Ten year anniversary (should of got a cake)

[Andy_1492]

Recently was the ten year anniversary of the incident which lead to my issues which has recently caused my to undergo reflection.

I do feel as though the last ten years have evaporated in a state of sorrow, not anger or hysterics just a deep rooted sadness which though I have some good moments when I joke with friends, it's always there.

I have been in relationships but deep down I sort of always had a niggling feeling it wouldn't work and instead of a new relationship triggering excitement they cause anxiety. My last relationship ended with my girlfriend leaving me for my close friend and I feel though I have little appetite to endure that sort of pain and rejection again anytime soon.

As a child I had a fear that I would grow up to be alone and unloved. I suspect after my parents pass this will now become my reality. It isn't how I imagined my life would be. I'm 32 and thought by now I would be married and possibly even have children as indeed many of my friends/sibling have. In terms of my professional life I'm successful and have recently bought a beautiful home, but without anyone to share it with my life feels terribly hollow.

I've been reading the Sohlsenitsyn novel cancer ward lately where the protagonist is rendered impotent following the administering of hormonal therapy. The novel ends with the realisation he has nothing to offer women and choses to accept less from life then he had hoped for and ultimately face it alone. I feel though I am coming to a similar revelation.

Sorry for the self pity/sob story. Just having a funny sort of week and needed a bit of catharsis with people who might understand how I'm feeling.
 

[PeyroniKirai]

I'm not a literature professor but I would point out to you that "Cancer Ward" was Solzhenitsyn's commentary on communist Soviet Russia, written in 1968, and the protagonist's life is meant as a metaphor for Russian society. It's not literally about cancer and drugs and impotence, but more symbolic in that Solzhenitsyn was saying that Russia is suffering from cancer which is making it impotent.  He was very prescient in that the Soviet Union was nearing its fall.

So I wouldn't get too fixated on the notion that if you can't get an erection you have "nothing to offer to women".  Most women want more from a guy than a F~@< and you can certainly give a woman plenty of pleasure without a good erection.  I will agree that it's more difficult to find that woman who will take you as you are, but they're out there. In fact some women are completely fine without penile penetration.  You can father children too, assuming you have a healthy sperm count, even if they don't come out in the usual way.

I don't think of your post as a sob story, but if you are feeling self pity it may be a good catalyst to seeing a therapist who can help you sort out your feelings.  Everything you feel is normal and the sadness can be overcome as well with time and effort.  I'm sorry I didn't see this post until New Year's Eve but I wish you a healthy and enjoyable slide into the Year of the Dragon and hope you find some peace of mind soon.

[Mikel7]

I agree with what PeyroniKirai said! There is wisdom there - take heed. Yes we all have experienced shock and pain and sadness with this disease. If you need counseling then let this be the start of a new pathway for your life! Get a new mindset and approach things with more positivity. When Peyronies struck with me it opened a doorway for new sexplorations with the wife. There are a lot of different ways to enjoy sex with each other rather than intercourse.

You sound like you are successful in your career. May I ask you if this part of your life came easy or did you put in hard work to get where you are? Anything in life worth having takes hard work and sometimes repeated tries to get where we are wanting to go. There are a lot of men here who are cheering you on and say don't let despair be the end of your story. There is so much more in life to experience and enjoy - Get a new mindset!!

[Hawk]

I completely agree with the insight that PeyroniKirai and Mike offered.  While all of us can understand the impulse to ruminate on these types of thoughts, it seems they are becoming a SELF-FULFILLING prophecy.

I fully agree with PeyroniKirai's point that even without a functioning penis, you can find a woman you can satisfy and have a good life-long relationship with.  I even reject the premise that you are doomed to a penis that does not work.  It is difficult to have so much wrong with your penis that an implant will not fix it beyond your dreams and the dreams of that rare partner who is obsessed with penetrating intercourse.

Please do yourself a favor and stop ruminating over negative thoughts of being alone and go pursue life.  If necessary, find a GOOD CBT counselor.  If not that, then read some good CBT self-help books and do some mindful meditation.  There are resources in the posts at the top of this board.

I guarantee you that if my penis was chopped in half, I could find a good female companion.  That needs to be your mindset.  

[Andy_1492]

Thank you all for you continued support - I do try to take a positive/constructive outlook but sometimes have the odd wobbly moment.

In response to Mike, I work in a technical field which I tend to immerse myself in at times of distress (I find work to be a source of distraction/solace and gives me a sense of self-worth). I think at least to some degree I can attribute my professional success to the condition - every cloud has a silver lining as the old adage goes.