Peyronies Society Forums

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Pages: [1]   Go Down

Author Topic: Need help forgiving myself  (Read 549 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Event_Horizon

  • Voting Member
  • **
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 18
Need help forgiving myself
« on: March 25, 2021, 04:58:48 AM »

Hi everyone, I've seen this discussed before, and that's actually why I want to ask for advice and hopefully guide others to feeling happier.

My struggle with the mental side of this, whether I like to admit it or not, comes from 2 factors:

1) I have never had sex. I had one encounter with a pretty girl where we "play wrestled." I was rock hard and I felt amazing. A few weeks later, the pandemic began, and a few months after that, my injury occurred.

2) The injury was fundamentally my fault. I was masturbating prone. I was masturbating depressed. I adjusted my penis in compression underwear because I thought "It's always pointing to the left. I need to make sure it doesn't curve left. I'll point it right." But then I thrusted too hard because I was upset with myself. I was looking at stimulating images. I felt guilty. I hated myself.

At that instant, my work wasn't going well, my bosses/ advisors were putting me in high pressure situations, and I didn't have my friends, my church, or a girlfriend to pull me up from depression. I was stuck at home. I couldn't even get a hug from my family because we were so scared of the virus.

Immediately after that moment, it's like everything in my life clicked. My work became incredible. I got the opportunity to work with the best scientist in my field, my Department embraced me, beautiful women took notice of me. I found a direction for the rest of graduate school and possibly an incredibly exciting direction for the rest of my life.

Then, the diagnosis. All because the night before my injury, I looked at my erection and thought "wow, that's remarkably symmetric. Not huge, but very nice. At least I've got that going for me." I feel like I thought I didn't deserve that penis. Like it was distracting me from my work and my faith. I so wish those thoughts never entered my mind.

I noticed the lump flaccid before I noticed anything else. Then I looked closely and "Oh God no it curves!"

How do you look at yourself in the mirror and say "It's okay. You didn't mean it," all while knowing that if I had never been on that couch or had that one erection, I would be happy today?

My first urologist (Dr. Vitamin E and Time) told me "this won't affect any aspect of your life." I wish he knew how much I've suffered since that day he palpated. My measurements say 4 degrees, and I have taken something like 6,000 pictures over the course of months to verify that. The dent/ hourglassing bothers me incredibly. I didn't notice the dent until I started taking photos. No idea how deep the dent is. I can almost force through it with Cialis.

I know I can penetrate with the help of Cialis. I probably don't even need that. I think my little buddy would rise to the occasion if I were REALLY attracted to someone. A day and a half after stopping Cialis, I had a 40 minute long erection on my back. I was wearing pants which I think helped with the stability. The only reason it stopped was because I decided to stop thinking sexy thoughts so as not to risk priapism. That was my brain. Not porn. Not my hand.

So I'm fine, right? But I don't believe that. I wanted to have the wonderful body and function I worked so hard to obtain. Can I get that back? Can I get a hard erection standing up? Can that scar actually remodel?

Even the implant. Yes. It would cure me. But could I inflate my implant without thinking of what I did to myself? If I recover with the VED, then I think I'll remind myself every day that I fought and fought and never stopped fighting. I succeeded in life when everything tried to make me fail. I'll love myself. But I don't want to make that love conditional.

My first day of VED has been a success too. But I had to fight mentally to do it. I was terrified. I wanted to not do it constantly. I didn't want the lube. I didn't want the pump. I didn't want the risk. I'm proud that I did it. 15 minutes in the morning. 15 minutes at night. Many erections (at least 20 in each session) and short hold times (<5 seconds). 1 day down. 364 to go. Then we re-evaluate.

I went on a date, and I don't think it's going anywhere. But what I thought most was "how could any girl love me if I can't love myself?" I'm going to stop pursuing dating for a while. Once I love myself again, take care of my body, and feel in control, I'll try.

Any advice is helpful. I meditate daily. I use these: https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindful-meditations. I highly recommend the "working with difficulties" one for Peyronie's victims/ sufferers. It's only 7 minutes but it's a nice 7.

I think I need some more help though.
Logged
24 yrs old
injury July, diagnosed October 2020: "Very minimal thickening on right side near base."
Curve 4 degrees left. Lump & indentation on right ~1-2 mm. Mild Erectile Dysfunction.
Ultrasound scheduled April 2021.
Tadalafil + L-Arginine + CoQ10. Starting VED

Hawk

  • Bionic Penis 22cm Titan - Dr. Eid 8/7/18
  • Administrator
  • *****
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 5930
    • Peyronie's Disease
Re: Need help forgiving myself
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2021, 09:15:35 AM »

Horizon,

I am not a doctor or a psychologist, but I have fought this disease for approaching 2 decades, and I have read over 100,000 posts by men about their dicks.  I have a formal education in basic psychology and have many decades of life with self-education from sound sources.

What I am reading would make me suspect a primary diagnosis of a psychological problems with a secondary diagnosis of slight scaring that might not even be Peyronies Disease.  It certainly would seem to have zero impact on your sex life.  Your psychological condition has the potential to have a profound impact on your life.  The solution is to focus on the one that matters and to do so with everything you have.  That is the only one that has the potential to harm relationships and interfere with your goals.

If your written post accurately describes your thoughts and behaviors, the psychological aspect focuses on a few potential issues.
1. An obsession over an incident that cannot be changed.  You are ruminating damaging thoughts. (ask yourself if these thought patterns are going to help or hurt you)
2. There is a hint of possible self-loathing or guilt associated with the fact you have a nice functional penis.
3. It was not clear in your description of the incident, but it makes me wonder if there was almost a deliberate attempt to hurt yourself or cause pain.  Instead, maybe it was an obsessive push to see the extent to which you could push things.  Either one suggests the need to focus on psychological issues.

I would recommend a GOOD therapist who utilizes Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).  Your biggest challenge is to find a good one because there are at least two bad or worthless therapists for every good one.

I would also encourage you to read every "Sticky" topic at the top of this board and consider actually working the resources found here. https://www.peyroniesforum.net/index.php/topic,13846.0.html

The tendency is to want to rehash problems without doing the work to fix problems.  That will not only fail you; it makes things worse.

One note about your penis.  You have learned a valuable lesson early in life.  Your penis is not indestructible.  It was designed for a specific function and purpose.  Use it like that.  Your scar might only be a scar at an injury site.  If so, that is not even Peyronies Disease.  It is normal wound healing.  If you missed the most important post on the forum, here it is.  Consider these supplements.https://www.peyroniesforum.net/index.php/topic,3180.0.html then forget your penis and deal with the real issues.  Stop discussing or thinking about an implant.  That is like considering a knee replacement for a scrapped knee.




Logged
Prostatectomy 2004, radiation 2009, currently 70 yrs old
After pills, injections, VED - Dr Eid, Titan 22cm implant 8/7/18
Hawk - Updated 10/27/18 - Peyronies Society Forums

NeoV

  • Major Contributor
  • ****
  • Country: jp
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 2165
    • Neoman
Re: Need help forgiving myself
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2021, 09:36:17 AM »

Penile injuries and Peyronie's is absolutely devastating, but I think you have some misunderstandings still regarding what women want (specifically the most attractive women, if that's what you want). Wanting a good body and a "nice penis" is a man's game, and has nothing to do with the woman's sexual pleasure.

So, basically I want to assure you that you can get the "girl of your dreams," but you will not "find" her in the way you're hoping to. You will "create" a relationship of your dreams, and you will have major improvement in your Peyronie's symptoms and be able to have good sex. Do not worry, simply stay on course my friend.

And as for guilt, guilt is a fantasy. You are completely innocent.

Event_Horizon

  • Voting Member
  • **
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 18
Re: Need help forgiving myself
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2021, 09:01:57 PM »

Hi Hawk and NeoV,

First of all, thank you both so much for your replies. They really mean the world to me. After reading so much of both of your struggles and seeing how you have both advised and helped so many others, I feel blessed to have gotten advice from both of you.

To Hawk: The psychological part is what makes this devastating for me personally. The pain was never bad. The curve is noticeable but hard to claim as "significant," especially because before my injury I barely even looked at my penis. If theoretically my body can work as it is supposed to, then I agree that this should have no impact on my sex life. It all feels unstable though. It feels wrong. It feels weak. I don't know if that can be explained by lack of blood flow from anxiety or excellent blood flow and significant scarring.

I am working on the obsessive aspect. My goal now is to try and regain the pleasure in sex and sexuality. For now 8 months, it has become cold, passionless, and scientific: angle of deviation, girth discrepancy %, distal rigidity, glans engorgement, flow velocity, duration, erection angle, etc. I know that's not what sex is all about, and it sucks that I have no personal experience to fall back on. I am seeing an excellent therapist who gave good advice. More is good too though. I keep trying to learn.

Self-loathing and guilt has always been a struggle for me. I'm working on that. The Peyronie's diagnosis made all of this worse. But I do love my life and I don't think I'm a mean, evil, or spiteful person. I think I am a good friend, son, and family member, and I really hope that I'll one day have a wife who calls me a good husband and kids who think I'm a great dad. All of that seems so far off. But I hope and pray.

In this regard though, I struggle with the discussion of the implant. It almost provides peace. Like "this isn't permanent, and you'll be free one day." Maybe that's the wrong way to look at it? I'm kind of scared to stop that discussion until I have a pile of ultrasound data sitting on my desk saying "look, the scar is in the process of remodeling back, the blood flow is excellent, there is no venous leak, etc." Until I have that data, the implant offers security. Not hope so to speak, but security. Secure knowledge that I will be okay, no matter what.

To NeoV: Yeah this was always my problem. I never knew what a woman was interested in, and all of my efforts to find that have been essentially scientific: anatomical changes from exercise, career success, etc. In the end, all of this just made me feel more confident, which is when women started noticing me. It was self acceptance, not the boxes I checked. I just want to get that confidence back, but wow is it hard.

I'll stay on the course and I can't thank you enough for your encouragement. You're such an inspiration to young, impressionable, and honestly inexperienced men like me. It meant so much to me to hear that I'm "innocent." The importance of that inner peace is immeasurable.

Can I ask a technical question? If in fact my scarring actually is normal wound healing, does that mean that it actually will improve over time? Is the scar able to remodel back? This is discussed all over the Forum, and I've seen the discussions of "scar tissue replaces healthy tissue, so best case is you can get Type III collagen back to Type I through remodeling, then try and stretch it over time, but you might not recover the elastin." But I saw another post where Dr. Levine, who I trust, told someone that normal scarring actually heals without leaving a "deformity."

The science of this condition confuses me to no end. I'll keep up with my VED, daily Tadalafil, and supplements though. I believe the stories of others and I won't give up this fight.
Logged
24 yrs old
injury July, diagnosed October 2020: "Very minimal thickening on right side near base."
Curve 4 degrees left. Lump & indentation on right ~1-2 mm. Mild Erectile Dysfunction.
Ultrasound scheduled April 2021.
Tadalafil + L-Arginine + CoQ10. Starting VED

Mikel7

  • Think Tank
  • **
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 558
Re: Need help forgiving myself
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2021, 07:48:59 AM »


I believe the stories of others and I won't give up this fight.

   Keep reading these stories as they are real. You have been given some trusted advice from Hawk and NeoV - it would be wise to heed their advice.  We are all here because we haven't found the magical cure from the medical community. We support each other and share our triumphs and our sorrows.  Don't let what has happened to you define you - rise above this and you will overcome it!  :)  Mike
Logged
Lump April 2020, age 60 , Dr Levine 6-26-20,
Dorsal Curve 11-1-20 , Peyronies
Vit E400mg, COQ10, ALCAR, Heat Therapy, Penimaster, Pentox, Cialis
had SNHL 7-31-20 - Stopped all Meds because ototoxicity  Heat/traction/VED are working.

henny

  • Voting Member
  • **
  • Country: it
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 4
Re: Need help forgiving myself
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2021, 09:54:20 PM »

THABK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST. 
Logged
Replace this text with critical info about your case
such as age
first symptoms (deformity, Erectile Dysfunction)
official diagnosis
treatments tried
relationship status
Etc

realbean

  • PDS Newbie
  • *
  • Country: gr
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 2
Re: Need help forgiving myself
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2021, 06:21:08 PM »

Is this the first time you are experiencing an important loss in your life?
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up