Well this last fortnight marks a year since I found a lump.

A year since I silently peaked and never even knew it. A year since I felt any kind of peace.

A year since I didn't feel sad and scared the very moment I wake up. A year since I've felt like I had any kind of grasp on life.

A year since my situation has done nothing but decline, despite all my best efforts.

I've had some ups and downs, but recently I just feel like I'm on a constant down. I have no desire to be happy any more. Everything is a burden. Waking up is actually disappointing. Once my day is done I just want to go to sleep because I don't feel like I have the will to remain conscious, but then almost all of my dreams are of better times, times when things were good, hell I even have dreams that I simply have an erection that doesn't hurt, isn't bent, and that I'm not embroiled in this psychological hell-hole. Outside of sleep, while I'm awake, I feel completely disassociated now, like I'm not even real. I just do what I have to, all the while watching the good life happening for everyone else.

Simple things in life have lost meaning, things that should make me happy don't, but nor do things that should make me sad. I just exist now, and to be totally honest I don't think I want to. I don't want to exist any more.

I wish I could rewind the clock to every time in the past I've ever felt stressed, sad, depressed, bummed out, scared, anxious. I wish I could go back and feel THAT GOOD. I wish I'd have known.

They say you don't know what you had until it's gone. Never before have I understood that so explicitly. This isn't about a bent penis. It's about what this disease does to your mind. To your very sense of self. To your idea of your place in the world. This is about losing a peaceful, contented life. This is about losing the ability to just enjoying looking at the stars, or being able to be intimate with my partner. This is about no longer being able to take on the world, to live, to breathe, to run, to thrive.

This is about the fact that I nearly had it all. Nearly.

A year.

As always, just venting.

Thanks for the outlet, folks.

Stay strong man! You made it one year through it and the best is yet to come. Sex isn't the only important thing in life. This time may open your eyes to other sexual ideas with your partner. I think most of everybody feels this way on here but don't focus on the past. Figure out methods to be great now even if it's not with your penis. Watching lesbians could really would change your thoughts lol.  

So from your post you just started in traction? I can give you some hope that this will give your psyche a boost and very well may improve things for you. Life does have it's ups and downs. I'm about 62 and can say that when peyronies struck for me in 2020 during the pandemic I was  devastated. Then after initiating treatment, 6 weeks in I had sudden hearing loss and severe migraines with tinnitus and hyperacusis. My otoneurologist took me off of all medication because it caused permanent damage to my cochlea. Basically now I am disabled. I have to work from home now I had to quit my teaching job because things are way too loud and I can wake up with a migraine that lasts all day...... Now for the good news...

  That was about 3 years ago and now my peyronies has settled down. I don't fret life as I used to. My curvature has improved from 35* to about 15* and I have also regained all of my lost length. My migraines are less and I have an enjoyable job, I work from home now. I still have tinnitus though that I deal with to best of my ability. Things do get better! Be encouraged and get a plan and work that plan! Don't focus on the negative thoughts as they will overtake your whole being. Remember that each new day is fresh with no mistakes in it.
 
Mikel7  

Wow Mike, for some reason I always thought you were in your mid 30's, I don't know why!  

And greycat, I know you are on a traction protocol so stick with it. Don't let the disease get the best of you, you gotta keep fighting back. Nothing in this life comes to you by just doing nothing, you are already doing something!

If traction doesn't give any results lets say in 6 months then you have to change plans and visit a doc and if he's useless go on to the next and to the next until you find a good one with a clear plan of treatment. This disease is very difficult to accept but imo acceptance is the key. Just have to deal with the fact that it is what it is and we are in this position.

But you always gotta fight to try and get out of this position.

Thanks guys. Just venting as always but I do appreciate your responses.

Here's to hoping the next 12 months are better than the last.

I appreciate this forum more than you could know.

I understand how you feel because I feel the same way. It has been 6 years for me now.

I've been constantly looking for ways to improve my situation but it all just seems hopeless. Even if I had a million pounds I still wouldn't be able to get back my old life, that's just the way it is.

This is not just learning how to live again, it's learning how to live without intimacy at all. Is it possible? I'm not so sure.

It has been 6 years since I've had any type of intimacy and I feel so disconnected. It's worse because I'm 34 years old and have another 40 years to live like this...

GreyCat, I echo to stay with the traction but your post was not about traction.  It was about a personal hell of suspended reality.  Living a zombie-like life suppressed emotion, experience, and human interaction.  It is about a life of finding escape only in the depths of sleep that you want to prolong.

You ended your post with "just venting as usual."  Venting might feel like it does some good but venting will NOT help the depression and mindset that has seized you.  It takes known actions to reverse this.  The good news is that there are things that really work.  The bad news is that you are the only one who can fix it.  You have to take action.

Here are some great resources https://www.peyroniesforum.net/index.php/topic,13846.0.html
let me know if you have worked on either of these and how it went.  Remember, we are on this psychology board not just to outline problems but to offer and seek solutions.

Anxious to hear back - Best of luck!