How to forgive the person that caused it

[deep777]

Hi, I'm 28 years old, and I've had Peyronie's for 2.5 years now.  I've had a strange progression - starting with some pain and a bend in the top part of my penis - the bump seemed to change often (sometimes seemingly bigger, smaller, painful, no pain, even moving down my penis which makes no sense).. at it's current state for the past six months it is near the base of my shaft. Now there is no pain, but there is a small dent near the base. I've lost about 3/4 inch in length and a little girth, but have no problems getting erect.  I've put off going to the doctor because it does not seem as serious as some cases and at one point seemed to be improving on it's own... but I've come to understand that I must make an appointment soon - even though I have a super high deductible on my obamacare health insurance.

Anyway what this post is really about is the incident that seemingly caused it. I was having sex with my girlfriend (now soon-to-be-wife very soon) and she was on top, and kind of carelessly and with all her weight came off my penis and then back down but this time missing the hole and bending my penis forcefully.  Ever since then I've had the issue with it.   She never mentions it and she doesn't even notice anything different with my penis (or she says this) - anyway we basically never talk about it.  I hold this incident against her in the back of my mind because it caused this, and I can sometimes just get mad in my head thinking about it wishing it never happened.  Considering we are about to be spending the  rest of the our lives together, I realize it's something I need to be able to rationally get over and not blame her forever or hold it against her.  Does anyone have some advice how I can move past this?  

[NeoV]

That's a great question that deserves a lot of discussion.

If my wife or girlfriend caused it, I'm sure I would have some hatred towards it, but not exactly her. Realize your anger is directed at her, but it is not for her, herself, but rather the entire situation that allowed for her to do what she did. If your anger does become filtered toward her, remind yourself it's a combination of feelings. Hatred for society, for our medical systems, for the lack of societal awareness of Peyronie's, and the guilt and absolutely disabling shame we have within ourselves. We ourselves were not aware of how dangerous sex was, and we ourselves did not protect the woman from the damage she would cause. We did not warn her, and this can cause us deep sadness.

Don't trust how you feel too much, try to analyze your feelings from a mindful state and go into mindfulness every time you're overwhelmed.

[Stabler]

I understand your anger for the disease but hope you understand that your girlfriend didnt do this to you intentionally. it wasnt something she did to harm you, so I hope that you can separate your anger of the disease from your blame and release her from that. Just something to think about.

Stabler67

[JohnWright]

deep777 -- I appreciate the gentle words NeoV offered you.

I'm a little more direct, but please don't take my words offensively. Having been around the block a few times more, my thought is to shake some of the dust loose from your gray cells.

Seriously? Think about it: In the heat of passion, in the fire of lust, in the swirl of pheromones, and in the tangle of arms and legs, the odds of one narrow penis hitting the target every time is pretty astronomical. Billions of men and women have come before you on planet earth, and they have proved this time and again.

If you understand passion, lust, pheromones, arms, and legs -- there is no blame. Two people engaged in sex under such combustible and clumsy circumstances generate mishaps with the male penis all over the planet -- all the time -- since the beginning of time. My own penis is no exception on multiple occasions.

It's a shame that we're not taught to be more circumspect in our ability to reason. But there it is.

Hopefully, this makes sense to you. If it does make sense, then I would suggest having an open conversation, confess how you did think, and celebrate the news that you can now see clearly. Open communication is so essential to marriage and to male mental health.

John

[deep777]

Thanks guys, very useful responses. I'll be coming back to this as  a reminder if these feelings arise

[LWillisjr]

As another who has been around the block a few times.......

Don't ever, ever, EVER... hold this against you soon to be bride.

My injury happened exactly the same way. But it was in no way her fault. All of us choose to have sex, and we all agree to the positions and situations we have sex. I was just as much a part of the situation as my wife is.

The anger you feel comes from the fact that I (we) are angry because I never knew this could happen. I never knew about penile injuries, let alone Peyronies disease. If I had, I would have been more careful, selected a different position, etc. I used to love the "Cowgirl" position. But we haven't done it since.

Don't allow yourself to turn your anger of the situation towards someone you love.  

[blooming]

I also had a similar incident with my wife. While on top she rocked backwards with me 1/2 in/out. The next day I had a drop of blood in my urine. A few years later I have P.D. with an hourglass right above the base. I don't harbor any ill will towards her. we're married 43 years.