Update

[bent_narsil]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a while, but I was going through a really tough depressive state because of this and was freaking out so I had to stay away. I'm mostly mentally stable and am getting psychiatric treatment and therapy with a psychologist, but haven't experienced any break throughs. I have been pushing psychiatric medication for a while now because I feared the side effects and because of the shame I felt about not being able to handle myself, but decided to go for it since I am having daily suicidal thoughts.

In the months since my doppler US from the original urologist, I was experiencing a lot of nerve pain around my legs, back, penis, and pelvis. I wasn't sure what it was so I contact the Urologist who told me to go to a neurologist since I have a slipped vertebrae in my lower back. The term "MS" floated around and after several MRIs, they didn't find anything. And chalked it up to anxiety. I also went to see Dr. Werner in NYC who agreed with everything the original urologist planned and concluded I had severe pelvic floor dysfunction and that was it. Given I didn't hear anything new or had an answer as to what was going on with my penis, I just sort of gave up and resided myself to having a f'~c<+d up penis and ED. I'm on 5mg tadalafil, but that is doing jack crap for my penis and erections. I'm also continuing PF PT, but I can only achieve an erection by squeezing my PF muscles, I'm seeing a therapist who is alright but not a sexual health specialist, and I finally gave into meds for depression and anxiety.

I had a meeting with the original urologist back in October and he strongly advised against using a vaccum device. His reasoning is that I have excellent arterial flow and trapping into my penis and using a vacuum device can compromise that and cause a worse issue. He says it can also cause scar tissue and has seen patients where this was the case. It has now been 9 months (almost a year) since my injury and 6 months since my U/S. We are scheduled for another U/S in February, but I'm honestly terrified of it given that some men say it causes scar tissue and I'm not sure what new information can be gleaned. He also says that the U/S exam cannot really pick up on scar tissue in the penis but says he'll be able to pick up on it in his examination.

I am getting nightly erections but they aren't as hard as they used to be pre-injury and not as big. I am rarely able to achieve erections during the day, but they do occur. Mostly, it feels like my erections are halfway complete and get bent in my pants and cause discomfort and pain. And my pelvic muscles get sore and hurt whenever my penis goes to even half-chubb. Its like there is a block preventing my penis from being fully erect unless I squeeze my pelvic floor. I do not see any loss of length, but it is skinner, with bottlenecking at the top. There is an indent or pinch at the top like there is a paper clip or rubber band. There is an upward curve, not sure the angle, but doesn't look like it'll prevent penetration. There is also indents on the right in the middle. These indents don't "pop out" when erect.

I don't really know what's going on. The original urologist said it could be some scarring in the Corpus Cavernous which could cause the indents and that there really is nothing that can be done for that. I'm at a point where I oscillate between being nihilistic and suicidal. I'm extremely anxious about what this can mean for the future and relationships. And frustrated with the pelvic floor issue. I've been doing months of PT, but it doesn't go away. I do not masturbate anymore because it feel like any erection causes my pelvic floor to flare up. Also, masturbating hurts my penis afterwards. Also, it doesn't not retract as much as it used to pre-injury. Its stuck in a elongated flaccid state. I'm wondering if the "blockage" when erecting is what is causing the issue. If so, what do I do about that. Really seems like an implant is the only solution here, but I'm only 32 years old and the rest of my life is a complete mess since COVID and a previous breakup sent me into a depression. I never got over that breakup and with this compounded on top of it it feels like I'm worst off then I ever was.

This is definitely not the worse case here, but this is the only place where anyone understands what this is like and the toll it takes mentally and emotionally. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm Still considering cancelling the U/S examination.  

[Mikel7]

It is good that you are getting the counseling help and don't ever be ashamed of any meds that you need right now to get you through this. I personally know about the pelvic issues because I deal with this also. I fell on a steel beam and broke my tailbone and have had to adopt a daily stretching/strengthening plan for that area.

 Pelvic floor muscles and penile erections are closely connected. If your pelvic floor is too tight you can have pain, anal spasms and difficultly with urination and erections. Relaxation and stretching have done wonders for me. It was a nightmare in the beginning but getting a diagnosis and adopting a plan of action has proved successful.

The ultrasound will usually always pick up on blood flow but it can also skip areas of plaques and scar tissue. I don't think you will be harmed anymore from receiving one.
Keep on with your plan of action and just know that you will eventually come through all of this. Just the fact that you are having some erections is a good thing. Given more time in healing you will look back in retrospect and have a better resolve from what you have gone through. There is more living for you to experience and do! We have all had to deal with the emotional turmoil and trauma of this awful disease. It affects us all.  

Mikel7

[bent_narsil]

Thanks Mikel7! You're always a calming presence this. I still have my doubts about the US mainly about the injection and just don't want to do more harm, hence no masturbating. I'm also questioning whether or not I should do a vaccum device. Again I don't want to do more harm but also don't want to miss out on something helpful. All the conflicting information is confusing for sure. But I'm just relying on the urologist who seems knowledgable in this. He also says to remain on the tadalafil even though it doesn't feel like its doing anything. Just feels like I have really done nothing lol.

[Mikel7]

I understand that you do not want to do no more harm. Remember though that if you are not getting the answers from your current DR then you need to seek out another one. I know it is a pain but they are limited in their knowledge and personal patient experience.