The STORY I do not want to tell...................

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It was only about 15 years or so back that I really had no concept of, 'Feelings' about anything or anyone.  I had mentally blocked that area away because of previous traumas and the memories.  That does not mean I didn't have 'Emotions'.....Some were of a low, controllable level....[ most times ].... I also had a deep anger burning in me that had a large affect to my life.   Then some Therapist got Me to Open Pandora's Box.  So, took years for the Big Important 'Burned -In Deep'  Type of, 'Emotions to get 'Aligned', and My 'Life' was like, brand new, and was getting much better...Then I got highly sensitive to mental 'feelings' and 'memories', and They can tend to run my life by haunting me.  I have developed some control on the bad memories and I keep my life happy somehow.  I have mentally blocked sexual thoughts and see hot females as objects of art as best I can.  I cannot get the desire to touch and feel and taste and experience and renew memories of the body of a lady to stop.  All I can think of is an, Escort Service, however They are expensive and I don't think They believe You ain't really got a good hard-on to use. [ I lost 1 / 2 total erection length = just over 3 inches are gone ]  I do not at all desire to 'brag', etc., however, getting a new lady, or friend lady in bed is easy for me.  I know a lot of them, and.. Late in life, 58 Yrs + 10 Mo., I can pass for 50  or less, and am trained to be, and how to be, confident, and I am quite funny, and really listen.  Lordy, Lordy,....I so do wish I knew all this at;  ~20 Yrs. old !!  Sum-bitch, that's a bummer !!  So you can see I am quite introspective and mentally sensitive to 'me'.  Being disabled, and unable to work, I have lots of time to think.  This damn disease really affects me in many, and in different, ways, every day.  I do not like having to re-do my thinking 'on the fly' all the time.  T.V. can be tough with all the sexuality, and just seeing pretty ladies and thoughts all have to be, 're-thought about'.  With my quick mind, it can be like chasing a dragon.  I was trained to think in different ways at the same time, but not with this damn disease involved !!  Having a Wickedly Good Imagination does not help, either.  I am tormented.  It affects most of my life, and there is no other place / people / persons / person, except here to tell this all about.....It's a 'Why Me' State of Mind, and it is Grieving, and I am Sad.  [ perhaps move this to the 'My Story' Forum. ].  I lost my family life in 1998, I lost my ability to work in 1999, I got a new life in 2000.  I lost it in 2004, and have been battling pain issues since then,  and for the past 5 years have had to deal with lack of intercourse, and my fear of intimacy,  [ <<<  I have not gotten past this at all.].  I detest this damn disease,  I do, I do, I do !!!  Sometimes I think off cutting it off, or having it made into a vagina.
I am on high level anti – depressants, so 'they' keep me sane, but I still am so deeply sad..............  :'(   :-[   :o   :(   >:(