Psychological changes

[thegreycat]

I've gone through such a rollercoaster over the last 12 months.
From the sheet panic we've all felt when I first discovered my first lump, to feelings of the most intense guilt toward my partner. Feelings of burning self-hatred, of being literally terrified to go to sleep due to NTE pain, to the shame, loathing and embarrasment of using a VED. The desparation of reading these forums and a million other online resources, desperately looking for something I may have missed.

The excitement when you *think* a lump is changing/lessening, only for it to come crashing down when you feel again later on and it's there, big as ever. The dreams I have almost nightly, where things are fine. I literally have dreams that I wake up with an NTE and look down and it's straight as an arrow again. I have dreams where I'm simply able to make love again. I have dreams where things are just normal, and this cloud isn't permanently stuck over my head. Those dreams are lovely, and waking up and realising the truth is something I find extremely difficult nowadays.

The very real suicidal thoughts that took me to the darkest places I've ever been psychologically.
Recently, my pain has mostly gone, as has the daily discomfort, but the damage has been done. The deformity remains, the loss of size remains, the soft erections remain, the fact that I am no longer intimate with my partner remains. The fact that I find references to sex and porn super uncomfortable reamains.  And so now I just feel... sad. The huge emotional swings are mostly gone, but now it's just like I've finally found rock bottom and now I'm just resting there.
To think that at some stage, just over a year ago, I silently peaked and never even knew it. That thought alone is devastating. I never even fathomed what was about to happen, what my next 12 months was going to look like.
I still look forward to the future in some respects, but I no longer feel hope.I still laugh and smile about things, but I no longer feel joy.I can sit alone and be at one with my thoughts, but I no longer feel peaceful.I can smash targets at work and spin 1000 plates at once, but I no longer feel that quiet confidence.
Just venting. I am grateful of this space as a safe haven to write these things down.
I hope you're all doing OK out there.

[Sonic]

Do you regularly exercise? What you have written sounds like a description of me. Key to control these emotions are exercise as often as you can.

Best way I can describe it is picture your minds battle with Peyronies as a scale. One side is positive, one side is negative. The post endorphine effect that you get from working out will help keep the scale even, also as clean of a diet as one can maintain will also aid towards keeping the scale even.

If you do not exercise regularly the scale will tip over to the negative side quickly and it will remain there until it's been sunken into the ground.

This is how it is for me. My darkest moments have continuously been when I have stayed away from the gym and had a dreadful diet eating incredibly unhealthy. Shift your focus from the disease and put it into the gym, it will make your mind healthier, it will give you a better physique and it will drain your energy to the point where you will not think as much about the disease as you do if you just remain sedentary and are alone with thoughts 24/7.

You will be cured one day or another wether that be through some standard treatment that suddenly helps or wether it be through surgery like typical peyronies surgery or an implant. This is not be trying to give you false hope and make you happy. I'm just stating a fact. This is not ALS. This is Peyronies. There are cures!

[Eaudecologne]

Hey Greycat,

This is a very desperate post from you that I want to comment with a few thought that might help you:

1) The example: if a person who sits in a wheelchair can be happy and find joy in life, without both legs and also without using the 3. leg anymore - you can do it too! I know this doesn't really help you personally but there is truth in its meaning!

2) your emotions are totally normal and this belongs to the fundamental needs of human Beeing. Do you know maslows hyrachie of needs? It says that the absolute basic needs of a person are sleep, eating/ drinking and sex. So if one of those is completely missing in life, of course you get depressed. And this is the reason that you need to work on a solution because otherwise you won't find happiness in this beautiful life and world. This brings me to the next point -

3) If your situation is as bad as you describe: absolute no Hope, no Joy in anything that you are doing and also no, absolute no possibility to have sex (satisfying one) you are the perfect candidate to get an implant. You are already at the very bottom and every day that you spend in this hell is a lost day.

My suggestion is to book in an appointment with the best doc you can find and schedule it for a date next year. In the meantime you try all the non surgical treatments (maybe they will work and you can cancel that appointment) and if not - get it done and find your happiness back- not necessary to Throw away your life completely.

I wish you the best mate!

[Trapper]

Grey cat-

I talked to a guy in your country that is 33 yesterday. He is very happy with the implant. If has been 12 months and you are still not happy maybe you can do that? If NHS will allow(

PM me if you want his contact to speak to.

[Bud luck]

Eaudocologne, I agree with you but I do think implants come with high risks, if something goes wrong the consequences are worse than having a non functional dick, plus the implant is a short term solution. I'm been thinking about having an implant fir a long time now, but I read every day on an implant forum horrible stories that hold me back from having an implant: guys with more than 4 revisions in less than 5 years, erosion, infection, chronic pain, perforated urethra, testicular removal, necrosis, floppy glans, unable to orgasm.......by at the same time without an implant I'm no longer able to have a satisfactory sex life wich is causing me deep depression, having a damaged penis is devastating because there is a not SAFE solution.

[Eaudecologne]

Hey all,

@bud luck: you are right that a surgery like this contains many risks BUT in the situation that grey cat describes, where absolutely nothing can give him pleasure or happiness anymore and where he thinks about suicide - these risks are absolute worth to take because the alternative is an endless nightmare. Every surgery has many risks, even the most common and easiest ones.

A point that I forgot in my last post: I would also suggest to focus on business/ making money in the meantime because as we all know money cannot buy happiness (that's someting you realize when having dick problems ) BUT it can rise your chances to have a great outcome with a surgery a LOT by paying the best surgeon for your individual problem.

Still a hard choise but reading about horror stores will not help anyone- there are horror stories about every medical treatment in the internet !  

[thegreycat]

Thanks everyone.

Don't get me wrong I'm in a far, far better place than I was even a couple of short months ago, from a psychological point of view. The really desperate, dark thoughts are mostly on the back burner now but they do rear their ugly head from time to time.

I think talk of an implant is premature; I've not even had my first uro appointment yet, despite two referrals. The NHS is in tatters unfortunately and so things like this are not a priority, I've just been told to wait.

I am using a VED, and I am making progress IN the VED in that it has reduced my pain to almost nothing, two of my three problem areas now completely fill the VED and the third, curve-causing area is very slowly filling in as the weeks go by, but that has yet to translate to "real world" progress, so I am taking steps and while I have non-surgical options available I will pursue those.

I am looking into getting a traction device if I find my VED progress begins to stagnate.


Sonic - Appreciate your insight. I do excercise, not as much as I should but I do. Lifting makes my lumps super uncomfortable at the moment, but I do find solace in running; something I very much enjoy.

While I am just venting - I do think it's important to get these feelings down. This affects everyone in a different way and some of us find resiliency in different things.

Thanks again folks. Be well.

[Hawk]

I do think implants come with high risks, if something goes wrong the consequences are worse than having a nonfunctional dick, plus the implant is a short term solution.

False Information - In fact implants with a high volume surgeon come with VERY LOW risk and a VERY HIGH satisfaction rate.  I do not think anyone on the forum that received a proper implant from a high-volume surgeon has had a revision because it wore out and many of us are on 6 plus years and counting.  

It is one thing to obsess and manufacture false information because you are not thinking rationally.  It is another thing to spread false information.

[20yo]

I will share my personal experience
I know it will not apply to many, but maybe it will apply to someone
I am gay

I spent 2 years running away from sex because of peyronies
Recently i tried having sex multiple times and i enjoyed it very much, even tho i had no erection at all
Basically i was a bottom. I always imagined that i would be a top, i also had a very nice dick and thought myself as capable of taking initiative and being confident
But i tried being a bottom and i really liked it. In the end, the actual penetration is just a part of the act of sex. There is the flirting, the playfulness, the moment when you undress, the looks in the eyes, the touches on the body, the things you do with your tongue. Everything is very hot and can give you a warm fuzzy feeling

I don't expect you guys to enjoy receptive anal sex. Some straight guys do most dont
What i expect you to do is to explore and dont have preconceived notions on what you like and what you dont like.
Maybe there are other things you may really like and may satisfy you, but you just dont give them a chance ( just like i didnt)

I will also add that i found sexual partners that were EXTREMELY understanding and even though they requested if i could top them, when they noticed my penis wasnt really fit for it, they reassured me

TLDR adapted sex >>>>>> no sex