    I have done a lot of family genealogy and it is almost strange how it gives you a sense of the cycle of life.  It is the course laid out for all mankind.

Take care my friend

[james1947]

Hawk & Swolf

Thanks for the replays.
It was just the conduct of his wicked (hope I am using the correct word) conduct to him especially in the last four years and the way he passed away that broke me down. He dedicated his life and everything he had for his family with huge personal sacrifices and got back just bad.
I am better now and I have so many things to do these days that I have no time for self pity.

James