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[hurricanekitty]

Hello,
I'm new to this forum and may not be posting correctly.  Or in the wrong area.  I'm a woman dating a 63 year-old man with Peyronie's Disease.  He is a wonderful, kind, generous, smart, incredibly handsome and sexy man. I really love the man just how he is. We've been dating almost 1 year.  It hasn't been easy, but he disclosed his condition early on and I knew nothing about Peyronies Disease.  It didn't really bother me at all, but we have had trouble having sex.  I've been patient but my concern is that I feel like he is avoiding sex (understandably) and other intimate things.  We've had a few arguments (stemming from the lack of sex or really, the lack of anything sexual) and the arguments are becoming a little more consistent which I hate.  We do sleep together and cuddle which I love and am happy to do that, but I need to have other things, like spending quality time together.  And mostly - we want to have some fun and not be too heavy.  I just feel like he is "busy with work" all the time and makes very little time for our relationship.  I know he is anxious and nervous, so I try to relax and let him be.  I just don't know how to support him or even bring up the conversation.  He knows the sex life is lacking and I know he feels badly. Not sure what to do and any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.   

[Bud luck]

Does he have problems getting erections?, if he does get erections, does he have a curve that makes penetration difficult?.

[Pfract]

Hey HurricaneKitty.

Welcome aboard! I am sorry you are feeling like that and you are going through this. There are definitely lots of variables here. Does he have curvature that makes it hard to penetrate? Does he have curvature and Erectile Dysfunction as well? Is it just Erectile Dysfunction and the curvature still allows for sex?

If the curvature is fine, but he has Erectile Dysfunction the he could have a different attitude and seek treatment. There are plenty of first line treatments. Cialis, viagra.... and others, that may make it able to have a sex life again. If he has curvature, then it is more challenging but he can have correction surgery or proceed for an implant as well if it is suitable for him.

But the issue is that he needs to be proactive and include you in this and it does not seem to be the case. Approaching him can be daunting.... but try to gain some courage and be upfront and tell him that you cannot continue like this despite your feelings for him. You miss and need sex and there is nothing wrong with that.

There's a big chance that he may be embarrassed and shutting off on himself. Lot's of men do that and it is sad. But it happens frequently. There is also the chance that he may have somebody else, but still be keeping you in his life. Let's hope it's not that, but consider all options.

If you don't talk to him.... it will only bottle up more and more till you finally have enough.

[hurricanekitty]

Thank you all.  I think it is a fairly new condition for him to be dealing with.  He can get an erection but penetration is near impossible which in turn causes him to lose the erection.  I think he is so frustrated and depressed and anxious that he "runs" to work, emails, staying up late, smoking weed, getting very little sleep, and generally just "spinning out".  I try to be steady and calm for him.  But it has affected me.  I need the connection but am willing to connect in other ways.  I really think he feels unworthy, feels like a failure, feels like he can't do anything right and is avoidant.  All of which I understand.  He hasn't dated anyone or wanted to be with anyone for 10 years (he told me).  But I also have my own insecurities and feeling "ignored" at times and undervalued is very challenging for me.  I do not want to give up on this man.  And he also wants to make this work.   I think we are both feeling insecure and having trust issues.  He doesn't trust that my emotional outbursts will end (I get angry when he is texting constantly for work) and I don't trust that he is true to his word (inconsistent things he tells me).  I have a therapist I am working with on my own issues.  I love him very much but this has been a challenge. 

[Sonic]

If you truly love each other then challenges must fought through. If it is impossible for him to penetrate due to his curve then it is very obvious he needs surgery done.

Have you guys ever discussed the surgery options for Peyronies? If he has a curve so drastic penetration is impossible I would honestly say the last resort is surgery and I know that's a very tough call for many men to make but it might save his sex life and all around well being.

[hurricanekitty]

Thank you, Sonic. We have not discussed surgery.  I know for sure he has a urologist or a physician (in NYC).  He can get erect (I love to give him oral) but I think he has such a fear of not being able to "perform" and that is blocking penetration.  Also, I think at the moment, we are dealing with other relationship issues (my behavior in terms of feeling rejected and insecure due to his constant work routine) - but I believe this is all a smokescreen for the larger issue at hand which is the peyonie's disease. He is very smart and emotionally aware but there is a great fear hanging in the air.  I think we are trying hard to fight through the challenges.  I feel like I have made mistakes.  I keep feeling like I screwed everything up.  But I have been patient and we have not abandoned each other.  We are taking things slow now (we've been together about 1 year).   I think he feels like he has disappointed me and let me down.  The lack of sexual penetration is fine - it's that we were doing other intimate beautiful things but that all stopped.  And it's confusing. 

[Sonic]

Stick around and I'm sure others will chime in and give advice. There's probably many in here who have gone through the same issues and perhaps they can be of better help than me.

Is he not interested in joining the forum himself? Maybe talking to others with the same issues could be a sort of therapy for him to overcome some of his problems.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship!

[Stabler]

Hello Hurricane Kitty,

I have sent you a PM please read, depending on how open your partner is to discuss this, you might try talking about alternative intimate options, Intercourse is not the only way for you both to be satisfied sexually. I can tell you that my partner had this same issue, he could become erect but not maintain enough for intercourse, we simply engaged in a lot of foreplay, oral sex toys etc... If using toys allow him to have control of them, it can be exciting for both of you.

Stabler

[hurricanekitty]

Thank you so much.  Yes, we did use a vibrator 2x which he loved.  And I loved.  It was awesome (I've never used one) and turned us both on.  But then...that stopped.  He hasn't used it or offered it up.  I'm absolutely confused.  And while we don't talk about it often, I know why.  He is afraid and I think he feels shame.  I am at a loss.  He has started to shut me out more and more.  But still wants to plan a trip together.  Sometimes I feel like he is saying what he thinks I want to hear to keep me hanging on.  I'm giving him space (we don't live together).  I don't know what else to do. 

[Ascend]

Sounds like your relationship could be better. Sounds like you’re working theory is that’s it’s mostly related to peyronies. Not saying your wrong but could be a lot of stuff going on.
I’m not a believer in forum help for relationships so my best advice, if your willing to, is to seek family/couple therapy. Me and wife only went a couple of times (pre-peyronies) but was a great investment of time and a little bit of money (in Sweden it’s not expensive at all,reduced if you have kids)

[FrankPD]

Hello,

He could be dealing the psychological aspect, it can be too much.

Maybe ask him to join the forum, use the search tab, it’s so accurate for answers and personal experiences.

Best of luck to the both of you.

[FlatteningTheCurve]

Nothing is better than an understanding and supporting partner, great that you are here and that you are actively trying support your partner!

I second other members and would just like to give my take:

I believe that there are at least two factors worth considering:
- The physical aspect, i.e. the changes to the penis such as the difficlty penetrating, Erectile Dysfunction, loss of stability etc.
- The psychological aspect, i.e. what the physical changes mean for the psyche. It can be very draining and devastating when your penis does not work the way you are used to and this can mean that your lust decreases or that you actively try to avoid sexual situations.

That is at least how I have dealt with it and I have seen similar reflections from other members on the forum.

The positive thing is that there are a lot of things you can try to address both of these factors. I do not believe surgery should be a first choice, but you can rather encourage him to get on the forum (like others have suggested) to get access to suggestions and insights from other members or provide him with a few examples of things to do, such as:

- Tadalafil or Sildenafil (Viagra), both of these do not only make it easier to get an erection but also get a stronger one and retain it
- Traction therapies, either gentle manual traction or by using a traction device (there are plenty available and members are discussing them on the forum)
- VED, vacuum pumping devices that can improve erections and enhance healing
- Adaptation and de-stigmatising sex. It sounds like you are already doing this but you can only try to be as supporting as possible while also voicing your needs and concerns without applying too much pressure.
- Suggest therapy, either through a therapist or 'therapy' in the sense of discussing with people in the same situation, like here. This is mainly because it is important to feel like you are not alone in this, that there are things that can be done about it, but that it is also important to talk to someone about it and to put words on how you feel. No one should have to carry this alone, and for me the worst part was before I got on the forum and when I felt like there was nothing I could do and no one who understood me. If it is difficult for him to discuss it with you, perhaps he can talk to someone else?

Just a few thoughts and suggestions, hope they are not too rambling.