No interest in sex

[Glassglue]

I am increasingly looking at myself as a non-sexual person and as my penis as sort of existing in a different universe not connected to me. I am disassociating myself from it. I had been getting regular erections while on cialis which I've stopped taking as I ran out of samples and am having difficulty getting insurance to pay. And as weird as it seems given all this, I'd been masturbating to completion almost daily, but sort of mechanically without any real mental involvement or strong orgasms.

The past few days I've even seemed to be developing ED in that the strong erections are gone now and even attempting to masturbate, which I seem compelled to do for some reason, doesn't work or doesn't work well. I managed to rub one out yesterday but it was with a a semi-erect dick which has never happened before.  Perhaps ceasing the cialis is a factor, although I never had ED before starting it. I've never heard of that stuff causing dependency.

I had begun HRT with testosterone gel about 7 weeks ago, switching to injectable test cyp 3 weeks ago, and it generally feels like my 9 volt battery has been swapped for a 48 volt battery in terms of overall energy levels. But it seems to have done nothing for my libido.

I also still have a low grade burning pain more or less in the tip of my penis which is better than it had been, but increasingly tends to not make me associate my dick with pleasure.

I know this is a confusing post but it's a confusing situation. I suspect a strong mental component as I hate my penis and at some level I think if I can't get it fixed I just want it to go away.  The intense pleasure I used to get from sex and the incredible feeling of arousal just seem to be something in the past now that are in a box and tied with a bow and are done. But then I also fear this is Peyronie's associated ED come to call although my plaques don't seem to have progressed. Either way this hole keeps getting deeper and more twisted and I'm losing sight of any way out. I've seen many doctors none of whom seemed to have been able to offer real help which none of you will be surprised at, and I feel like I'm alone.  

[wonderbread1662]

Hello Glassglue,

First I would like to say that masturbating or doing anything sexual just for the hell of it is not the way to go. You won't enjoy it after a while if you are not into it mentally. You should only do those things if you are aroused and in the right kind of mood. Doing it because you're bored or any other reason will just desensitize you from that natural arousal that you used to get and crave. Normally taking a break from that and porn will bring you back to that natural state you used to be.

I don't think cialis has anything to do with it as it is most likely your peyronies getting worse. And masturbating while not fully erect can be quite dangerous. I have found that I will try to check myself to see if my penis has gotten any worse by getting an erection. I'm too scared to masturbate though as it is painful. But like you it seems to be mechanical for me. I guess it's just me  wanting to know if anything has gotten worse. Or hoping by some miracle that it will start to look like it used to so I can feel normal again. Do you think it's a possibility that you are masturbating in this way because you miss how you used to feel before you had peyronies?

I'm a perfectionist when it comes to myself. If something isn't right about me or how I did something then I tend to get depressed and I dwell on it constantly. Knowing that most likely that my penis will not be the same again and that I caused it, frankly it kills me inside. To know that whoever that amazing girl that I end up with is getting a handicapped version of myself just stings. Because of this I have been disassociating myself from my penis like you. I have multiple things that are wrong with my penis in that I have just decided to abstain from it all as it is too painful to even indulge in masturbation or to even think about. It has been 21 days now since I have done anything sexual and I honestly feel a lot better because I have those urges again. My veins that are causing me pain don't hurt 24/7 like they used too. And I can get it up now by just using my imagination. Previously I could only get it up by watching hardcore porn so it is a nice change for me. I haven't had to use my imagination for arousal since middle school haha.

And to keep in mind that abstaining was extremely hard to do. Before peyronies I would masturbate every day and sometimes 3 times a day. I always assumed that I didn't have a porn addiction until I tried to stop. I was only able to stop because of how much pain it caused me to get an erection and to climax.

I also get a burning sensation at the tip of my penis sometimes. And like you I used get pleasure from my penis and now only associate it with pain and failure, and I just hate it now. All of this that you have said is like looking in a mirror for me. I can relate to all of it. But to say that it is all over and that this box will never be open again? I just feel it Is untrue and not certain at all for you and me Glass. We all tend to look at the worst possible scenario when it comes to this situation. I feel that it is just the uncertainty and the unknown that we feel it is all hopeless. The uncertainty and lack of help form doctors is just another part on how painful peyronies is.

Just reading here on the forums I have seen that all of us tend to go through the worst of it in the acute stage. Because it is constantly changing our image of our own selves, on how we used to be before this had happened to us. After awhile though it will stop and I feel we will adapt to it in time. Some will be affected by it more than others. But even IF all the treatments that we have found don't work then there is still surgery. Either it be by an implant or any other form of surgery it can get better again. Or maybe you will find that your condition didn't get that bad and that you can still have a happy and normal life where you can accept your flaws. And you find someone who truly doesn't care and loves you for just being you.I know your miserably right now but it is just too early to throw in the towel just yet. I know that there is always a doubt of a cure or a very effective treatment that helps everyone. But we are living in a golden age of science and technology and you just never know what will happen. And you are not alone in this Glass. We are all going through this together.

[Stabler]

Just a few words from Mamma.

I hate this disease......

I hate what it does to all of you, I hate that it makes you all doubt yourselves as men, that it makes you all believe that because your penis is not perfect (whatever that may be) that women wont want you, I hate that it causes you physical pain, I hate that this disease effects you all so much that some of you actually discuss ending your lives because of it.

I feel for each and every one of you, I really do but you know Mamma has been in here telling you that you cant let this control your lives. Is it a pain? Absolutely. Does it suck that your penis doesn't look like everyone else's? Well hell I don't know, personally I don't think a penis is a most attractive appendage to begin with but...... I don't believe it should matter if it looks like everyone else's.

As for the actual physical pain of this disease, there are ways to control that, use those methods, be your own advocate and make sure your Dr knows what is going on with your pain, THAT is YOUR job, if he doesn't know then he cant help you and do HIS job.

Mamma also wants you to know, this is a great place to talk and get things out but she knows that men are not great about opening up and sharing their feelings. I cant tell you how strongly I feel that you have someone, a real person, someone close in your life, that you can talk to about this, not through a text message, or email but actually sit and talk, posting on the boards is great you get responses and answers but you need someone to have an actual conversation with someone to have a connection to when your talking. I know..... you're all sitting there thinking "Mamma is nuts  " well maybe, but, not talking out your frustrations, and pain,  not unloading yourself of all the aggravation and releasing the tensions can actually be effecting your ability to have an erection and ejaculate (nothing to do with peyronies). (OH now you're interested huh ) Everyone has a person they can talk to a best friend, a close relative, someone... if you don't email me I will send you my phone # and you can call Mamma!! You can tell me anything, I'm in a men's forum talking about penises, what couldn't you say to me?

Sex, ejaculation, masturbation it's all supposed to be fun. But I read allot of you are doing it to try and see if your peyronies has gotten worse, or to see if you can still get an erection, or if you can make yourself ejaculate, its all scientific. Why not try doing it just for fun, just to enjoy it. Don't worry about which side your penis is leaning towards, don't worry about how long it gets or how thick it is, just do it to enjoy it. I mean really when is the last time you actually did that. And for those of you who have wives or girlfriends, include them, let them see and experience you enjoying this instead of obsessing over it. Let them help make it fun for you again, If you have to do things differently because of the peyronies fine, but you can still make it just be about the fun of it and nothing else.

This disease has taken the joy out of sex for you...... Mamma hates that  

Okay it's 3:00am and Mammas tired, have to be up at 5:00am for work.

You boys be have and have a good day  
Mamma loves you XOXO

[Glassglue]

Wonderbread thank you for relating your experience to mine.  Perhaps how we are responding is normal and natural, even if maybe not healthy or helpful. I hadn't really thought about why I felt compelled to masturbate, but your explanation seems plausible. I need to check the functioning, and it is a way to recover some connection to what I used to be even if it is partly just reminiscence.

I find it hard to believe and really hate when guys like you blame themselves for supposedly causing this condition. I've read your stories and frankly I just don't believe it. It's natural to try to assign a cause to some phenomenon particularly when it affects a critical aspect of your life. This is the stuff religions are made of. But that doesn't make it true and to beat yourselves up for causing this problem on top of suffering with its effects is unnecessary and cruel.

Anyway yes I relate to much of how you feel. I do not believe we are living in a golden age of medicine however and have little faith in drs whose primary tool is still just a knife blade to cut things with and little to no understanding of root cause or ability to address it.

As you suggest Momma I have so much psychological baggage about this that just increases with time that I am more likely to believe right now that any problem with arousal or erection is more likely caused by that than an actual progression of the disease. But only time will tell.

As for masturbation and sex for fun, well that's one of the earliest and biggest casualties of this disease. My dick was a great and reliable friend that gave myself and (hopefully) others great pleasure.  It was indomitable and could power through any reasonable situation, and was not something that needed to be worried about either in terms of performance or being damaged due to being delicate. And I have many fond memories of it doing so.  As soon as this hit however it became a science project and a disease and a problem that needed solving. But you say as much in your post Momma and you are right. I'm just not sure how to go back to how it was. Hope that all doesn't sound too silly. We are just men after all. You are great for trying to understand and help Momma and I love your posts. Thank you.  

[Glassglue]

Rereading your post wonder I am happy to hear your optimism, and just noticed how young you are! I hope that medicine is able to come through for you in your lifetime to fix whatever is at the root of this problem.

I began injecting 100 mg testosterone several weeks ago and had levels checked earlier this week. I found I went from 240 initially to 924 three days after the last injection, and it probably hasn't topped out yet. I have to admit that although I still don't have interest in actually having sex due to loathing my penis, I have begun to feel the primal urge begin to return this week. And I have had strong erections at night when I wasn't awake to stop them mentally. I found that as soon as I woke and touched it and felt the deformity I immediately deflated however. So the problem remains psychological. Perhaps if the urges get strong enough they will eventually overpower the revulsion.  

[james1947]

Glassglue

I agree with you that it is psychological.
It was long time for me to accept that the deformed penis I have now is what I have and have to take out the maximum what can as it is. Ones you will get to accept the deformity as it is, it will not deflate immediately.
It is a big work (the acceptance) but worth.

James

[wonderbread1662]

Hi Glass,

Yeah I try to remain optimistic, although some days are better than others. I mostly try to stay positive for my family's sake as me being depressed all the time just puts more stress on them. I can already relate to some of the guys on here on how it truly isolates you. Some days I will just be in my room all day and just research and go on these forums all day. I know that doing this is quite harmful. Not only on me but my loved ones as well. I find it's better to just surround yourself with the people you care about and try not to think about it.

That's fantastic that you're injections are helping! And I know that I am being a bit harsh on myself regarding that I caused this. Making mistakes in life Is part of life in general. It's just tough to swallow that some mistakes effect you for the rest of your life. I can once again relate to the sight of looking at my penis and instantly being turned off and ashamed of it as well.

Hopefully what James has said will also be my outcome and yours. In that I can finely accept it and deal with it accordingly. It will just take time as I still feel like I'm in disbelief that this has happened to me, even though I have been dealing with this for months.

I would also like to thank you Stabler for giving your input on all of this. Your posts are comforting and helpful.

[Stabler]

Oh Babyboy,

Mamma just wants you boys to know that I care very much about all of you, I care that this hurts you all so much and that you have to let it affect you as deeply as you do. I'm gonna be around a long time so don't ever feel like your alone, I am always here to help you out just by listening or cheering you on. (That's a Mammas job you know )

You know Mamma is diabetic has been since age 2, I have a son that is 26 he is also diabetic since age 12, now it seems, so Ive learned, that Peyronies can be found in diabetics, so I have been taking the information I am learning here and sharing it with him, so he can be aware, So see you all are helping Mamma too. (Thank you so much)

I would also like to thank you Stabler for giving your input on all of this. Your posts are comforting and helpful.

[Glassglue]

James I really know precisely what you are talking about. Two years ago I tore a distal bicep tendon and the repair went very badly thanks to yet another crappy , incompetent, and self-serving doctor. I had been into body building most of my life and an attractive body was an important part of my self image. Having what I considered a grotesquely deformed arm that was painful and didn't work right was devastating to me and sent me down a path of just incredible anger and self-destruction that probably somehow lead to my current problems.

So unfortunately I know exactly how difficult accepting this new reality is going to be as I have extremely fresh experience with just such a situation. I hate even hearing the word irony anymore.  

[james1947]

Again I agree with you, this time regarding incompetent self serving doctors.
I had bad experience with them all along my 67 years, sometime rarely they were very good.
They wrong diagnosed me, tooth doctor that took me out the healthy one, one that wanted to kill me and so on.
Sad that this is the today reality with most doctors.

James

[Jonbinspain]

I think we have all experienced incompetent, "what's all your fuss about?" or couldn't care less doctors.  In the case of the Urologists, I wish that they all could experience having this damn disease, even just for one month, maybe then they'd understand and take it a hell of a lot more seriously than the majority of them seem to do!  

[Stabler]

Amen!! and I believe that in many fields.

I wish that they all could experience having this damn disease, even just for one month, maybe then they'd understand and take it a hell of a lot more seriously"

[james1947]

Where are the old time doctors that were coming to your house, in the heat, the rain, the snow and just they presence was making you to feel fine already?  
Not talking about exact diagnosis and simple medications that makes you fine almost immediately.

James

[kuaka]

My GP knows me.  Didn't even need to examine me before writing scrips for cialis and Pentox...even found an unpicked up bottle of Pentox and gave it to me.  he trusts my self diagnosis that much...I speak with him intelligently about whatever I'm there to see him for. It saves him a lot of work.

[Glassglue]

The three times I've had actual sex since the peyronies presented (the third being this weekend) were when we were both drunk. I don't want it, and am typically half asleep/passed-out but I am physically badgered by my spouse until I finally go ahead with it as quickly as possible just to get it over with to make him happy so I will be left alone. I hate it the whole time and wake up the next morning feeling nasty and regretful as it feels a little like rape. It's not an attractive scene. But I feel bad and guilty for denying sex and it would probably be uglier if I flat out refused.  

[wonderbread1662]

Glassglue,

No one should be forced to have sex in any way shape or form. If you don't want to have sex then that is your choice. It doesn't matter if they are drunk or if you're married or not. I can understand you wanting to get it over with because you feel guilty but that is not right at all.  And by you saying "it would probably be uglier if I flat out refused" do you mean by it being a verbal confrontation or a physical one?

I hope you are safe and if it is a verbal one then you need to have that discussion even if it is difficult. You having sex when you don't want to, and just to protect someone else's feelings, is not being true to yourself. And hiding this from him will most likely just cause resentment and damage to the relationship.The most successful relationships that last are ones with good communication and a common understanding of boundaries and the feelings of your partner. And if it is a physical one then you need to leave as that is an abusive relationship that is not worth saving. I can tell you're smart from your posts and that you are a good person. You (or anyone) don't deserve to be in that situation.

[Stabler]

Wonder is correct,

no one should be forced to have sex. While I understand you wanting to do it just so your partner will leave you alone, I cant imagine that brings a satisfied feeling to either of you. Your partner is obviously aware of the Peyronies, is he aware of your feelings regarding the intercourse? Maybe that needs to be made more clear so that alternative s to intercourse could be looked at. If intercourse caused my partner pain in any way shape or form (physically or mentally) I certainly would not want them to be having it. That being said, if the pain that it causes you is mental pain.... that is something that needs to be addressed and yes maybe even with your partner, but by a counselor or someone that deals with Peyronies that has gone through the experience. Aren't there support groups for Peyroines patients places where you can physically go to for support??? This is a hard enough thing to have to go through for the both of you, but to have it bring this kind of anger or resentment out is not good for either of you.

Xoxo Mamma