Despairing, my story, first post

[ditch]

This is my first post, may be my last, I don't know.  I'm just looking to reach out to someone, need answers and help but not confident I will get the answers I really want.

I'm age 44, 6'4", 200lbs., married (for now), two daughters, good overall health, but been struggling with ED for 10 years.  I have had a downward curvature of my erect penis (maybe 30 degrees, like a shallow rainbow) for as long as I can remember, maybe going back to childhood, but I don't know for sure.  I don't know if it is congenital curvature or chronic Peyronies Disease.  I've never really had any noticeable pain.  My penis always seemed on the small side with the curvature, but I never thought anything of it as long as all the plumbing worked fine, and it seemed to until about 10 years ago when I began to experience ED with my wife on a regular basis.  It hit me very hard emotionally and psychologically.  I also began noticing difficulty in achieving and maintaining an erection even when I would masturbate.  Eventually, nighttime and morning erections disappeared as well, and I began to notice that my penis seemed to be getting smaller both in length and girth, especially when not erect; seemed like an utter lack of blood flow down there.

My ED continued to worsen and I saw my family doctor about it; he prescribed usual medications, 50mg and 100mg viagra, 25 mg cialis, etc.  They worked only sporadically, hit and miss.  I cannot tolerate that, because I need confidence to perform (I have an obsessive and neurotic personality, perfectionistic, very competitive, huge fear of failure of any kind).  Temperamental erections only create anxiety, emotional distress, and compound the likelihood of failure.  I end up with all the side-effects of the ED medications (muscle aches, flushing, nasal congestion) but only get an erection for intercourse at best 40 or 50 percent of the time.  Given the costs (ED medications are not covered by my insurance), this is not worth it.

On my own, I began using a VED for therapy, and even tried to use it for erections and intercourse.  That did not work.  I took it to the next step and saw my local urologist.  That is when I was introduced to the possibility of having Peyronies (roughly 2 years ago). My urologist gave me an external inspection (while flaccid) and, combined with my description of my erections, gave a tentative diagnosis of Peyronies (chronic, I assume).  There is small scar tissue buildup on the bottom outside of my penis, right behind the head, but no lumps or bumps internally that he or I have found.  I have not had any further examinations or an MRI or investigation of an erect penis.  My urologist prescribed 5mg daily Cialis.  At first, things seemed to improve mildly, but then deteriorated quickly.  Same old ED, hit and miss.

Went back to my family doctor and he gave me a prescription for Edex injections.  These work.  They are the only thing that has proven to give me a consistent erection on demand (still with downward curvature).  But, they are extremely costly (again, no insurance coverage for ED meds) and I will not use the injections more often than once every 6 weeks or so for fear of damaging my penile blood vessels and tissue with the needle over time (thus making the ED even worse).

I have been depressed and emotionally despairing for some time, even semi-suicidal, although I could not put my family through the shame of actually carrying it out.  I wish to escape my circumstances and my life, but I soldier on, day after day, with the thoughts of my failure and dysfunction weighing on me from the moment I awake until I fall asleep at nights.  I feel I am in a vicious cycle of physical ED compounded by anxiety leading to psychological ED.  I feel like I am drowning and cannot get air.  My wife is drawing away from me emotionally and physically; I fear that I am losing her because of my distraught reactions to failure and because she is not being fulfilled by our marriage.  Trying to have intercourse is an emotional strain, and the anxiety it creates for both of us is unbearable when I have ED failure (intercourse is still very good when I can achieve an erection sporadically, but this is increasingly less frequent).  She has tried to be so very understanding and supportive, but it is taking a toll after 10 years right in the prime of our lives.  My daughters notice my depression but I cannot explain the source to them.

I have basically resolved that I will have to do the unthinkable and accept a penile implant and pump, which my urologist mentioned could be an option.  I have many questions and many fears about doing this, but I am at the end of my rope emotionally and psychologically.  I will be scheduling an appointment for both my wife and myself to see my urologist together and explore penile implant procedures, but I really do not know what I am getting into, what kind of specialist I will be referred to, what kind of implant I should request, or what it will cost.

So, that is why I am posting here, reaching out for some help and information.  I am really just lost and despairing, have not given up, but am also not optimistic.  WTF....

Ditch

[james1947]

ditch

Many of us (close to most of us) passed the stage you are talking about. I can understand your anxiety from having ED for so long time.
To know for sure if you have Peyronies also in addition to the ED your urologist have to make an ultrasound examination that can be done on flaccid state.
Regarding implant, it is usually the last resort but with sever ED as you are describing maybe you don't have choice.
I am proposing you to read on the forum regarding implants and see also jackp our forum member blog regarding implants.

I am sending yo a PM, read it.

Best wishes
James  

[Tim_]

Ditch

Hi. You're 44, married with 2 kids, in the prime of your life. You are lucky to have a wife and 2 children whom love you with all their hearts. With regards to your depression, please, cheer up. Don't let yourself get so down over this because its otherwise just an endless cycle. Once you get depressed, it feeds itself with more depression, you think too hard about things and assume everything is a big deal when in reality its the small things that just seem to blow up, I know because I've been there myself. I'm 19 years old in the peer pressured world of college with a congenital curve, essentially praying the first girl I have a sexual encounter with does not walk out laughing. You have a wife who will be with you thick or thin, you can't let this get to you. Please try and keep your chin up and realize that you have this whole community to get through this with. I've been on this site for only a few days and I honestly feel so reassured now that I can't believe how I haven't tried to look for a community like this sooner.

There are pleanty of guys in this earth who have to use viagra, VED's, and other devices to be able to have a lasting erection for sex. So what! They took the initiative and said hey, this problem doesn't seem like its going away, I need to do something about it. You also came here to post on the forum to try and see what other people could tell you about this. Good for you! You took the initiative and recognized that theres a problem and you're looking for ways to solve it. Thats actually a really good, important step because there are so many people who would just give up hope. But not you, you can get through this, you understand that there are ways to solve this problem even if they involve implants. Think of it like this, why would they exist if people didn't take the initiative and say that they need them! What if all people who are handicapped are too humble to ask for a wheelchair, people with poor vision too ashamed to ask for glasses, then these devices would not exist because people are too shy to ask for them. It took one person to  say 'Hey, I need to see better, maybe I can talk to someone who knows how to fix this' for there to be the first pair of glasses, and thats nothing they were ashamed of. I wear glasses, yeah, I was sad when I first got them but now I don't care if anyone thinks differently of me for them. You shouldn't care about getting an implant because you are saying you need help with a situation and nobody on this earth can say you are wrong for asking for help, because it takes courage to do it.

Even though I'm not in your situation, everyone has a unique scenario they are in, I can understand how you feel right now. Please look at other posts on the site, I hope that they help give you the strength and support to not give up hope!

[Old Man]

Tim_

Well said, hope you continue to stay the course you have laid out for yourself!!!

Ditch:

Listen to this guy's advice. Have been there and done that with ED, Peyronies Disease myself and have used a VED for over 17 years now with very good success in getting rid of the Peyronies Disease. Use the VED entirely now for erections for sex. The VED can give you one of the hardest and best erections you ever had, you just have to learn the right procedure of VED usage to accomplish them.

I have had Peyronies Disease since the age of 24 and have gone through all the depression, anxiety and suicidal symptoms you mention. Doing the math, you can see that I have had this mess for over 58 years now, (83 my next birthday 9/15/12).

So do what Tim_ says, bite the bullet, cheer up and realize that you are among thousands who have the same problem and cope with it each and every day. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help with your situation.

Send JackP a PM to get his advice about the implant, he is the "guru" on the forum for implants.

Regards, Old Man

[ditch]

Thank you all, so much, for your kind comments and thoughts of support.  I am so appreciative and grateful.

I am really scared about pulling the trigger on an implant because of the possibilities of side effects or malfunctionality.  I have many questions and concerns, and perhaps my uro can assist me.  I am fairly young, and I have read that even the best penile implants last only about 10-12 years with care.  At age 44-45, that means I am looking at a re-implantation by my mid-to-late 50s, and again by the time I'm 70.  This is a big concern, especially given the costs.

I have a question for OldMan about using VED:  When I use the vacuum device, I can get a very good erection as long as the vacuum is maintained.  But, once I release the vacuum, my erection disappears very quickly, even when I'm aroused.  Of course, that defeats the purpose, and the cock-ring tighteners do not really help (and they give me pain).  My uro said maybe I have "vassal leakage" or something like that, also.

So, how do you use the VED to correct the Peyronies and the ED?

Ditch

[Old Man]

Ditch:

I prefer to answer your question about holding up erections with VED therapy by private message. This is a problem that differs from one person to another and requires information on my part to assist you properly.

Old Man

[ScottNM]

Ditch
  You hang in there man. Things will get better if learn all the options and apply. I am 49 and marrried. I cannot keep an erection hard enough or long enough for intercourse unless I take a headache pill (viagra) and with my 90 bend it is difficult at best. My Uro told me the only thing that would work is a implant. They have come along way and quality. I am going to one of the best uro's to do it. I am afraid and anxious but also find that almost everyone that gets one wonders why they waited so long. However, old man has alot of knowledge on VED methods. You owe it to yourself to try other methods first but if things do not resolve and depression gets overwhelming you may want to take the plunge like me and get an implant. Your wife may find a new man down there. I too struggle with alot of emotions and stuff. I will be praying for you over the coming days. I am not as knowledgable as some of the guys here on different methods but pm if you want to talk. I can give you my cell #, your not alone.

Scott