Life is getting really tough

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0x5555

I am having a very hard time lately - my life seems to have have completely gone into the toilet.  Ever since about October my symptoms really took a nosedive - for some reason around that time the moderate pain I was going through turned into the most intense, 24/7 debilitating pain I've felt in my life.  For the last 6 months or so I've basically been at home in both physical and mental misery.  I used to be such an active and happy guy and I'm now almost at the point where suicide seems like an option.  I could never do that but I just can't seem to see a way out or a way where things get better.

I haven't been to work in so long - it's an effort just to leave the house.  I cry a lot and I just can't seem to get myself out of this.  I can't sleep properly at night and I end up staying up until 5 in the morning just working on my computer - for some reason the thought of going to sleep makes me anxious and depressed.  My gf has been wonderful through all this but I feel so guilty as I basically just stay at home all the time.  Any time we go out I start to feel uncomfortable - this weekend we went out for lunch and halfway through I was just not feeling well.  Ended up balling my eyes out as she walked us back to her place.

I want to have kids, I want to live a life I was looking forward to where I am active and energetic but I just don't feel OK anymore.  Im so drained all the time.  I don't know how to get out of this.  I know there isn't much you guys can do but I'm really at a breaking point.  I am just out of options - I've been to doctors, I've tried to push myself to get more active.  I go for a few days where I feel normal and then I wake up in pain and with no energy and just sit at home nd cry.  I have no one I can really talk to about this - my gf is there for me but there's not much she can do and it's the same with my family and friends.  

LWillisjr

It is easy for some of use who aren't in your position to offer advice. But I would encourage you to focus on what you DO have. Sounds like you have a great girl friend who is in this to the end for you. Are you able to perform sexually? Is it the constant pain that is dragging you down?
Developed peyronies 2007 - 70 degree dorsal curve
Traction/MEDs/Injections/Surgery 2008 16 years Peyronies free now
My History

Worried Guy

I'm not expert but my mother, uncle and grandmother have all suffered or are suffering from depression and you seem to fit many of the symptoms.

From the NHS website

continuous low mood or sadness
feeling hopeless and helpless
having low self-esteem
feeling tearful
feeling guilt-ridden
feeling irritable and intolerant of others
having no motivation or interest in things
finding it difficult to make decisions
not getting any enjoyment out of life
having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself
feeling anxious or worried
lack of energy or lack of interest in sex
disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)
not doing well at work
taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
neglecting your hobbies and interests
having difficulties in your home and family life

I was in so much pain whilst flaccid and this went on for 8 months and then it stopped.  I still get the odd twinge now.  I showed many of the symptoms above.  I cried in front of the work secretary and had trouble sleeping and much more.  You should go and see a doctor and tell him how you are feeling.  Please get some help.

You said back in Jan that you were feeling better!  Have things got worse?  You should be going into the stable phase like me now and it is unlikely to get much worse.

Noway

Im depressed and hate my life 25 years old with peyronies disease for 8 years would kill anyone period. I dont deserve it.

james1947

I will begin by quoting lwillisjr:
QuoteBut I would encourage you to focus on what you DO have. Sounds like you have a great girl friend who is in this to the end for you
And also quote Worried Guy:
QuoteYou should go and see a doctor and tell him how you are feeling.  Please get some help

I was in your position twice in my life.
First was 16 years ago, I reach out for medical assistance by a phsycologist and it helped. I get out of it with no medications after some 4 months of periodically meeting with the doctor when I decided to take my life in my hands and not give up. Other people situation is worst, for many reasons.
Second was from October 2011. At the beginning of 2012 I decided that I have to be out of the mood because I still have many things I would like to achieve and to do in my life. This time with no medical assistance. I am making myself busy and don't have too much time to think about myself.

I am coming back to lwillisjr advice. Sounds you have a great girl friend, it will be much worst if you will lose her. Concentrate on her more that you are concentrating on your Peyronie's. It is not easy to find an understanding girl friend or wife. By the end, your Peyronie's do have solutions. You are not new to the forum. Have many ways and solutions. DON'T GIVE UP. Giving up is the easy but also the worst option.
James    
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

james1947

Noway
It will be wrong to say I understand you 100% because you are 25 year old with 8 years Peyronie's and I am 64 with 3&1/2 years Peyronie's.
I agree with you that you don't deserve it!!!
But you are working hard to improve your situation and in some of your posts you wrote you had positive progressions. Your posts were encouraging for me and I suppose for others.
So please go out from this mood, help yourself and help us. It is difficult to be patient at 25 (I was very not patient at your age) but fighting Peyronie's is a marathon.
James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

Noway

James1947 I thought you were younger then 64 or does someone else have the name james?

james1947

Noway
Yeas, I am 64 but my head is much younger  ;D I like Justin Beber but I like all the Country, Rock and Metal, even some Pop, Like to sail, ride my bike, like to hang out and drink beer and so on. My son is 38, we are very goo friends and talk each other abut everything.
To the question, if you will click on "MEMBERS" and then "SEARCH MEMBERS" write james, you will find 10 James. This is the reason I have chosen James1947, is the year I born.
James  
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

Povera me

Thanks 0x5555
I am having a hard time as well. It seems that this is the only place to turn to. In the last 6 months, since the onset, I have been 'intimate' with two people. I am gay, have not parther, am going through employment issues (job, not the military) and facing a changed lifestyle of double whammy. When I explain that my cock is crooked (I don't see many people using that term. Maybe I should use penis), they seem curious, but not real ability to overcome that fact. Depressing? Yes.
Debilitating? I don't have a clue, except that I rely on friends more than ever. I have confidences with three friends, two gay, one straight female. The only way I can relate is through humor. That helps my own horror. But this is the only place I can come and relate issues with men who understand the anguish of a deformed representative of their manhood, their being, the symbol of their essence. I can only hope that I have learned it is a a symbol of, and not, my essence. It is a difficult journey I go through everyday.

james1947

Povera me

If you want somehow to go out from the depression, even partially, you must to be proactive regarding the disease and to find yourself a target, something to make you busy.
This is the way how I get out from the depression (partially).
Are you doing some treatment right now?
You can find something to make you busy?

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

Povera me

Thanks J1947. Yes, I am usually very busy. And yes, I am very proactive about the disease. However, the timeline, even though helpful, at the same time isn't because of the length... of time (pun intended). Diagnosed in February, confirmed in March. Getting into the Dr. was a trial. Thanks to the forum, I pushed on Pentox and Acetyl-L Carnitine. Doctor had me just on L-Carnitine. I am mostly humorous about it. What else can I be? Nature takes it's course, but I direct it as best we can and pragmatically deal with what has happened. Just was bluesy the other day because of prospects great and small so came here to vent.

james1947

Is not that myself I am 100%. Just yesterday I had my very bad day and was against all the world until my wife cried and told me that she don't understand why I am complaining on everything and everything what she says is wrong.
And yes, this forum is the only one I can "vent" from time to time. :)
So do it when you feel you need to"vent" a little bit. :( ;D

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

rellisacct

Ox5555 and Noway,

I too know the psychological distress that comes with having this miserable disease at such a young age.

When I was 20, I had an accident with my g/f on top during sex. I am now 29, getting close to 30. From 20 to about 25, I was in the last stages of depression, drinking nearly everyday, and suicide seemed like the merciful thing to do to myself. I actually would try to drink more and more just to see if I could pass out and hopefully not wake up (damn my German-Irish heritage).

As I realized that I don't actually have what it takes to end it all, I was just slowly debilitating myself with the negative thoughts, drinking, self-denial, and selfish ideals of what my life "should be". Finally, a light clicked on where I realized that this is the hand that I was dealt, and at some point I have to make the best of it. I was always ambitious, fun, energetic, and athletic. Now, even after 10 years of having this disease which has left me basically impotent (35-40% of normal erection), I am not what I used to be but I have realized that I must try to make whatever difference I can. I can't promise you that everything will be perfect, but the only that we can do is focus on the good in our lives and try to make a difference being activists or funding research to the best of our ability.

There is research being done, but just like everything else, this takes time. For us younger folks, the future is very bright when it comes to tissue engineering and gene therapy. For instance it appears that Dr. Atala at Wake Forest has applied for FDA authorization to begin looking into penile tissue engineering for humans. This could very well be coming along sooner than you think. Additionally, other doctors out there are looking for other fixes. Keep your head and hope up, it's just a matter of time now.
"Opportunities multiply as they are seized."
― Sun Tzu

dioporcolorisolvo

The matter is simple.
Nobody can understand this disease in a young man.
Only the boy with the disease.
All words of the world won't help the suffering boy....the sufference frazzles the soul day by day and at the end the suffering man will arrive at the conclusion: to continue the life because fear is dead and only a bitter smile remains , or to finish the life because too heavy.
The way is personal and everyone will arrive at his own conclusion.

ThePerfectMelody

Hi ox5555,

As someone who has suffered with peyronies disease from a young age (as early as 13, maybe earlier) I know how much of a blow it can do to a man's confidence and sense of self worth. I didn't have the 24/7 pain that you're experiencing and I'm sorry. That must really be painful. For me, the psychological component is what gave me anguish and almost destroyed me. All I can say is hang in there because things do get better if you continue to work on them. I know the physical pain really sucks but I'm gonna tell you that you are very fortunate to have a caring girl friend that is there for your through this; I too had that and I know that peyronies disease really consumed me so much that I lost sight of how lucky I was and took her for granted and did some things that caused her to leave me. Let me tell you that if you think it's hard now, I'll tell you it's even worse when you're dealing with regret after losing someone who cared for you...so take the advise that another member gave you and don't let this completely absorb your attention and energy. Put that energy of worry and depression into taking positive steps to get better. Personally, I was in a complete tailspin of despair at 21 until I reached out to my parents for help. I ended up feeling better a year and half later after I underwent surgery with Dr. Lue at UCSF. It wasn't a perfect fix, but I finally felt like I could have some sort of sexual future. But the depression component was still there; and it didn't get better until after hitting rock bottom last year emotionally, in angst 24/7 that I finally realized that I couldn't take much more of feeling so bad and I finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I told him about the peyronies and how i had let it stop me from dating and the depression that caused, as well as other things about my life that were troubling me. I don't think he'll ever be able to understand what we have had to go through, but he was there to listen. He prescribed me antidepressants.. For years I had been pridefully against using medication, but I was so low that I thought that anything that would help would be something that I would try, so I took them. Almost immediately I started feeling better. Now a year later, I am working, planning for a future that includes going back to school to become a music professional, and just feeling better in general. I would advise you to see a doctor for your depression as you work on treating your peyronies disease. I hope things get better for you. Just remember that things could be worse and appreciate the good things that you have.

All the best,
Melody

james1947

ThePerfectMelody

I appreciate your post to 0x5555. I hope it will help him to cope with his psychological situation.
You may open also a topic giving some details regarding your Peyronies and your treatment on "Introduce Yourself" board that forum members may know you better.

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum