Peyronies Society Forums

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Pages: [1]   Go Down

Author Topic: Feeling so alone  (Read 2329 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

KTS

  • PDS Newbie
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 1
Feeling so alone
« on: January 21, 2012, 06:27:29 AM »

Hi All!
I don't really know where to start-I've so much to say and no-one to say it to! Why us? How do I fix it? How do I fix US? I've spent hours reading this forum. Many of the posts have made me cry. A lot.
  I have the most wonderful husband of 4 years. We've been together 6 1/2. We both left unhappy marriages to be together. (Is this karma?!) Our sex life was amazing-any time,anyplace,anyhow-literally! After a previously sexually abusive relationship, I was blown away by how loving and selfless my husband was-how amazing our love making was-nothing could burst our bubble! We knew the mistakes we made in our previous marriages-mainly lack of communication and weren't ever going to let that happen to us. We could talk to each other about anything. We've never argued and simply love each other so much.
 Then it happened. I'm not exactly sure when. As I'm a lady of a certain age,47 now,I started getting menopausal symptoms which made our sex life slow down somewhat. After seeking treatment and starting a course of HRT,things started to get back to normal. I thought my husbands lack of  'interest' was down to consideration for me until we went on a short holiday. With my two grown up daughters still at home,our holidays were up until then a time to make the most of time on our own,as it were! I came home from that holiday wondering what on earth I'd done wrong,and was he having an affair? It took him another month before finally telling me what the problem was. He saw the GP and was told there was nothing to be done and it might go away by itself within a couple of years. Well that couple of years has been and gone. My husband is reluctant to seek treatment of any kind. He has resigned himself to a life of celibacy. I feel we are a bit too young to write off our sex life just yet. Talking about it doesn’t seem to be an option,as he’s simply buried his head in the sand. When we did try intercourse recently it ended in tears on both sides. The subsequent chat basically ended with him saying that if he were twenty years younger he might consider treatment and that it didn’t bother him if we never have intercourse again. Boy,that hurt-big time. Not good to think your husband doesn’t love or fancy you enough to want to make love ever again. Without wanting to sound selfish I tried pointing out that making love doesn’t have to be about penile penetration. His response was that that was no good for HIM! So where does that leave me? I love my husband so much. I don’t just want sex,I want my husband to make love to me.I don’t know what to do any more and I miss us so much. I actually feel like I’m greiving. Why did this have to happen? My marriage feels like it’s over. My husband is my best friend-and only that now. It’s so unfair. All we ever wanted was to be happy. I just feel so unloved and I know it must be devastating for him,but I’m affected too. Please tell me what I’m feeling is normal and it will get better. I feel so alone. 
Logged

mike67

  • Solid Contributor
  • ***
  • Country: ca
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 156
  • surgery Feb. 2 , 2012 Plaque Incision & Graft
    • My Peyronies Surgery Story
Re: Feeling so alone
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2012, 08:40:03 AM »

KTS
You have come to the right place for support - both for yourself and for your husband.
You have not actually described his condition to us. Does he have  a severe bend? Or is he experiencing Erectile Dysfunction , or having pain? There are several conditions that most members here share.
 I am 69 and have had to deal with a 90 degree penile bend for almost 2 years that won't go away and has precluded sexual activity. Long story short , and at my age , I have opted for surgery , which is scheduled to happen Feb 2. There are many other options for your husband that you will find detailed here. But I think the learned members will need to know more about the situation.
You are a very brave and caring woman KTS , to have shared your story with us.
Please talk to your husband and try to expose him to this Forum. He will be glad that he did I am sure.
You guys are NOT ALONE.

Mike67
Logged
Mikey

LWillisjr

  • Administrator
  • *****
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 2982
  • 65 y/o - 13 yrs Peyronies free
    • My Peyronie's Story
Re: Feeling so alone
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2012, 09:27:03 AM »

KTS,
I can only echo what mike67 has stated. I can reassure you that what you are feeling is normal, and painful emotionally. What scares as as men and spouses is that many of us were not aware of this condition until after it happend to us. And we don't know what to do, can't get answers from doctors, can't talk to anyone, and so on.

The worse thing you and your husband can do is......... nothing. If you have spent time on the forum then you have read some of our stories, and what it takes to overcome this. Mine is a link in my signature blosk.  Both of you will find help and advice here.

Les
Logged
Developed peyronies 2007 - 70 degree dorsal
Traction/MEDs/Injections/Surgery 2008
65y/o  13 years Peyronies free
My History

Skjaldborg

  • Major Contributor
  • ****
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 593
Re: Feeling so alone
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2012, 01:51:43 PM »

Hi KTS,

I got this at age 29 (now 32) and I can understand what your husband is feeling. I am married as well and at first the anger and the "why is this happening to me/us" feelings are nearly overwhelming for both partners. As a man, it really feels like your masculinity and your identity as a sexual being is destroyed. This is why we often prefer to shutdown rather than  communicate.

All is not lost though. There are treatments that can help and surgery if all else fails. I think there are a few steps that you can take to help encourage your husband to get treatment and to start working with you as team to get back to a a mutually fulfilling relationship.

1. Get a referral to a male sexual health specialist urologist. They can provide the latest information of Erectile Dysfunction treatments and Peyronie's treatments. There are several of these specialists around the US and there is sure to be one near you. Get your husband on a drug called Pentoxyfylline. It's very cheap and has been helpful to many on the forum, myself included. His GP may be able to prescribe it now. Here is more info on that drug: http://www.peyroniesforum.net/index.php/topic,772.0.html

2. Find a marriage and family therapist that specializes in traumatic injury or sexual dysfunction. Even if your husband does not want to go together, a therapist can be a great resource just for you. I went to a therapist for a few months to help deal with my anger and frustration. I went alone, although my wife was willing to go and very supportive. However, I wanted to go on my own because I didn't want to lay all of my burdens on her. It's helpful sometimes to talk to someone who is not a stakeholder in the relationship.

3. Be honest and open about your sexual needs. You absolutely have a right to have your needs addressed but emphasize that it's HIM that you want, not just sex. If he just has curvature without any Erectile Dysfunction symptoms, talk about how fun it will be to try new positions. Focus on the fun and positive. We're all getting older and don't look like we did at 19. :)

4. Curvature and other changes "down there" can make men self conscious, so try telling him about other parts of his body that you love. Intercourse can be a little daunting at first so focus on kissing and foreplay. Taking the focus away from the penis can be a huge relief and help break the ice for intimacy.

5. Show him this forum. Have him read some of the stories and see that he is absolutely not alone. There are men of all ages and from all walks of life here that are dealing with the same problem.

You are not alone KTS. At first, Peyronie's is a terrible blow to both partners but improvements do occur and treatment can help. Just FYI, my daughter was conceived while I was on Pentoxyfylline and at the time I was just coming out of one of the darker periods in my life. I am a happy dad now and Peyronie's is hardly a blip on the radar anymore. Life moves on and it does get better. You guys can handle this.

Best,

Skjaldborg
Logged

sgtnick

  • Voting Member
  • **
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 43
Re: Feeling so alone
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2012, 07:10:23 AM »

Hello KTS,

I will wade in on this with a different approach.  Your story, from a woman's perspective, is not unlike the ones that I have read for the last five years.  The details and specifics are not unusual and the bottom line is classical: PAIN.  I have often wondered why modern medicine is able to perform heart surgery on an unborn child yet can not restore a damaged appendage on the human body.  Our fears, pain, anger, depression, frustration, futility etc. are just as real as that of the mother of that unborn baby.

Enough of that.  You can and should consider every thing available: Vacuum Erection Device (VED), Pentox., supplements, surgery, etc.  However, you may not have success with anything.  I didn't and eventually received a penile prosthesis (implant): ;D EUREKA!   Even if I had not developed Peyronies Disease, I would want an implant.  Instantaneous erections, no failures, no performance anxiety.  I think you mentioned "anytime, any place, any how." I couldn't have said that any better.  Are implants the solution for everybody?  Of course not, however, those that have them are usually very happy men and women.  Finally, Peyronies Disease is not a problem for me it is an unsolved opportunity.  Keep reading and searching this forum and you will find a solution, GUARANTEED!
Logged

jhawk

  • Voting Member
  • **
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 4
Re: Feeling so alone
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2012, 09:03:58 AM »

Dear KTS,

I am very new at this.  Hoping to get an appointment with a uro today.  I agree completely with getting your husband on this site.  It may be the key to getting to all the other steps you'll need for success and happiness.

11 years ago I walked into my first 12 Step recovery meeting because of my sexual addiction.  It was a general meeting dealing any addiction.  I was certain that if anyone knew what I was there for they would treat me like a leper.  Before I left that night I realized that they didn't care about the specifics.  They loved and cared about me because they understood my emotional pain from experience.

When I found this site I was so excited because once again, I had found a group that knew what I was going through.  I even envisioned introducing myself in a whole new type of meeting.  "My name is X and I have a broken dick."  :D

Your husband is probably ashamed and embarrassed beyond his ability to express.  Every guy wants to think of himself as a sexual dynamo.  Your husband obviously enjoyed sex.  Now he has a defect he can't deny.  I've bared my soul to strangers and friends for the last 11 years, but I still probably won't discuss this with some of my closest friends in recovery.  Your husband probably feels paralyzed about talking to anyone about this.

If you can get your husband to read some of the entries here hopefully he will come to realize he isn't alone and he is among friends who understand.  There is nothing quite like that!  The article on "Intimacy, Sexuality, and Peyronies Disease" off the Society's main page peyroniessociety.org/intimacy.htm was very helpful for me to open up discussion with my wife and help her to understand where I was coming from and what I was feeling.  It may be helpful working the other way as well.  Even after I told her what I had found through research, she really had no idea what a blow this was to my manhood and sense of self worth.

A good therapist will probably be helpful in repairing the damage in your relationship, but he may need the people here before he will even consider that.  I have just seen the tip of the iceberg of what is available on this site, but I am confident that regardless of what your husband has experienced, there are people here who have been there, done that and got the t-shirt!
Logged
Just finding out - waiting for first uro appt.
Pages: [1]   Go Up
 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
0 Replies
785 Views
Last post September 26, 2018, 11:47:58 AM
by MDX_2018
10 Replies
1233 Views
Last post January 24, 2019, 06:52:26 AM
by james1947
1 Replies
470 Views
Last post December 19, 2019, 03:27:38 PM
by TonySa