Desperate and depressed

[DaneS89]

Hello everyone. Hope you're all doing okay. Here to introduce myself and share my story. I was diagnosed with Peyronies in October of last year (I actually diagnosed myself with it after having Dr Googled the telltale symptoms and then had it confirmed by 2 urologists). I'm just going to jump straight to it - The condition has devestated me. I feel ruined and deeply depressed by it most of the time. It colours my world in a dark and ugly way. I miss my old (sex) life and what I used to enjoy. I miss not having to worry about and manage this dreaded disease. It has consumed me. As much as I try, and persevere, I honestly don't feel up to the challenge it has forced upon me. I wasn't good (mentally) even before peyronies. My reserves of mental strength and energy were low already and then this happened and now they're deep, deep in deficit. It just feels like a nightmare I haven't woken up from. I know this might sound a bit extreme, but that is just my reality at the moment and how I feel about this. The psychological impact has been huge. I hope that maybe some of you here are kind enough to share some advice and wisdom that could help steer me through this (the emotional and philosophical aspects). I do have a good therapist, and they try to support best they can, (and it does sort of help) but its not coming from a place of lived experience. Its such an isolating condition for its sufferers I feel in that hardly anyone in our lives would be able to relate.

To the more practical (or should that be physical?) details of my peyronies. My curve is mid shift with a line/indentation right the way across the top and pinches in slightly either side of that line (so mild hourglassing) It bends up at about 25 degrees. It like my penis is segmented. The half of it closer to the glans sort of bulges out on the sides too, so I'm not sure if I have lost girth in the lower half or if the bulged sides in the other half are due to underlying plaques weirdly somehow adding to  girth. Theres this thing about aspect and angles too - when I stand up, fully erect its as if most of my peyronies imperfections seem to dissapear, if only for a brief moment and while in that position. But when I'm in a semi-erect state or 'on the way up' its a different story and the deformities are apparent.

Its all just so confusing and complicated and this condition frustates me because I'm someone who likes to understand things. And it keeps changing, which adds to the frustration and torment. It might be wishful thinking but I could/can swear the Pentox was/is making a difference to soften the curve. Not just the feel or it but the look of it. But then in that same time since I've been taking it there a new plaques that have formed. And the biggest issue is that my functionality is greatly reduced. My size is almost the same and the visible changes alone I could almost handle - I am fortunate in that (as the urologist said during exam) I have length and girth to lose, and the deformaties are by objective measure quite mild - but if I can't feel pleasure from using it then...thats cold comfort.

I hope to regain my sensitivity and the 'reactivity' of my penis. Its the most disabling feature of this condition I think, for me anyway. It just feels like a bone down there (when erect). And when I'm flaccid I feel uncomfortable in my underwear, having to adjust myself all the time. The tip of my glans feels uncomfortable and sensitive in a not good way when it rubs or moves against my underwear. I have to pull my foreskin forward all the way so that it doesn't touch. I also get a cold sensation down there at times which I find really troubling...hasn't fallen off yet though. But it just adds to the list of things to worry about and the wicked ways in which this condition manifests. Its not just about sex and how peyronies has changed that, I'm uncomfortable and in pain outside of those times too. Theres just no respite.

Anyway, I will persist with the Pentox and the whole suite of other supplements I'm on and do my best to maintain the diet and lifestyle changes I've made. That is difficult though - there were a few vices I enjoyed pre-peyronies that had to go in order to give the treatments a chance to work. The catch 22 of it all - the select few things I enjoyed before had to be sacrificed for peyronies...to continue them would worsen the condition...but to quit them leaves me feeling deprived and depressed, which also happens to be how peyronies makes me feel.

I do want to get more serious about my health though...go further with it to improve blood flow in particular. I don't feel confident to start with traction again or VED until I have reached a state of 'optimal' or 'peak' blood flow, to accommodate the strain and reduce risk of injury (maybe I'm more worried about than need be?). I have both the PMP and RestoreX devices but false started with both of them because I wasn't ready either physically or mentally, I'm not sure.

Alright, that's enough from me for now. Thanks to anyone who sat through and listened to my ramblings. I'm usually more succint in my writings but right now Peyronies has got me down and I had a lot to get off my chest. I hope to have some nice and meaningful chats with you fellows, and contribute something useful of my own if I can. I look forward to it

Cheers guys

Dane