Recently member Stevew asked why women hold expectations on men regarding sex, and why they seemingly do not contribute to sex or communication and will at times shut their partners out. As with many Peyronie's sufferers and men in general, this is a common struggle. In answering his question I ended up writing a lot about the things that helped me. The question I'll be answering here is an expansion of his question.
This is multi-layered response so bear with me. There are several reasons for why women shut us out and appear non-giving and judgmental (Peyronie's or not), but most of it comes down to
social conditioning, and the principle of
sexual polarity, that is, the force that attracts women to sex. Keep in mind that this is somewhat of a spectrum, true to certain girls and not as much for others, but these principles are very real. Take this with a grain of salt, but also allow yourself to be aware of these ideas regardless of if they are right or wrong.
The common response to relationship problems here, or elsewhere, is to "communicate more", but this can create a kind of loop that cuts off all potential for authentic sexual value. Communication
is good, but let's step back just a bit. Now If you
haven't tried communication in your relationship, you may want to try that first. Consider this for the man who has found that communication and old concepts of "love" are failing him.
Let me jump into this with a hard statement. Often times, women are helping you by being submissive, moreover,
they are helping you by being non-communicative or seemingly uncaring. This is because they don't want to be the "slut" so they cannot say "let's have sex" etc. Nor will they be willing to sexually serve a sad approval seeking man. They cannot be your mother and your sexual partner at the same time. This ties into the fact that they crave a sexual distancing, aka
polarity. Some of the hottest girls will be willing to sleep with you in an alley, in a park, before they will sleep with you in your room. Why is this? Because then it "just happened", rather than being their fault. The same goes for kissing. Some of the hottest girls will have sex with you before even kissing you, because again they maintain polarity. Biologically speaking men are the instigators. We have to actually insert the penis, and this along with the "biological division of labor" created hundreds of thousands, well actually billions of years of evolution to support our current social conditioning. Research has shown that men developed a higher ratio of testosterone to estrogen not to fight off other species, but to fight off their own kind, in competing for sex with women. Research has also recently shown that women may have had sex with men in large groups, moving from group to group to ensure she had access to the best sperm and the most valuable male.
Most men seek approval and value from social interactions and sex. We talk to someone, and as soon as they mention something related to us, we quickly blurt out "Oh! I like that too! Last year I....", often times completely destroying the vibe or train of thought. Sex becomes an issue of "how do I get her to do this for me"? And we seek more and more stimulation from these sources, in agony in their absence. But as a man ages, he realizes that this model no longer serves him. It wears him down, year after year, until he surrenders, and learns that true positivity and acceptance must come from within. Social interactions and sex then become not a means for leeching value and approval from your partner, but an expression of YOU. This is key, because it results in what is known as the law of state transference. When you are confident about your body and are NOT approval seeking, women pick that up and they become expressive and playful as well. Reversely, if you are sad and approval seeking, and BLAMING of women, they will respond in a similar fashion. It becomes a cycle of "whose going to give me value?". Your confidence allows women to be confident, and I promise you, woman can be sexually aggressive and completely wild if you learn how to do this. It can take years to learn how to stop seeking approval, but it can be done with work. In the case of a man with Peyronie's, the condition causes a constant need for verbal approval, which can kill sexual attraction in this model. On the flip side, accepting your penis and keeping a light heart about it can make a woman adore your penis or body regardless of what it looks like. I often tell the story of how I purposely point out the area of my penis that bends to women when in bed.
A quick story, a few years ago in a bar in the US I had a conversation with a beautiful blond girl. I was with a large group of friends, but we zoned them out and focused on each other, staring into each other's eyes. I told her about my Peyronie's and how my penis bends. She grabbed both of my hands from across the table and told me this, "Neo, you have no idea how much women love men", and "once it goes inside, it's all the same".
Woman love sex,
they love men, and all sorts of penises, yet men ruin it for them by placing the girl on a pedestal and not believing this. Last night an amazingly hot small girl I met in a mini mart told me she loves penises after me and a friend chatted her up, and my friend's jaw dropped. I was taken back too and haunted by it all night. Haunted because this is a reality that men simply do not want to accept. Why? Because the moment we accept it we are responsible for not having all the sex we should or could be having. A month ago I met another 10, who I took to a 2nd bar with a friend. I told her that I couldn't have sex because my penis had a problem (in a laughing positive way), and by the end of the night she asked ME if she could come home with me, and this was a model hot girl.
Remember, women are not shutting you out by acting reserved, they are trying to maintain and create sexual polarity, and this is for her and FOR YOU. It's no surprise that the number one fantasy for women is a rape fantasy.
This does not mean they want to be raped, but it's an important nuanced point that most men simply cannot grasp.
Why why why why do so many partners ignore the man's Peyronie's in a relationship?
To maintain sexual polarity aka, sexual attraction. She is helping, and coping the way she does, because in her mind truly hot sex can't come from the kind of commutative friendship two men have or from the type of relationship you have with your mother. Now this is a brutal point, and a controversial one. It's also a point that Women will not agree to adhere to, because again, it breaks their role. But on a lighter side guys, your woman
knows you have value, and so she blocks you out because she wants to see you believe in it too.
Does it have to be this way? Probably not, but these principles are very real. Some women are more demanding of polarity than others. You can create hot sex in a highly communicative relationship. However
it is IMPOSSIBLE to do this with certain women, particularly with highly sexually competitive ones, and it turns them off and actually disgusts them. Do I as a man like this? No, not really, but you have to remember that certain men and women perceive sex as hotter when communication is left out, and this is one reason why porn is so enjoyable. It's also worth noting that some girls are programmed for very close communication, and cannot have sex without it, but this does not lower the value of understanding the points I'm making here. If your woman has a high degree of self generated emotional capital, then you are truly blessed, but the reality is that most people, women and men, rely on others for positive emotion. If you are demanding her to accept your most prized body part, she is going to feel as if the balance of the contract is off, as in she is giving you too much of her capital, and you're giving none.
Woman want you to accept your body, and the moment you do, they do too. Her distance is a signal to you, that she wants you to succeed and believe in your self worth, even if she does not know how to communicate this to you.
Learn to accept yourself, accept that women and men interact differently than men interact with men, or at least accept that this might be possible. Realize that women are working for you, not against you. Generate positivity and sexual intent from within. The girl needs to know that you are okay with you before she can be okay with you. Stop stop stop seeking the woman's approval of your sexuality, it will doom it all to hell unless you're very lucky, and even then, sexual polarity will always exist even in the most caring woman or man's mind. Communication is important, and extremely valuable, but its definition can be ambiguous or misleading. For me Peyronie's was a spring board into self improvement, self understanding, and understanding women, and it can be for you too. It doesn't mean you have to agree with the concepts I talk about here, but use this to your advantage to get in touch with yourself. Life can be a beautiful place, even while living with
chronic pain, and I know how hard it is. Even I consider myself extremely fortunate.
This post is too long, but not thorough enough. For those who didn't get anything out of it, I'm sorry, for those who did, that's great.
-Neo
Author
Topic: Advice for the struggling (relationships, sexual attraction) (Read 18161 times)