I Could've Stopped This But I Let It Happen & It Stole My Life From Me

[KrillinIt]

I've been considering writing this for a long time. I kept going back and forth on whether there was any utility to it or if it's a waste of time. I imagine this will be a lengthy post because I want to cover the whole story and exactly how I feel.

So, here's some background. I had a lot of mental issues. Bad anxiety and bouts of depression. For all my life from puberty up until about 9 months ago. I had fully committed to changing the way I thought and as a result I rid my mind of my mental illnesses. For the first time in my life. And I went hard to work on a project I was very behind on and had been making for years. I got it completely finished after several hours of no sleep but my editor left one small detail out, and my mother made a huge deal about this, and my editor had given me a ton of trouble and stressed me out - all and all I was very stressed, so I went to masturbate and I was so out of it with the stress and lack of sleep I somehow bent my dick while taking my jeans off (laying down). I still don't know exactly how it happened, but the moment it did I knew what I'd done. I was in disbelief.

I then got kicked out of where I was staying in Florida and forced to move back to the middle of nowhere with my parents so that took mental precedence at first but then this began getting worse. I couldn't even masturbate more than a few seconds without orgasming because it was so sensitive. This lasted a WHILE. Weeks, perhaps even close to 2 months.

I saw a urologist and he said because I could still get an erection and that I'm so young that it's not Peyronies Disease. I was 23 at the time. But I knew he was wrong. I had an appointment to see my doctor coming up. At this point I'd read up on Peyronies Disease and saw cialis was capable of preventing the fibrosis from forming. I knew it was wildly essential for me to get this ASAP. I stayed up the night before my appointment all night reading about Peyronies Disease and falling into a rabbit hole of despair that I couldn't quit reading. I was very scared. Time came for the apt I'd only had about 2 hours of sleep and because he'd made me wait an hour my last two visits I hit snooze on my alarm for 10 minutes because I was so exhausted. Ten minutes. I did not sleep those extra 10 minutes. I then got up and got ready and got in my car to go. I called the doc office from my car since my mom told me to do that, on my way, and they said I'd be over 10 minutes late so they had to reschedule. At first my heart dropped but then they said they could get me in the next day so I thought "oh okay well hopefully one day doesn't make a huge difference. My saving grace, God truly is on my side and wants me to stop this!" Well the next day came and went and I didn't wake up until an hour after the appointment was supposed to be. I had no idea what the hell happened, I don't know if I didn't set my alarm or slept through it. I was truly in disbelief this time. I had never done that before, and this was THE MOST important doc apt of my life!

I called to reschedule again and this time they couldn't fit me in for many weeks. I panicked. I was in sheer disbelief. After some research I found that you can get cialis on Hims. I went on their website and they set up a phone call apt, which was several days out. So the day comes for that apt, I make sure to answer the call on time, and the lady at Hims says that because I'm having pain they can't give me cialis, even though I told her it's the very exact thing I needed and the urgency. She said I could message my doctor online and ask for it. But I was too scared that he would maybe be mad I'd missed 2 apts and say no and then not give it to me when I went in person. This was a very foolish fear because once I saw him he didn't even seem to remember and I probably could've easily gotten it this way, but nontheless I put it off. I was very stressed about Thanksgiving for some reason also as that was coming and we were having a family gathering.

This entire time my penis was in a lot of pain. I kept saying the pain was probably the feeling of the fibrosis forming. I guess I was right. About two and a half weeks after missing my apts I finally got the cialis after seeing my doc, and the day I took the cialis I got the best erection I'd had in months but it also felt very different than it did before the injury, and this was the first time I noticed the deformity. It was shaped different, thicker by the head and thinner near the bottom, and the head did not fill up nearly as much, whereas it used to be pretty much the same size the whole way up and the head was large, wider than the shaft.

I will also note I had a very nice penis. It was one of my two favorite things about my entire body. It was 7 1/2 inches and very thick. Well after getting the cialis the damage was done, it was much thinner now, and deformed. I had a slight twist to the right before this which in the few weeks after missing my apts had become a more pronounced twist to the left. My whole penis is twisted to the left now. I have to turn sideways to see it straight on. And the left side shortened. It's where the fibrotic tissue is, in the months since then it's become pretty easy to locate. The thing is the deformity stopped pretty much right then and there when I got on the cialis. And given the studies that show it can stop the scars from ever forming, and mine stopped right where it was once I started it, and my pain subsided within a few days almost entirely, it seems that by missing my appointments I let this happen to me.

Since this has happened it has completely dominated my life. I've spent so many countless hours on the discord, reading medical studies and so on about this. There were many days which became weeks where I spent the majority of the day reading about this. I wake up thinking about it because it feels different, I used to wake up and rub against my bed and get an erection every morning and now it just sits there mostly flaccid, impossible not to be reminded every day. I'm also reminded every time I piss by the deformity. This was so hard at first especially. It consumed my mind every moment of every day for months. I quit going out because I said what was the point of meeting women? I was so sensitive for months that I would finish instantly, then when I'd go for round two I could barely stay hard. I hooked up with maybe 6 or so girls since this and they all cut contact with me immediately after, probably because of this, whereas before my injury they'd stick around most the time (different girls). It hurt because I got my hopes up about most of them and genuinely liked a couple, and I blamed this.

I used to be incredible at sex, I could last as long as I wanted to. Now I'm lucky to last and stay hard. And it's far less enjoyable for me because the pain on the injury. It's been about 9 months now. I haven't even found the motivation to get a job so I can make money and move out of here. None of my family understands why. I told them I had an injury that is incredibly unfortunate and really bothering me but I was very vague, I always have to be very vague about it to everyone because it's so humiliating and that drives me INSANE! I finally told my dad but he can't help, and my best friend and he doesn't know what to say...I can't deal with it. Sex was one of my very favorite things in life, and I was actively pursuing it above almost everything. It was why I went out which is what I centered my weeks around. It was a huge influence on my career path. I've been trying to drown myself in my work for my career in the arts recently but I know that's just a temporary distraction.

When I started pentox I was seeing huge results. That whole first week I was waking up with great morning wood and it was amazing. Then I saw a uro at the end of the week who was incredibly pessimistic, told me there's no cure, crushed all my optimism even though I insisted some people get better from treatments, and I haven't had morning wood since. The stuff he said sat badly with me for a while.

I still deeply deeply hate that I missed my apts. Two in a F^@$!ng row. It's absurd. It has tormented me for months. I know all I can do now is accept what is and move on but if this is really going to burden me and massively impact my life on this level the rest of my life how can I not regret those two tiny idiotic little mistakes? I kept thinking I was living in the wrong reality, that I was never meant to have this, I was meant to get the cialis and curb it. Yet here I am. I never thought I'd end up like all the sad sob story F~@ks who's lives were ruined when I first started reading about this online (no offense), I was telling myself how I'd get the cialis and stop and and then just move on, but here I am.

I still haven't tried a lot of things. Haven't tried VED, I'm broke and kinda scared. I've been doing hand traction for a few months with no changes. Nothing has changed at all since I started the cialis and that's what drives me mad, that it seems it truly did halt it and everything that happened in that time is what I must live with now which means every little mistake I made in that time to not get the cialis was now a catastrophically fatal error of me neglecting my own health. My one and only body. And at the age of 23. I've never even had a girlfriend. I take tons of pills - antioxidants. About 20+ but I've limited it down to the essentials. I'm trying the ones from the study where the 3 guys were cured especially, and others that show good studies.

I've seen some people on here who say they've been cured or damn near cured, and others who are years, decades even into this and never got better. Many who claimed they're getting better then in their bio it says they got the implant years later. I'm 24. I'm not getting the implant. I think an actual cure to the fibrosis is inevitable, be it stem cells or whatever comes. I just can't wait. My case isn't intense, the curve isn't terrible, it's mostly the EQ that's been devastating the most - and the fact that I feel I caused all of this and could've avoided it all with one simple little move of NOT making a dumbass life-shattering and careless mistake.

This has shattered my dating life, my confidence, and kept me cooped up at home miserable for a key time in my life that I'll never get back. I've gotten to watch everyone else do the things I want from social media because I just haven't had the will for life and was just saying "what's the point if I can't get what I want out of this." I've even doomed to the point of thinking what if I never have or ruin relationships because of this...I've gotten a more positive outlook for the most part recently tho, partly because I'd started to stabilize, then a couple days ago it bent again on my bed (easier, but still) when I moved because the erection was weak, and they've been weaker since.

 I've decided to get a job so I can leave now, but this is still very hard to cope with. It's crazy because mentally I'm doing better than I ever have but this (and some other physical injuries, but mainly this by far) have sucked all the joy out of life that I was so ready to finally experience. It's inescapable too, sex and people talking about dick size, function, ED, etc. Movies, music, tv, conversation, social media, it's EVERYWHERE.

I want to try heat therapy but I read some people say it's bad in acute phase and others say it's very helpful at any time. I have no idea what phase I'm in my pain almost totally stopped with the initial cialis but recently it's totally back, like 6 or so months later...and I see some people have pain for many many years. I also kinda want to try VED cuz my main concern is my EQ. I lost size and yes the deformity bothers me but if I can just restore my EQ then I would be able to put this behind me and move on much easier. Does anyone have any advice?

Anyway, that's my story. I just had to get it out eventually.

I'd love to find some hope. I read some studies and stories of people getting back to normal and it fills me with so much hope then I dig deeper reading on the issues and it's lots of people saying it didn't work for them and my hope diminishes a lot...I imagine the people on the forums clearly are those it didn't work for, but I also feel if something like heat worked after that study years ago that everyone would try it and it would work often to heal the plaque entirely? Same with antioxidants though they take years apparently which is really insane to have to wait that long...I just want some hope though man. I feel like I f'~c<+d myself for life and that's just been the toughest F^@$!ng pill to swallow, ever. In my life. And I'm still damn young. It's like my favorite thing in life was taken from me, like I threw it away.

[damnthatdent]

@KrillinIt
I read your post and I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly tough, and it's clear you're dealing with a lot right now. Missing those appointments must feel like a huge setback, especially when it felt like such a critical moment for you. It's understandable to be overwhelmed and frustrated by the situation.

First off, I want to commend you for your bravery in sharing your story with your dad and a friend. It takes a lot of courage to open up about something so personal and difficult. The fact that you're seeking help and trying to find solutions speaks volumes about your strength.

Sometimes, our anxieties and worries can cloud our judgment, making it difficult to take steps that might seem obvious in hindsight. It's also understandable to feel isolated when dealing with something so personal and difficult to discuss.

Feeling dominated by this issue is natural, especially when it's something that impacts your life so significantly. The research and constant thinking about it show how much you care about finding a solution, but it also sounds exhausting and draining. Remember that it's okay to take breaks and give yourself moments of rest from this constant stress.This disease comes over months and it will not disappear over night or with one golden paper, that you wil find that one night.   

It's good that you've shared this with your dad and best friend, even if they don't fully understand. Having people who know what you're going through can be a source of support, even if they can't offer solutions. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional, someone who can provide you with the emotional support and coping strategies to deal with this overwhelming stress.

Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself for the missed appointments. Regret is a tough emotion to deal with, but it's important to focus on what you can do moving forward. You've acknowledged the situation and are looking for ways to manage it, which is a crucial first step. If you can get through this, you can get through anything.

Regarding finding hope, it's important to remember that not all stories online will reflect your experience. Medical conditions and treatments can vary greatly from person to person. While it can be discouraging to read about others' struggles, it's also possible to find stories of recovery and improvement. Find one doctor, that is an expert and that you trust. Ask him the critical questions. If he is a good doctor, he is aware of the ongoing research and will know how you can be treated.

[KrillinIt]

[Full prior quote removed by admin, please check forum rules]

Thank you for the response and support. I very much appreciate it. I actually had a therapist on betterhelp who I talked to about this and I didn't feel anything helpful ever came from it. I don't think the practice of therapy has been useful to me at all really, and perhaps I'm wrong but often the more I talk about and reflect on my problems the worse I feel whereas the more I keep it out of my mind the better I feel. The problem is this problem is quite inescapable and robs me of something I love. I'm not unable to have sex - my EQ is just unreliable and the sensitivity can (and has) made me finish in under a minute with multiple girls, not to mention the sensitivity is also pain, or the deformity and overall changes, bad bloodflow, weird shape, etc...I've honestly been putting off going on dates with very attractive girls I've matched on dating apps and have some reservations about the whole thing now given it doesn't feel as good and I am not as good at it now to the point where something I wanted all the time and dreamed of is now something I fear and causes me worry.

And for some more context on me if I wasn't clear enough about it before - I was almost obsessed with sex before all this happened - I just didn't have it nearly as much as I'd like to have (lol). But I watched (and still do) a lot of porn, and I pursued casual hookup sex, which was all I wanted out of this part of my life. Now I feel like there's no reason for casual hookup sex anymore when it feels so much worse, I'm so much worse at it, etc. so I've been kind of forced to make this change against my will when I wanted this to be my me being free and going out phase of life. This is something I discussed with my online therapist. How I had come to want a hedonistic lifestyle due to my philosophies and now that's been taken from me, virtually, but I still pursued it and it was...lackluster, and all the girls then ghosting me didn't help how I felt about it.

I hate the scar tissue. Knowing I might've caused it, or allowed it to form with my stupid inaction even though I sat and thought about it and felt the pain every day as it likely formed. Even today it burdened me all day. And maybe it had formed even before I missed my appointments and the Cialis just helped me notice it with a fuller erection? But I kind of doubt it? But I guess I can't say for sure.

I think my friend is very sick of hearing me talk about it, and I just made my dad kind of sad and quiet when I mentioned it. He didn't know what to say. My friend is sick of me saying it every day I know it, so I've tried to tone it down, but it's so hard to deal with and I just wanna talk to someone who I don't have to pay for 30 minutes at a time once a week to listen and talk. I just wanna vent really I guess. To feel that my pain is at least being witnessed.

What I really need to do is just move on, I just hate so much that I may never have great sex again because I missed a few doctor appointments, or that I can't get good natural boners anymore and that my dick is deformed and that without boner pills it's near useless, or that the injured side barely flexes at all.

Again, I do appreciate your response, I just wanted to bring up some more of how I feel (right now even) to add to the ongoing discussion.

I often imagine where I'd be if I had curbed this or if it'd never happened. I'd likely be back in Florida with lots of new friends and many more great experiences with women and in life under my belt, cherished memories and life lived well, vs having been stuck in the middle of nowhere with only failed hookups that led nowhere and virtually nothing else accomplished at all the last 9 months. My motivation was so sapped dry.


As far as doctors I'm afraid to even talk to another one as pessimistic as the last one I saw was and as much as that really got to me mentally - A LOT. I also live somewhere without any real good doctors, I live in a poor state far from any large cities. Perhaps once I move I can find a specialist.

This has been a truly truly weird and unrelatable experience, going from being truly great at sex, going as long and as hard as I want and making my partners finish, knowing they're having a great time, having great passionate sex where we're both really enjoying ourselves - to finishing so fast it's deeply embarrassing and unsure if I'm pleasing my partners while my dick is in pain, it's such a deeply unrelatable experience to go from being that way to this way - that's not something you'll see on an episode of Seinfeld.

If I could just wake up one day with no scar tissue and a totally normal naturally occurring erection again I'd be so happy. This has taken so much of my confidence and I still just feel like it never should've happened. This was supposed to be a great year for me and instead I feel like I have a massive ball and chain now, like I'm Sisyphus but in a truly inescapable way...and it really sucks just how unrelatable this whole thing is, I feel so alone and horribly unlucky with this given the vast majority of people don't even know it can happen - don't even know you can lose dick function at 23 or that your dick can shrink. What a F^@$!ng life. And I've come to have to just accept it...yay me, so glad I might've let this happen to myself.

You said " If you can get through this, you can get through anything." I just hope I can get through this.

Thanks again for the support. Sorry if I sound bleak I just really do need the support now and want to share exactly what's been weighing on me.

[damnthatdent]

Hey, I hear you. You don't sound bleak at all; you sound like someone who's dealing with a really tough situation and needs to vent. I'm glad you're sharing what's been weighing on you because getting it out there is important.

As mentioned earlier I really respect you for talking to your dad and your friend about this. That takes a lot of courage, especially with something so personal. Even if they don't fully get it, just having someone listen can make a difference. Let them know that their support helps, even if they can't solve the problem. This can also help them feel more positive about being there for you.

I understand your frustrations with therapy, and it's true that not every therapist or type of therapy will be a perfect fit for everyone. It's okay to feel that way. The important thing is that you're trying to find ways to cope and manage your feelings, even if it's a struggle right now. Venting and sharing your story is a powerful way to process what you're going through, and it's a step towards healing.

It's really important to remember that this isn't your fault. I understand that you feel like it's your fault because of the missed appointments, but let's look at the details. The situation was unpredictable, and you were dealing with so much at the time. There's no way to know if things would be different now if you had made those appointments. The research on Peyronie's treatments isn't conclusive, so it's possible that even with immediate treatment, the outcome might not have changed. This could have happened to anyone and has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. You were doing the best you could under very stressful circumstances.

It's inspiring that you're thinking about moving forward, finding a job, and seeking new opportunities. Even when things seem bleak, the fact that you're striving to make positive changes shows a lot of resilience. Take it one step at a time, and celebrate the small wins along the way.

Keep reaching out and sharing your thoughts and feelings. You're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being and want to support you.

You have the strength to get through this, and you never know what positive changes the future might bring. Hold on to that hope, and take care of yourself.

[KrillinIt]

Thank you friend.

If anyone has any specific recommendations of treatments based on the symptoms I've described please let me know! I just want to get better and move on.

[KrillinIt]

It's really important to remember that this isn't your fault. I understand that you feel like it's your fault because of the missed appointments, but let's look at the details. The situation was unpredictable, and you were dealing with so much at the time. There's no way to know if things would be different now if you had made those appointments. The research on Peyronie's treatments isn't conclusive, so it's possible that even with immediate treatment, the outcome might not have changed. This could have happened to anyone and has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. You were doing the best you could under very stressful circumstances.

Thank you for saying this, but the truth is - it was my fault. Entirely my fault. I failed to do something I should have never not done - something as simple as driving myself to the doctors on time, and was then given a second chance and failed to do it again. I appreciate you saying it was not my fault, but the truth is that it is, and I have to accept that. I can't deny the mistakes, I was irresponsible, I toyed with my own fate. I just can't believe such a small mistake could have such massive ripples. I then didn't reach out to my doctor out of puny fear, irrational weak fear. I might've not even set my alarm for the second appointment, something I should've done INSTANTLY after making it. It is my fault.

It is just a shame to see all these other young people most of whom are likely experiencing the best years of their life and this has brought me so much suffering. I wish it could just not. Perhaps thinking about it has made it worse and I try to keep it out of my mind but how can I for long? I can't even feel an erection naturally inch up the way it used to, that natural bodily pleasure is gone...integral part of being a man.

I know it sounds nice to say it's not my fault, but it was. I had nothing going on preventing me, I made poor decisions and caused this for myself. I knew exactly how wildly important and urgent it was and still failed to just drive my ass 15 minutes across town to my doctor for pills.

Whether or not that would've made a huge difference I guess could be disputed but my pictures show my dick not deformed on the day I would've got the medicine and then it was deformed after the 20-so days of pain I didn't have it, and pretty much stopped right when I got it. Or at least that was when I first noticed it, and from then on out. Oddly enough that did seem to be the first day I noticed the deformity, again perhaps due to the filler erection. Crazy how this can take around 20 days to form and years to heal if you're incredibly lucky. 20 days to form and years to heal in one of a best case scenarios. That's so F^@$!ng insane.

The truth is it has a ton to do with me. I've been late for everything my entire life, it's basically what I'm known for. I've let, especially in my past, my anxiety get the best of me, and cause lack of sleep over and over time and time again, and I thought I was finally totally done with all that when I hit a nonsensical bad streak of sleep again and missed the appointments. I'm sure being stressed out about this had something to do with it. Isn't that incredibly ironic? It bothers me so deeply I let my own stress do that to me and couldn't handle it better. That is weakness. And I guess that may just haunt me for life now.

I guess my point is I just wanted a happy time. And I never got it going straight from mental torment to this. I just wanted to go have a nice life and have fun. Carefree sex was a large part of that.

I think my best plan is to move on and act as though this isn't happening, even though it is. If I could just have stable enough EQ for sex and not be so affected by the sensitivity then I could live with this bothering me minimally.

Should I try VED? Heat pads? Idk what I should do. I hear such super mixed answers of what is good and what is harmful.

[Sonic]

Just so you know there is literally nothing that guarantees that even if you had gotten on cialis immediately, that your symptoms/deformity would have gotten any better. Cialis is good for blood flow but it is not a miracle drug that works like what you seem to assume. If that was the case no ones peyronies would have progressed as pretty much every urologist seem to prescribe cialis on first visit.

With this disease there are really only 4 options. VED, Traction, leaving it alone, Implant.

Since you have ED I would suggest trying a pump and using it with caution. Even though pumping is relatively easy there is a learning curve and when new to it one must always be careful, never over pump or hold the pressure to long. I recommend the brand LA Pump, and get a cylinder that matches your girth size.

[Wilsonmill]

Go to EDcure and look for doctors in your state, coloplast also has a doctor's list, just go to a doctor. Probably quite a few in your state.

[KrillinIt]

Go to EDcure and look for doctors in your state, coloplast also has a doctor's list, just go to a doctor. Probably quite a few in your state.

The only one who came up for my state is the one I went to see last time, I believe I got one of his assistants, and he was incredibly downbeat, the visit if anything just made me feel exponentially worse and he told me there's nothing that can be done for me. I live in a shithole state we don't have much of anything in the way of being "good".

[Wilsonmill]

What state are you in ?

[KrillinIt]

I'd rather not say. There's a few others in the state I see now but they're hours away, further than out of state. I don't really see what good seeing another doc would do anyway I already know everything there is to know and what I need to do moving forward for now.

[KrillinIt]

Just so you know there is literally nothing that guarantees that even if you had gotten on cialis immediately, that your symptoms/deformity would have gotten any better. Cialis is good for blood flow but it is not a miracle drug that works like what you seem to assume. If that was the case no ones peyronies would have progressed as pretty much every urologist seem to prescribe cialis on first visit.

With this disease there are really only 4 options. VED, Traction, leaving it alone, Implant.

I never said it was guaranteed, I assume you say this trying to reaffirm me, so thank you if so, but the fact of the matter is there's a study showing it can prevent the formation of Peyronies Disease scarring that is published on PubMed, seemingly entirely or at least significantly. It is largely recommended as the first treatment to start ASAP on the reddit and discord, this is how I knew to do it quite a while before my appointments. And sure it's one study but it's also the only thing mentioned to be able to do this - and once I started the cialis the deformity out right pretty much stopped right there as it was and has been the same as right where it stopped ever since, so given all the information I have it's a very likely educated guess to assume what I'm assuming is true. That being said, it is what it is and I am moving on now.

In terms of those being the only options that I just don't accept at all though. I've read many accounts of people being healed by heat therapy and studies where it healed men entirely. There's also the antioxidant studies which healed people entirely. Amongst many other things here and there, but those two seem quite promising. Can't doubt trying these things especially when there's legitimate posted medical studies on them showing complete remission of Peyroines.

Just because some things don't work for some doesn't mean they won't work for others.

I consider my case pretty mild. I'm moving out of the despair now.

I did just post in here for mental support mainly but of course the treatment advice is very welcome also. I plan to get a medical grade VED I think, I just wanna understand how well it works better and if the fixes to the ED are permanent.

[KrillinIt]

It does just bother me because 20 or so days is a LONG time to go extra, that's a long time to let something get by. I often think and realize now how even letting something get by for a day or two seems like a lot. Like how could I have even let that happen without just messaging my doc? But I know it's the worry of what might happen that stopped me, very ironic nonetheless.

And I know thinking about it won't help me but I also just want to say how I feel here so maybe some of you can offer some advice or thoughts to help me in this process.

The thought that I am just "damaged goods" now and may remain this way is really something, shattering crushing and depressing at first and now it's come with a sobering acceptance, but still quite a bit somber, just more numb now.

Seeing and feeling the scar and deformity every day, it bothers me quite a lot. Waking up to a limp dick that can't get very hard is still a hard shake into reality every morning. Every single morning. Like a slap in the face.

Perhaps these treatments can fix things a lot and make me much better. Feeling like I'm far less capable and far less of a sexual creature than I was is quite disappointing. Letting it stop me so so much in life has been terrible also.

It sucks so much to feel like you made a mistake, such a terrible awful life changing mistake that was so small and amazing that it could even happen, and multiple mistakes surrounding it also and that that has just totally changed my life. I almost never hear of anything like this or akin to this. Freak accidents and tragedies at best. It's really F^@$!ng something man, it's really F^@$!ng something. Especially at this age.

Any further thoughts help. Thanks.

[KrillinIt]

Keep coming back and checking. No responses in 11 days now which I guess means everyone has given up on replying to me.

Eleven days seems like a lot, which makes the 20 or so after I missed my apts till when I got the cialis seem like such an extremely huge amount of time to pass to get pretty urgent medical care. I compare that time frame to everything now. It really did deform right in that time frame and stopped right when I started the cialis and nothing has changed at all in the 10 months since.

I accept the best thing I can do now though is just think about it as little as possible and live my life as if I don't have this.

I can't change the past. I must just accept and continue. The returned pain has been concerning and annoying. I plan to try heat soon once I determine if it will be helpful or harmful.
This is a sorry sad F~@< condition. And I choose to just not F^@$!ng think about it anymore cuz it's too goddamn depressing. I've got enough problems without and indirectly because of this anyway. So F~@< it.

[KrillinIt]

I hate the scar tissue. It's a pretty decent size along the left side. Quite visible even when flaccid with a visible curve. My dick has shrunk and changed a lot. I look at pictures of it hard from before and I can't even believe how big it was. I'm still a good size now because it was so big naturally but it was huge before and it really sucks to lose all that length and girth to become just above average but nothing fantastic. Plus the pain and the curve. Thinking that I could've stopped this scar tissue from forming, which is the very essence of what this disease is - it does haunt me. The head gets and retains much less blood and does not get as big. Noticed it ever since the day I started Cialis - the deformity and different shape and different head shape. It haunts me still to be honest. Is this my story now? The guy who used to have a really big dick and be amazing at sex and now I'm 24 and can only get a level 3 erection out of 4 and am incredibly sensitive and my sex life and confidence has been greatly diminished. Is this really all just because I let 20 days go by from missing my appointments by a few minutes, that I should've put SO much more importance and made it there NO MATTER WHAT! Not just once, but twice I failed to get there. My dick feels like damaged goods now, like the scarred remnants of what was. I've never even had a girlfriend. I've never had consistent sex for more than like 8 days in my life. Will that forever be the highlight of my sex life now? Will I never know that passion and the passion of true great sex life and love now? Is my sex life f'~c<+d? Will women leave me? Will I be able to date or marry or keep a woman without her cheating? I am only 24. I should not be having these thoughts. But I do every day now.

[sammysosa17]

Peyronies aside, you have a problem with regret. A big part of this disease is the mental battle. You need to win that first.  I've seen several posts on here from you repeatedly bringing up these 20 days. No matter what, you can't change the past. You need to let that go and focus on where you are at now. The past is irrelevant and harping on it will only hurt yourself. Try making your goal each day to focus on what you can control. You have the ability to do heat therapy, traction, VED, supplements. All things that you can use to improve your situation. Find hope in knowing that TODAY you did what you could. Stop thinking about the past. Stop looking at old pictures. There's more to life than your penis. If you think you regret those 20 days that you didn't get on Cialias, just wait for the regret you will feel when you are on your death bed and you realize how much of your life you wasted worrying about your penis.

[KrillinIt]

Peyronies aside, you have a problem with regret. ... If you think you regret those 20 days that you didn't get on Cialias, just wait for the regret you will feel when you are on your death bed and you realize how much of your life you wasted worrying about your penis.

Thanks for the response. I know this well, and have known it, it's just incredibly hard to accept that this life shattering situation is my reality and what's just as difficult to accept is that I could've prevented it. I imagine how I should be saying how lucky I was to have dodged this bullet and how my timing was perfect. And would've been perfect. The pictures from the days of my doc apts I had no real deformity yet, no loss of blood flow and girth. By the time I got the cialis the left side struggles immensely for blood.

I found this quote that seems to further prove what I know:
" There is some evidence that when oxygen levels
become too low, TGF-B1 production increases and prostaglandin production
decreases. If oxygen levels become too low, smooth muscles atrophy and collagen
is overproduced, causing scarring and loss of elasticity and reduced blood flow
to the penis."

Again, I know I have to just accept this, trust me I know - I've been telling myself every day for MONTHS. It's just that in 24, I have venous leakage (it seems) ED, and my dick is so sensitive I can't even last as long in masturbation now. It's really hard not to be reminded every single day of what COULD have been if my dumb ass could've only made a doctors appointment or two or tried harder to get the Cialis which I knew could've saved me. I honestly still can't believe the situation as a whole.
I'm not sure if any of the treatments will still be nearly as good as if I'd just avoided it to begin with.

I keep asking myself will that mistake change the enter course of my life? I guess it already has, but has it permanently altered me and my sex life?? That's a TOUGH pill to swallow.

I just think how easy it is to get out of bed and go despite having only 2 hours of sleep or whatever it was - with that much on the line I should've been much more vigilant. I couldn't believe I slept through the 2nd apt, I couldn't believe I didn't set an alarm and it got away from me. Such a massive failure on my part in my chance for redemption.

I could've not had to have spent the last 7 months scouring the internet for miracle cures and grasping at hope just to lose it over and over toiling away in despair. And for God knows how much longer it'll all afflict me, physically, mentally, confidence, etc.

Obviously I am struggling with the mental part of it yes, that's why I'm in the mental forum. It's just incredibly difficult.

[KrillinIt]

In short, my inability to be somewhere on time (which I never am, ever), has led me to possibly lifelong despair.

[Wilsonmill]

You should look into the military, they will certainly give you a new direction in life.

[KrillinIt]

I guess I will abandon this post now. I had one guy @damnthatdent give me actual nice advice and that's pretty much it. It really sucks that I could've prevented this and didn't and now I live with it every day, thinking I won't be good enough to keep a girl around because I repeatedly haven't been since and I can't even get an erection on my own or maintain a strong one...has completely shifted my goals in life and since i value female beauty and love so highly but feel like i can do nearly nothing with them now. Like some of my greatest desires in life are just physically unattainable for me now. At 24. How sad. Even porn often just makes me more sad than anything anymore. Coupled with the car accident effecting my whole body pretty badly, I try every day to move on and have been making progress of just thinking about it way less, but I still do feel like my once mighty and impressive cock is just broken now, since I did allow it to literally deform, and that unfortunate story that I can share with almost no one is just my life now. And it crushed my motivation and confidence. But clearly no one here really gives a F~@< anyway. Some support group this is. Only one guy made an actual attempt to be here for me.

[Wilsonmill]

I'd rather not say. There's a few others in the state I see now but they're hours away, further than out of state. I don't really see what good seeing another doc would do anyway I already know everything there is to know and what I need to do moving forward for now.

You already said you know everything there is to know.....I have seen plenty on your thread that have responded, no pity party from me.