Jackfrom WA Implant Journal Nov 2024 Dr. Clavell

[Jackfromwa]

This is only my second post but I have been reading here for a few years and want to contribute to the collective experience,

I have decided to have a penile implant surgery. I did not come to this decision lightly. Last week I was at a retreat in Colorado where I had an opportunity to seriously reflect on what is important to me. I made a list of the hopes I have for the implant, and the challenges of doing it. In case this is useful to others, here is my list:

CONCERNS:
1. Loss of spontaneous erections.
2. Cost of $25,000 to $30,000.
3. Pain of surgical recovery for at least 4 to 6 weeks.
4. Possible extended discomfort and adjustments from implant.
5. Small risk of surgical infection.
6. Fear of the "unknown" that having an implant might cause.

HOPES:
1. Ability to successfully have penetrative sexual activity at will.
2. Penis no longer hour glassed and curved.
3. No anxiety about ability to achieve and sustain an erection.
4. No disappointment of feeling shame when my erection fails.
5. Can explore sex in new ways.
6. Ability to give pleasure to a partner who enjoys penetrative sex.

The retreat I was at has an emphasis on spiritual healing (Jungian and other practices) and I have attended once a year since 2016. Many of the about 90 people there are medical or mental health professionals from around the world. Most are women, so I knew the few men there well. I knew one of my fellow attendees was a retired physician, I didn't know he was a retired urologist. I know him. I trust him. He said, "Jack, if I had your history and symptoms at 61 I wouldn't hesitate to do the surgery. It changed the lives of so many of my patients and you deserve this." He did implant surgeries successfully for many years and his clarity was clear.

BACKGROUND
I have suffered from ED my entire life. Although I am a gay man, my first sexual encounter was with my high school girlfriend. I couldn't successfully penetrate her. I blamed being high and having sexual thoughts about men. I am 34-years sober and clean now, and I discovered when I got clean at 27, that my ED didn't go away whether I was with men or women. As a result, I didn't have much sex with anyone. I've never liked to fail at things so I chose generally not to be sexually active.

In the 90's I briefly tried tri-mix, and it worked, but injecting myself for sex seemed too much when I wasn't in a permanent relationship. I tried about a dozen times that decade. In 2008 I adopted a 10-year-old from foster care and casual hook ups weren't part of my life for more than a decade. I didn't miss having a partner as my son was a challenge and single parenting was a better fit for him. I earned plenty of money and had and have incredible support from friends, family and others in substance use recovery. (I am active in a 12-step program).

When my son moved out I started wanting to date and have sex. I realized at 55 I had enjoyed a wonderful life, but my sex life was a disappointment to me. I wanted more. I have never successfully had an orgasm while inside another person. Life is short and pills were available. Viagra gave me raging headaches, Cialis didn't work. I could often get erections from pills, but couldn't sustain them. A few years ago, I found an attractive "friend with benefits" and started tri-mix. After about 100 injections, I developed scarring and Peyronies in 2023. I started taking Stendra (expensive pill) that works like Viagra and it didn't give me headaches and though I couldn't count on penetrative sex, I was "hard" enough for anything else. A few months ago it started not working as well as it used to and there is nothing left I know to try.

I had a consult with Dr. Trost in Utah about Peyronies in early 2024 and we decided not to do Xiaflex or anythins else. I have about a 40 degree curve and not too much pain and some hourglassing toward my glans. I have used RestoreX regularly and my Peyronies might be manageable without ED.

I have never been confident that I can have and sustain an erection, and at 61 with an attractive, supportive partner I've been with for more than two years, I want to end the feelings of shame, disappointment and frustration about my inability to get and stay hard.

SURGEON
I have decided to go to Dr. Clavell. I know that Dr. Eid and others offer as good or better as Dr. Clavell, but I feel that Dr. Clavell is the right choice for me. I am basing this on his experience and the cost. I won't go to Turkey to save $15,000, but Dr. Clavell is seems affordable for a top-tier US surgeon and the associated costs of Houston work well for me

I have my video appointment with Dr. Clavell in six days and I hope to be in surgery within three weeks. His staff indicated that could happen.

CONCERNS
I am frustrated that my "decent" insurance won't cover this, but I don't want to wait four years until I have Medicare. Life is short, and if I'm going to do this I want to do it while I'm healthy and with a partner I'm attracted to. I can "afford" paying for this, but it has an impact. I figure I will be leaving less when I die for my adopted children, and that's ok. To say I am anxious about the surgery is an understatement. However, when I compare what I will likely gain in my hopes listed above compared to my concerns listed above, it's an easy choice. When I shared my decision and that list of hopes and concerns with my 12-step sponsor he said, "It sounds like your biggest fear is the loss of your spontaneous erections, is that right."
"Yes," I answered. "I like that I sometimes get hard."
"But your erections aren't working for you. They aren't reliable, they don't last and you can't count on them. So it seems to me that you aren't losing much."

What he said made sense. When I was at the retreat and talked to my urologist friend I was so impressed with his clarity that he would get the surgery himself. And I trust him. If I needed a cane for my body to work, I would get one. I don't have a problem getting medical assistance for most parts of my body that need help, but I've resisted doing that with my penis. It's personal. It's scary.

I've spent so long avoiding and hiding that I can't have penetrative sex and I have tried so hard to change that. I have so many cock rings (Giddy, Xialla), books, pills, too many injections, theories, testosterone injections, anxiety/sex therapists that I'm done. I've done enough and I'm ready go all in. This will work or it won't but I know the odds are on my side that I'll be glad I did it. When I told my therapist a few days about my decision she said, "I am happy for you. You deserve it. This seems like a wise, thoughtful choice."

MOVING FORWARD
I'll post when I have my surgery scheduled and how it goes. I'm hopeful, nervous, excited and guardedly optimistic that in a year I'll be wondering why I didn't do it sooner.

I appreciate the wealth of support here. If you read this far, thanks for reading.

[Mikel7]

It sounds like you have studied and done your mental homework for an implant. There are countless success stories here and hopefully you have read them. Any surgery regardless if it is an implant or not does carry a risk. One thing contributing to the success of an implant is the surgeon. I would make a detailed list for your Dr to answer when you have your video consult. One I would ask is how many implants do you do in a year? Another is would the Dr allow you to speak to some of his implant patients and their experience? Also are you aware about using a VED before your surgery to maximize your size of your penis as to get the largest device for you now? These are questions to discuss.

Thanks for your well organized post and please document your experience and make a journal of it as many other members here do. The best of luck with this. 

Mikel7

[Wilsonmill]

Good luck, you will have wished you hadn't waited so long..

[Jackfromwa]

I spoke with Dr. Clavell today and scheduled my surgery for Tuesday, November 12th. As others have written here, at some point you know you have had enough and it's time for the implant. Knowing that doesn't mean I am free of fear and anxiety. It means I'm tried of decades of ED, trimix shots, pills, cock rings and having sexual desire that morphs in to sexual anxiety when it becomes physical and I don't know how my penis will respond.

I had a long list of questions for Dr. Clavell. Our half hour appointment lasted almost an hour as he patiently answered them. Some of the questions were what are my chances of a successful surgery (we came to a mutual definition of success, which is that my penis will be erect and no significant complications) and he estimated that at 99% and what implant he thought would be best for me.

Because of my Peyronies he expects to use the Colonplast Titan. I'm a little disappointed as I leaned toward the comfort of the AMS 700, but in this area I trust him.

He said I can fly home two days after surgery. I'm flying from Seattle to Houston in coach, but getting business class on the return.

To say I'm nervous is an understatement, but I trust this process and other than some spontaneous but unreliable erections, I don't have much to lose other than the money I'm paying (which I am grateful I can afford to pay) as long as I don't get an infection.

I'll keep you all posted. In the meantime, I'm booking flights, making adjustments to my schedule and preparing to show up in Houston and get on the other side of this. I keep reminding myself that courage isn't always feeling brave, it's doing the brave thing despite feeling afraid.

Thanks for reading.

[Jackfromwa]

Because of my Peyronies he expects to use the Colonplast Titan.

COLOPLAST. Not "colonplast." If there is a way to edit posts, I couldn't fine it. LOL

[Jackfromwa]

The last few days have been a distraction from thinking about my surgery next week. I got the notice from Walgreen's in Houston that my prescriptions from Dr. Clavell were ready.

I've picked out "bulky" clothes to wear on the flight home. My son-in-law is from Houston and he and my daughter are there visiting his parents (they have a 4-month-old son) and I'm grateful they can take me from the hospital back to my hotel.

My feelings are understandably mixed in that I have significant anxiety (what the hell am I doing?) along with hope and excitement. I would NOT recommend watching actual videos of the "no touch" surgery procedure. I did that about 1 am a few nights ago and didn't sleep for hours.

At some point, I know it's wise to make a decision and then stop revisiting it or even gathering much more information. I know most men are glad they did this. I know in the hands of a top-surgeon outcomes are improved. I know the initial recovery can be challenging and to be patient for the final result. Despite knowing all that, it's easy to regress and dwell on it all.

I'm committed to doing this. Part of me really looks forward to a week from today when the surgery will be over and I'll be on my first full day of healing. I'm not sure how much I'll post, but I will contribute some. This board has been an extraordinary resource and I am grateful for it.

[Gap63]

Good luck with the upcoming surgury, Dr Clavell was also my surgeon a few years ago, all went like clockwork, I flew haldway around the world to get home, only 2 days after the operation, best decision I ever made was to get my implant, and yep I also had to pay out of my own pocket.

[Jackfromwa]

Full previous quote removed - ADMIN

Thanks for sharing this. I'm in the home stretch of having the surgery. A week from today I should be back home with the procedure over and the healing just beginning.

Reading the success stories is the best thing I can do right now as I have some fear around what I'm choosing to do, but I know it's wiser to do something about any problem than to ignore it. I've done my homework, made my decision and I'm optimistic for a good outcome.

I know I'm tired of ED and Peyronies and I'm doing what I can to change that!

Glad you have great resorts and flying from Houston to Australia is impressive post-surgery. It's puts my 4-hour flight to Seattle in perspective

[Jackfromwa]

I'm on the plane to Houston for my surgery with Dr. Clavell in two days and I have been reading through implant journals.

I need help with a decision. I have some significant hourglassing. Dr Clavell said an option to get rid of that is for him to do "extratunical grafting."

My understanding is that it would be purely cosmetic and that the Titan he will use will perform well without doing the grafting. I don't mind spending a little more money to look like I did before Peyronies, but I DON'T want any risks or complications I don't need.

While I trust Dr. Clavell wouldn't offer this if he didn't believe it safe and reasonable, does anyone have experience or advice regarding this? I need to tell him what I want on Tuesday morning.

Thanks in advance. All the support through your words and experience is really appreciated.

[Jackfromwa]

Surgery is over. I was implanted with a Titan 22 cm with one RT Dr. Clavell said my case was interesting and not typical because of the plaque in indenting but he's very optimistic and said he's looking forward to a picture in a few months.

I did let him do some fill-in grafting as I told him to simply do what he would do for himself. That included the choice of the implant, the pump, and whether or not to do anything cosmetic.

My initial research suggested I wanted an LGX 700 and I ended up with a Titan with the classic pump. But I trust Dr. Clavell more than my research online. He has been great.

I'm going to sleep now. I'm in more discomfort than acute pain, but I don't do well with anesthesia chemicals and I'm still nauseous.

[Jackfromwa]

DAY ONE POST-IMPLANT

It's very soon but for the benefit of future men I wanted to share how I'm doing.

My surgery was a little longer than some as I had severe hourglass deformity and a 45-degree left dorsal penile curvature. In addition to the Titan Coloplast implant, I received the "scratch technique" to address the curvature and extratunical grafting for the hourglass deformity.

My biggest challenge is urinating. My surgery was about 90 minutes and I was in post-surgery at 2:00 pm. I wasn't discharged until 8:30. The nurses needed to verify I could urinate. At 7:30 Dr. Clavell called and said he wanted a catheter placed to drain my urine. I was also given a catheter kit to take with me as these are one-time use devices.

It hurt like hell! If any of you have had a cystoscopy (camera in your urethra) it's like when I had that. It was definitely the most pain I felt on the day of surgery but only for seconds as the nurse inserted it. I'm not sure I will be able to do it myself if I need it. I am hoping, praying and following all the directions I can to urinate.

About six months ago I had surgery to repair a torn distel bicep tendon and I recall now that post anesthesia I had difficulty urinating. I think likely part of my problem is my reaction to the chemicals used to make me unconscious. I hope so. I guess worst-case scenario is I need a permanent catheter until I can pee again. If that's the worst complication, I'll take it.

The positives are I don't have to worry about whether I'm going to have surgery or not. I did it, it's done.

I am a Disney enthusiast and at Disneyland in the Haunted Mansion one of the ghosts warns as you board your "Doom Buggy" that there is "no turning back now." I told the presurgery nurse that I kept thinking about that. When she started the IVs to sedate me, she said, "This is it. There's no turning back now." We both laughed, I was wheeled into the operating room and that's the last I remember until waking up in the post-operative wing.

Everyone I interacted with at Houston HCA was great. Dr. Clavell has a good team and part of my comfort is knowing I did my research and I selected one of the best surgeons in the world. He did say my case was complicated but despite that said, "I'm looking forward to getting a picture of your penis in a few months." He definitely believes it will turn out well. One of the reasons I wanted Dr. Eid or Dr. Clavell or Dr. Hakke is Peyronies can vary widely on the impact to the penis. I knew I had a lot of plaque, but I also knew my curve wasn't as great as some men with less plaque. I believe a high-volume, competent surgeon that sees many cases including lots of men with Peyronies, has a greater likelihood of a successful outcome.

I was implanted with the 22cm Titan Coloscopy and 1cm RTE. According to the surgery report my estimated penile length is 16.5 cm or a little over 6". I would be FINE with that and even if it proves a little less, I am fine with that too. I've always had good girth and I'm looking forward to that being restored where the hourglass deformity took that away.

Tomorrow I plan to fly home. I live north of Seattle and looking forward to my own bed, food and partner. The hotel is fine, but I'd rather be home. There is only so much comfort in a Marriott.

It's far too early to know how all this will turn out, but I'm grateful to begin what I believe is a new chapter that includes a penis not deformed by Peyronies and no anxiety about whether I can get hard when I desire it. I know that today, I'm glad I did it, and that's probably as good as it gets for day one.

[QualityLife]

Jack, everyone here is rooting for you and raising glasses to the speedy recovery. I feel like it's a felony to leave a short post like that, breaking in the flow of greatly detailed posts of yours, but just wanted to let you know....To the great times ahead!

[Jackfromwa]

I feel like it's a felony to leave a short post

Please don't think that. It's not even a misdemeanor. I truly believe fellow implantees and others are rooting for me, but reading it feels good.

I flew home today and that was a little much for day two post-implant. I think the cabin pressure in the airplane may have exacerbated the swelling because I am very swollen. I am home with ice laying in bed. My scrotum has never been this large.

Dr. Clavell said some men's scrotums are like a water balloon after surgery and apparently I am in that category. The pain isn't bad, but looking at my penis right now makes me feel really sad. It looks like it went through a war and barely survived!

Fortunately, I know I'm not seeing the final result. I also bruise very easily, so I'm not surprised by the amount of bruising I have. I'm grateful to be in my own bed, surrounded by my partner, the cat, and all the comforts of home.

I shared the surgery with my mother. She is 87 and when she read the surgical notes said she'd never seen any notes so comprehensive. I remain impressed with Dr. Clavell. She also validated my decision to do this as he referred multiple times to the severity of the Peyronies.

Are we allowed to swear on this board? I'm case we aren't, F*#k Peyronies. I'm feeling some anger towards it today as my balls are swollen, and my penis hurts. lol. I know it will pass.

[Jackfromwa]

DAY FOUR POST-IMPLANT

It's too early to know how things will go, but they seem to be trending in the right direction. The hardest moment for me was a few hours after removing the dressing Dr. Clavell placed, I had incredible swelling. My scrotum was extremely swollen and likely because of the grafting the area just below my glans was so swollen it looked like a mini-donut around my penis. I almost cried.

I remembered many of you reminding me that this is a marathon not a sprint. Prior to surgery I told myself I won't make any judgment for at least a few weeks. The other factor is I can't reverse this now. I made the best decision for myself I could and then I took the action. For more than five years, I considered an implant and the severity of my Peyronies, my age (I'm 61 and want a sex life for as long as I can), my ability to pay for it and that the pills, shots, cock rings, etc. weren't working any more gave me clarity. Still, it was hard to give up any natural erections ever again because they still happened. They just didn't last, and I couldn't stay hard. I realized ultimately that even though I would miss them, I wasn't giving much up.

The pain the last few days has been constant, but it's more of a light, dull throb than anything acute. I would rate it a 2 or a 3. Enough to wake me up some in the night (I'm not sleeping that well yet) and to be annoying, but it's manageable. Ice is my friend. I've used a lot of cold packs on my groin. I'm also following Dr. Clavell's protocol of Extra Strength Tylenol and Gabapentin. We have texted back and forth a few times and I know if something comes up he will respond.

Mentally and emotionally I feel good about my decision. I am 34-years clean and sober and active in a 12-step program and one of the principles I try to live by is the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I had to accept I couldn't change my Peyronies deformity or my erectile dysfunction. I tried. I even did tri-mix injections in the 1990s! I realized after a video consult with Dr. Trost that likely that only long-term solution for me was to accept my circumstance and live with it or change it with an implant. The courage to do that came slowly. It took a long time but I knew I didn't want to live with it the way it was. This board and the stories and experience of men that almost all ultimately said that once they had the perspective of being implanted and healing that they wished they had done it sooner felt authentic and true. I appreciate everyone who took the time to share their experience, strength and hope as it helped me. I'd be remiss if I didn't call out Hawk. I deeply appreciate his time and commitment here.

I also engaged my 12-step sponsor, therapist, my brother, mother and a few close friends in a discussion of what I should do. They all encouraged me to do it. About a month ago I discovered a friend of mine was a retired urologist. I know he was a doctor but I didn't know that was his specialty. We spent some time together and he said, "If I were in your circumstances I know what I would do. I would get the implant." The next day I booked a $300 video appointment with Dr. Clavell. I always know it would be Dr. Eid, Dr. Hakke or Dr. Clavell.

My pump is in my scrotum. I'm still so swollen I haven't touched it much, but it's there. My penis is hard! If this is 60% inflation I can't imagine more. It's more than sufficient for penetrative sex right now. I don't remember it ever really being this hard so that's encouraging. It points downward about 4 o'clock and I hope when I inflate it will go closer to 3 o'clock.

I'm resting, watching old movies (yesterday was Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Bedknobs and Broomsticks) and they are making me happy. Thanks for the well-wishes. I think I'm doing okay and I hope all of you are too.

[Jackfromwa]

DAY FIVE THROUGH NINE POST-IMPLANT

The last five days have been all about physical rest and mentally and emotionally accepting that I made a decision to have an implant.

Physically I bruise and swell easily. Because Dr. Clavell did a scratching technique to address my Peyronies curve and grafting near the glans to eliminate the severe hour glassing as well as implant me with a Titan, my incision is long, about 5 inches total. Almost the entire shaft of my penis along with the scrotal incision was cut open and still covered with a surgical glue that he said will fall off in time.

My penis looked like it had gone to war and barely made it home alive. My groin area was quite swollen and my scrotum was at times almost double the normal size. Feeling the pump was difficult because of all the fluid. The end of my penis where the grafting was placed appeared to have swelling almost like a mini-donut. It looked terrible and I was so grateful that other men who posted their experience said don't judge how you look after surgery to be indicative of your final results.

I discovered if I stood more than two or three hours, the swelling got worse, but if I lay in bed or in a prone position, preferably with ice it looked and felt better. I'm not used to "laying around" but it seemed wise to do that. The overall pain wasn't bad, but it rarely ceased. I used no narcotics and nothing stronger than Aleve, Tylenol and some prescription gabapentin. I'd describe the pain for me as annoying but manageable.

When I compared my post-surgery appearance to some of the photos of other men, or worse read how some men had no swelling or bruising I started worrying. My main worry was infection, though there was no indication other than bruising and swelling, but I also wondered if once again something was wrong with my penis, if my case was different. I am so used to being different when it comes to my dick that the fears came easily. Fortunately, I mentally knew better. At 61 I was wise enough to know that everyone heals differently, that recovery isn't linear and that likely I was fine. Despite my knowledge, I didn't always feel fine.

Sleep has been uneven, though I think switching to Tylenol PM at night has helped. I also benefited from being out of the hospital and home in my own bed.

When we talked immediately prior to surgery Dr. Clavell asked me about my urologist at the University of Washington. He asked who she was and I couldn't remember her name. "Is she a redhead?"

"No, a blonde," I replied.

"I have a friend there Dr. Hehemann, but she is a redhead." I made note of that, and when I got home discovered that she specialized in Peyronies, ED and implants. She is a Coloplast center of excellence doctor and does many implant surgeries annually herself. On day six post-surgery I called the UW to see if I could transfer my care to her.

Although helpful, at first the medical receptionist seemed reluctant to transfer me. I explained I had initially waited four months to see anyone at their clinic and that I had penile implant and Peyronies surgery the previous week and my surgeon was friends with Dr. Hehemann and I wanted to make an appointment in four to six weeks for follow-up and ongoing care. Unlike the surgery with Dr. Clavell, my insurance covers the UW and I didn't want to fly to Houston for questions or concerns. Dr. Clavell is quite accessible, but there is only so much you can do via text, email or video appointment. She offered to give the doctor a message and I said to please tell her that Jonathan Clavell has installed a 22cm Titan with one RTE six days ago and I would like to transfer my care at the UW to her. She put me on hold for almost fifteen minutes. When she came back, she said, "I spoke to the doctor and if you are available, she can see you tomorrow at 4 o'clock"

I felt so excited! I was concerned about my swelling and wasn't certain that my long incision was healing well. The next day I lay in the car with ice while a friend drove me to my appointment ninety miles from home. When I arrived, I was quickly taken back with vitals competently taken and a few minutes later she walked in with a resident in tow.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Hehemann and I'm really happy to meet you and I understand you want to be my patient." I can't describe how good this felt. Sometimes you just meet someone that makes you feel good. I felt great with Dr. Clavell, his bedside manner is excellent and his competence is well known, but this felt different. Maybe it was because I've secretly been so afraid. Afraid that no matter what I do my dick will never work, that in some ways I was destined to never be a man in a way that is so fundamental to being a man. I think part of me was happy I was gay because I would have been a failure at penetrating a woman and making her pregnant. One of the best thing about being 61 is I'm not expected to have successful erections the way I felt I was in my 20's, 30's and 40's.

Some of you reading this had a time in your life when you experienced good penetrative sex and lost it due to Peyronies, cancer, diabetes or some other cause. But some of us have never had our dicks work right. I am one of those. I have never been able to have an orgasm inside another person. My dick has always been able to get hard but never stayed hard for more than a few minutes. I likely got Peyronies from tri-mix injections. I'm almost certain that's the cause. I'm typically not flooded with emotion, but Dr. Hehemann standing in that room offering to help made feel like I imagine my father felt when the American troops liberated his homeland of Holland in 1945 and finally brought them food. He was 14 and immigrated to the US at 19. I loved my dad and miss him very much. He died in 2015 and one of the reasons I got the implant is I believe he would have encouraged me to do it.

"I'd like to do an exam," she said. I told her that was why I was here and at this point so many people have handled and seen my junk that my pants were off in no time. "I see why you're considered about swelling," she said. "You have a lot of bruising and swelling but I've seen worse. You are fair skinned and said you bruise easily and this is normal." She carefully lifted my penis and looked low. "Your incision is healing well. It's really good work, but that's what I would expect from Jonathan." She smiled. "He's a very good surgeon." She felt the pump. "Placement is good. I'd like you to start touching it whenever you urinate. Don't "pull" on it, but start giving it a tiny tug. Get familiar with it."

I pulled up my pants. "I'm so happy to have met you. I wish I'd seen you sooner, but glad you're here now. I think Jonathan wants you inflated for three weeks," she grinned as if she had a different protocol but because I was his patient she respected his methods. "Would you like to come back in two weeks and I can deflate you and show you how to use your pump?"

"I would love that."

"Great, I'll see you in two weeks and I'll let Jonathan know how you're doing. You've been through a lot and I think you're going to be very happy with the results."

I checked out, the front desk was able to make a return appointment after her nurse came out and said even though there weren't any times available to make it work. I went to the car and wrote an email to Dr. Clavell and explained that I transferred my care at the UW Urology clinic to Dr. Hehemann and that my pain was manageable and that IF he approved, I would have her deflate and inflate me for my first cycle in two weeks. I was slightly apprehensive that he might think I was taking another doctor's advice instead of his. I know that different implant surgeons have different best practices and I wanted to be clear to him that I am HIS patient and I will follow his protocols until he releases me.

A half hour later, Dr. Clavell replied: "I know Dr Hehemann, she is a very good friend and known expert.  She already updated me that everything looks very well. Although I personally prefer to wait on cycling until after 3-4 weeks, I do trust her judgement and I will be ok if she says you are ready. Keep me updated."

On my drive back home I felt so grateful, like the medical Gods were smiling on me. My world-class surgeon, Dr. Clavell, trusted my urologist at home and she had made time and appointments for me where none existed. More importantly, I felt that both of them really cared about and wanted the best outcome for me. I was so glad that two years ago I walked out of the urologist in the town I lived and told myself I would never see him again. He said I probably didn't have Peyronies, that my ED was likely psychological, that injections don't cause Peyronies and that he could do an implant but didn't think I needed it. I had seen him off and on for twenty years and never did enjoy our visits. I always felt he never understood that something was wrong.

What I know now that I didn't know a month ago is that there was something wrong. I have an anomaly. I have leaking veins that can allow my penis to get hard, but won't stay hard. While it's true over the years I've developed performance anxiety, that's a natural reaction to my reality. I am starting to recognize that for decades I have lived with and repressed the harmful belief that there was something "wrong" with me because I "couldn't get it up." There was NOTHING wrong with me any more than there is something wrong with a diabetic who needs insulin, or a person hard of hearing who needs an auditory enhancing device. I need my corpora cavernosa to fill with blood and have that blood remain there until it isn't needed. My body can't do that because of an anomaly. Now, with an implant, that is permanently resolved.

I don't know what it will feel like to know I can have a reliable erection anytime I want it. I'm in a monogamous relationship with someone I've very attracted to. We will have some things to navigate. What I am most excited about is to be free of an old, dysfunctional wound that "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not really a man because I can't get hard" that I mostly wasn't even consciously aware I still carried. I'm successful as an adoptive father of three children, a man with many decades of sobriety, significant financial success and I am a well-regarded business person and leader in my community. From the outside I have all the trappings of what society deems a success male: money, respect, political influence and position, intelligence and competence. Those aren't the most important things to me. I care much more about trying to have integrity, kindness and being a good father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle and partner. But this surgery and the thoughts that have come with it have made me realize that the healing that I will have from my decision have an implant isn't just to my body, it's also to my soul. No matter the outcome of my surgery, I have done something courageous that is really good for me and now I have done all I can do and that alone helps me to heal, develop and grow.

I'm so grateful for the men who have talked about the new frame of mind they found after having an implant. I'm starting to get it and while we all heal spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically in different ways, I believe that this implant is the beginning of more healing in my life than I ever imagined before I FINALLY decided to do it.

Thanks for reading.

[Jackfromwa]

DAY TEN THROUGH THIRTEEN POST-IMPLANT

As anyone likely reading this knows, the decision to have an implant is rarely made lightly. Fortunately, in my case I haven't had much second guessing post my operation with Dr. Clavell.

Physically I continue to heal. My scrotal swelling is substantially reduced. When I woke up this morning, my scrotum felt normal, except for the "new guest" aka the pump. It doesn't hurt, and it sits between my two testicles. I can tell there is tubing extending up from it, but since Dr. Clavell doesn't generally allow any cycling for a minimum of three weeks (usually longer) I have followed direction and left it alone other than to feel the outside of it.

I have given it a light squeeze and it feels hard, but I know from this board that Titan pumps feel hard and loosen in time. One of my worries is how I will feel the release valves, but mostly I trust the process. I am adept with my hands, I have good grip strength and dexterity so I trust I will figure it out.

It's easy to worry about the length of my penis (it seems a little shorter than I expected) or whether my pump will squeak. One of the advantages of this forum is it proactively informed me of what my concerns would likely be. While that doesn't mitigate all of my fears, it does help me know I am on track and healing in a natural way.

Given that this is Thanksgiving week in the United States, I am grateful that medicine and science have advanced to a point that an inflatable penile protheses with generally excellent outcomes is available. For most of history, this would have been impossible and I am happy to have this opportunity.

Life is short, and living a full life with the most opportunities for happiness and enjoying myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually is important to me. I'm excited about what it will feel like to have this new resource in my life.

I'm also tired of the waiting. Tomorrow is my two week mark and patiently waiting to heal is not something I have much experience with nor do I seem temperamentally suited for it.

I am doing my best, and I know that soon enough I'll be a month past surgery than two and three. I look forward to the time when this implant and the corresponding ability to have erections whenever I want is as much a part of my reality as my decent vision or hearing.

Pain levels are "fine." I don't feel "normal" but it isn't too bad. Last night I woke up throbbing (I was sleeping nude to let my inflated penis dangle) and took a gabapentin. I've been trying to keep my penis flat on my abdomen at least a few hours a day. It was difficult at first but getting easier. I watched a 1-hour HBO show last night with it flat the entire time. Hawk recommended that for a better outcome and since I've always pointed downward, I'd like to have as good an erect position as I can when the scar tissue heals.

I keep remembering what many men posting here have said: it's a marathon not a sprint. I'm a little early in the marathon, but I'm starting to go the distance and overall, things feel and look promising.

[Wilsonmill]

Glad to see that you are healing up and that your pain was not that difficult.  My first implant was a Titan and that is what my surgeon recommended, when it failed 5yrs later I immediately went back to the same surgeon and he told that for the revision he would probably go with AMS LGX,  my understanding was that the Titan had helped straighten out my pecker and that he would go with the AMS.  To me it couldn't happen soon enough,(this was in March of this year).  I went to another urologist for another opinion and he also recommended the LGX, and he could take care of it in June, so I went with the second surgeon and couldn't be happier..  I do hope yours last you a lifetime and that you will try your best to wear it out..  I tried this afternoon 

[Pfract]

Glad to see that you are healing up and that your pain was not that difficult.  My first implant was a Titan and that is what my surgeon recommended, when it failed 5yrs later I immediately went back to the same surgeon and he told that for the revision he would probably go with AMS LGX,  my understanding was that the Titan had helped straighten out my pecker and that he would go with the AMS.  To me it couldn't happen soon enough,(this was in March of this year).  I went to another urologist for another opinion and he also recommended the LGX, and he could take care of it in June, so I went with the second surgeon and couldn't be happier..  I do hope yours last you a lifetime and that you will try your best to wear it out..  I tried this afternoon 

I am surprised to see that your surgeon recommended you the AMS after having had a tita first. You say that you are happy with your second implant, but how exactly do you feel about the difference in the erection quality and stiffness of the AMS?

[Wilsonmill]

Yes, both surgeons recommended the AMS LGX, my original surgeon and my revision surgeon.  As far as rigidity I cannot tell the difference,  it can get hard as an anvil,  I know I have read numerous posts that the Titan gets very rigid and beats out AMS for rigidity but I have had them both now and I just don't see that.  I have had it 5 months now, it is pretty stiff at 8 pumps but I am up to 20 pumps now, you are not going to bend it. 

[Jackfromwa]

DAY FOURTEEN THROUGH TWENTY POST-IMPLANT

When I chose to have my surgery in November, I anticipated recuperating over Thanksgiving and hopefully being more comfortable by Christmas and New Year's.

Thanksgiving is more relaxing and less intense than late December and from reading other men's experience I know the first three weeks can be challenging. My discomfort has been significant, but not acute. I have about a 6" incision from just below my glans running down the shaft of my penis to my scrotum.

Most of my swelling is gone, in the shaft and scrotum thought the area where my penis protrudes from my abdomen is still at least 20% swollen. This is annoying as it makes my dick look smaller. When I push it down, I gain at least an inch! My girth is a little over 5" which is about what it was before Peyronies.

Dr. Clavell instructs most (or maybe all) his patients to stay inflated for at least 3 to 4 weeks, so I don't know what my length and girth will be like when I inflate. I'm definitely a penile implant puppy. I haven't had much experience yet, I haven't inflated, deflated or had an orgasm. I have been implanted, and I'm recovering well. I hadn't reached out to Dr. Clavell in two weeks, but tonight I sent him photos and he said my incision looks great and to let it keep healing.

I had to go to the dentist today. My dentist is a close friend and last week I asked him if I should cancel my cleaning as showing up with a 70% inflated penis while inclined in a dental chair seemed fraught with peril. We decided I would go, but I chose my bulky wardrobe carefully and it went fine.

The most pain I have is from a "rug burn" like effect on the tip of my penis. Because I have been erect so long, it keeps rubbing. I've tried a baby sock, Separatec and David Archy underwear I even put on a condom briefly. The best protection is the baby sock, but I'll be glad when my penis is deflated and it quits rubbing on underwear, gym shorts and pants. It doesn't "hurt" in a super painful way, but it's as annoying as a paper cut, maybe worse.

I'm nervous about the angle of my penis inflated. It's about 5 o'clock now and I've always pointed down and I was hoping to end up at 3 o'clock. Not a big deal, but I got my hopes up that I'd finally stick out straight and not sure that will happen.

My partner has been supportive and is looking forward to trying out the bionic penis. We haven't talked about it a lot (talking about sex when I can't have any is ultimately frustrating) but I'm excited and nervous to finally have a penis that I don't have to wonder it it's going soft. I'm curious, hopeful and a little anxious, but mostly I think it will go well once I'm used to it.

I was given the classic Titan pump. I told Dr. Clavell I preferred the one-touch as I didn't want a squeak, but he said they both can squeak, though the classic is worse, but we agreed in surgery he would do what he thought best. He said because I've used testosterone for at least three years and my scrotum has shrunk that the smaller the pump, likely the better.
Tomorrow, I go to the University of Washington Urology department and I'm looking forward to Dr. Hehemann checking out my progress and showing me how to cycle if she thinks I'm ready.

I don't really have any regrets about doing this, but I am in that state of ambiguity of knowing I've done something irreversible that's likely to go well, but I haven't really experienced it yet. Everything I think I know about what it will be like to pump and have a fully erect penis on demand is a projection or guess. I don't know what it's like. Haven't done it, but I am hopeful.

I couldn't help thinking this Thanksgiving of how grateful I am that these implants are even a possibility and I'm extremely impressed by the engineering, care and thought that went in to creating them. Fingers crossed that it works the way I hope!

P.S. Here are the photos 3-weeks post surgery I sent Dr. Clavell. He says I am "looking good." 
I LOVE not having the severe hour glassing (it is GONE) or the 45 degree curve!

[Mikel7]

Everything looks great! I am certain you will be 100% satisfied with your outcome. Yes going to the dentist with an erection could be an eye opener for the staff

[Wilsonmill]

Sounds like you are recovering fine.  Hopefully start cycling, get in a good hot shower or hot tub/ bath if you are healed up. Good luck

[Jackfromwa]

DAY 21 (THREE WEEKS) POST-IMPLANT

Three weeks ago, I was implanted by Dr. Clavell with a Coloplast Titan and classic pump. Despite all the excellent shared experience in this forum, this has proven different than I imagined.

Some things have been easier, for example I haven't had as much physical pain as some men report. Some things have been harder as I didn't expect the feelings I have had about what it has meant to be impotent so long and now to almost certainly be more capable than most men of an erection. I didn't expect the grief, but at 61, with far fewer years of enjoying the human delight of sexual pleasure with someone I'm attracted to ahead of me than behind me, I'm regretting the years I never had.

I am wise enough to know that living in regret is a zero-sum game, but I also know sometimes feelings need to be felt to let go. Life is short, and the older I get the less I want to waste it. It's funny as when I was young, I loved "getting wasted," but now I'm not interested in wasting much of anything.

Like most men newly implanted, I wondered what it would feel like to inflate. As a patient of Dr. Clavell's I also wondered what it would feel like to deflate. Three weeks is a LONG time for an erection.

When I went to the University of Washington yesterday, with Dr. Clavell's permission I was deflated. Dr. Hehemann made it seem so simple. She grabbed the classic pump and said, "I like to think of it like a telescope. Some of the penis is inside so if you just squeeze the shaft you only deflate part of it." As she said this, she both squeezed and pushed my glans toward my stomach. In moments my penis looked a little misshaped and was fully deflated.

"You can start cycling," she said. We went over a few other things and with a lot of gratitude and curiosity I left and drove home. I couldn't wait to inflate and I also wanted to "feel" my deflated penis.

It is kind of crinkly and it isn't soft anymore. It is solid though somewhat flexible in the deflated state. It isn't "bad" but not what I expected. I preferred my pre-implant penis in the deflated state. It's familiar. I believe as I grow accustomed to this, it will feel comfortable enough, but I've only had this new deflated penis for less than 24-hours and I had my old penis for more than six decades.

Today, my twin adopted daughters turned 32 and I took them with my mother, son-in-law and five-month-old grandson named after me to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. My new deflated penis felt strange in jeans. It is bigger and tucks to one side. I never noticed my penis through my jeans before and it rubs in different ways. It isn't "bad" but it's not familiar.

There is an old saying that when you pick up a stick you get both ends. One end of the implant stick is the ability to have the most powerful erections a man can have. I am going from never knowing if my dick will be hard, with near certainty that it will go soft during any sexual activity, to absolute confidence that no one can have a penis harder than mine. I'm not ready for sex yet (my incision is healing and looks good but I want a few more weeks before any friction on it), but I know I will try it out with my partner soon.

The other end of the stick is that my penis is different. It feels a little odd. Something is inside it that wasn't there before and I'm not accustomed to it yet.

When I inflated last night, it was amazing. I pumped it as far as I could, waited five minutes and got in a few more full pumps. It was harder than any erection I've ever had. It looked amazing and was stunning in its girth and rigidity. I've always pointed down, but fully pumped I am around 4 o'clock. I would have liked more upward angle but for me that's far better than it was.

When I cycled this morning, it hurt a little more. There is a little pain when I'm fully pumped and after about fifteen minutes it starts to progressively "burn" or throb from the stretching. I was relieved when my iPhone told me a half hour was up and I used the telescoping technique Dr. Hehemann showed me to deflate.

I'm very happy with my decision to get an implant, but I'm not used to it yet. I'm nervous about sex, but the wiser part of me genuinely believes this is all going to prove well in the end.

I did a little research last night and estimates are about 300,000 men in the world have penile implants. If there are 9 billion people on the planet, and if half are men, and if 2/3 of the males are post-pubescent, that means there are 3 billion potentially sexually active men. If 10% have erectile dysfunction that means 300 million men are impacted. That means only 1 of every 10,000 men who suffer from ED have an implant! I wonder how I got so lucky?

Thoreau famously said most men lead lives of "quiet desperation." Society tends to evaluate us by what we earn, produce or accomplish. We are also evaluated by how virile we are or appear to be and even though I believe these aren't the healthiest metrics of what matters most, I am a product of a child born to well educated, middle-class, conservative Christian parents in the 1960s and I can't entirely escape the mores and values I was raised with. I am beginning to understand in the realm of male sexuality I was depressed even though I have a good life in many other ways.

Knowing that this has changed forever is humbling and exciting. I'll gladly take some "rope burn" feeling on my penis, or pain from cycling or dog ears from my Titan to have the very human sexual pleasure and intimacy that I think is part of every man's birthright but was something because of a simple physiological anomaly that up to now I haven't been able to enjoy.

Am I excited to have cycled twice in the last 24-hours and experienced a rock-hard penis? Hell yes I am! And I'm starting to enjoy imagining how I will use it and for that and how my life will change I am grateful.

[Arthur]

Congratulations, sir! I'm so happy for you!

As you already know sudden changes or unfamiliarity can be a bit uncomfortable for many people, even positive changes, but this is a part of life and the good thing is the change in your life is for the good! So enjoy your new normal life now!

*Hugs* 🫂

[Wilsonmill]

Enjoy the journey and good luck