Peyronies Society Forums

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

We offer our most sincere condolences to Old Man who lost his wife of 59 years on Monday night to Pancreatic Cancer.   
He is in our sincere thoughts and prayers.

Pages: [1]   Go Down

Author Topic: How do I talk to him?  (Read 600 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

dumplinglover8

  • PDS Newbie
  • *
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 2
How do I talk to him?
« on: May 23, 2022, 10:34:57 PM »

Hello all,

I discovered Peyronie's disease today, through a google search of some of my boyfriend's symptoms. We've been together for almost a year now, and our sex life has always been a topic of argument for us.

During our first time having sex, he lost his erection--he said this was due to nervousness and performance anxiety. I sympathized, and figured the sex will improve the more we'd get to know each other. Couple of months pass, and it didn't get any better. I had so many questions, was he not attracted to me? He is only 32, what can cause Erectile Dysfunction in such a young person? He takes very good care of himself, he is a runner and exercises regularly.

One day after another failed attempt at having sex, he sat me down and told me about having a porn addiction. I knew this scenario all too well, as I've had a previous ex partner who also suffered from porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction. I know it's no easy feat, and I told him that I'd be patient with him through his addiction.

Over the following months that passed, he really did show a drastic improvement. We're able to have sex multiple times a week, and he is able to come most of the time. I only come half of the time though, if that. He's extremely rushed in his performance, and I feel like a lot of it has to do with the fear of losing his erection, which happens 30-40% of the time. He doesn't want to try anal, and I feel like that also has to do with the fear that he would lose an erection, or simply not be hard enough to penetrate all the way.

My self-esteem has been suffering, as I've internalized his Erectile Dysfunction. I felt like I wasn't good enough, and that he would probably rather secretly watch porn, and his lack of sexual desire and his losing his erection is because I'm not attractive enough. So I find comfort in subreddits like r/deadbedrooms r/loveafter porn.

There was a lady on the r/loveafterporn subreddit who was talking about penile injuries, and I recalled him telling me once, that his ex-girlfriend had bent his penis while riding him. They had this accident 3 years ago, and he had to go to the hospital for his penis injury. I thought about the peculiar shape of his penis--an hourglass while flaccid, thicker towards the head and thinner in girth moving closer to the base of the penis. For the longest time, I thought that was just the unique line/indentation that he had. A couple of times I wanted to ask him, if that line was from his injury. I refrained from asking because he has a rather big ego, and I don't want to probe.

I googled images of a Peyronie's penis, and low and behold I read about the hourglass figure, and indentation. I found everything explained to me; he never has morning wood, and when he does it's not hard enough for penetration. His erections are rarely completely stiff, almost always there's a softness in them. Even the photo diagrams of the plaque buildup resembles the shape of his penis. The only symptom he does not seem to have, is a curved erection. When he does have an erection, it's straight ad it's not painful for him.

It seems though, that this is a really hard subject for men to talk about. And apparently some men would rather wait it out and not talk about it with anyone, not even a doctor. Knowing the nature of my boyfriend's fragile ego, I can only assume that he falls under this category.

What should I do? Any advice would help. Thank you for hearing my story!

Logged
29 year old female | partner of a 33 year old man whom I love very much, who may have Peyronie's

Hawk

  • Bionic Penis 22cm Titan - Dr. Eid 8/7/18
  • Administrator
  • *****
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 6466
    • Peyronie's Disease
Re: How do I talk to him?
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2022, 01:08:12 AM »

Welcome, DumplingGlover,

First, I want to reinforce that you are welcome to post on any of our boards.  We consider women to be valuable addition to the forum.

First, din;t assume he has Peyronies Disease.  Peyronies Disease is specifically a scaring process that runs out of control over undamaged tissue.  If he had a penile fracture and it healed and is not progressive, that is just normal healing like a cut arm.  It is true that the scar can cause deformity because the scar does not expand like normal erectile tissue.  It is not, however, progressive.  It could simply be an old healed injury.

The Erectile Dysfunction might or might not be related to the injury.  Has there been any discussion about seeing a urologist?  Had he tried any Erectile Dysfunction medication?

It is pretty late, and I have to hit the sack, but I will check back in in the morning.

Best wished!

Hawk
Logged
Prostatectomy 2004, radiation 2009, currently 70 yrs old
After pills, injections, VED - Dr Eid, Titan 22cm implant 8/7/18
Hawk - Updated 10/27/18 - Peyronies Society Forums

Hazelboy98

  • Voting Member
  • **
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 61
Re: How do I talk to him?
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2022, 02:44:15 AM »

Your boyfriend seems kind of selfish to be honest. You sound too kind to be with a dude who would rather jerk off to pictures then share intimacy with a real person. Honestly the fact that he's been so quiet and shut in about an issue as blatant as this is a red flag

Is he not willing to find other ways to share intimacy without a full erection? You seriously have no obligation to fix this guy if he won't even talk to you about it or find alternatives of having sexual intimacy without a full erection, especially if he knows it's dropping your self esteem

Just straight up tell him what it's doing to your self esteem and what he should do to make things better. If he gets offended and ignores you then now you know he cares more about his ego than other people
Logged
24 yrs old    Descended from Heaven on 11/27/97

Severe pain and shape changes started on Nov 30th, 2020 from injury

Shape was back to normal by December 2021
Still have some pain but hoping that will eventually go away too =D

Chicago!

Hawk

  • Bionic Penis 22cm Titan - Dr. Eid 8/7/18
  • Administrator
  • *****
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Posts: 6466
    • Peyronie's Disease
Re: How do I talk to him?
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2022, 08:35:25 AM »

Unlike the previous member, I won't pretend to fully understand the dynamics of a relationship or the individuals in it from reading a 600-word post on the internet. I also won't assume that you are with him solely for sex. If you were, you would have found someone else the weekend after he lost an erection on your first encounter.  If sex is a very important part of a great relationship then this is where we start.

Serious questions are
1. Is he REALLY REGULARLY masturbating to porn, OR is that a cover-up because he feels too humiliated to admit that his penis just does not work?
2. If he is regularly masturbating to porn, it is very likely because he has zero performance anxiety and feels no obligation to please a porn figure - NOT because he prefers it to sex with you.
3. Also, keep in mind that an erection is not at all necessary for a man to have a powerful orgasm - while he might continue to orgasm flaccid after losing an erection, he might feel too embarrassed to do that with you while you please each other in different ways.

If you otherwise care about him and the relationship enough to try to fix this part of it, keep in mind that it is more likely to be a marathon than it is to be a quick fix. It will take emotional energy and communication. You know whether the two of you are up for that. If you are, we probably have suggestions on some steps you can consider taking. I believe the possibility exists to totally salvage the sexual side of the relationship if both of you give it a full effort.

PS: You don't mention if he has ever tried any Erectile Dysfunction drugs.
Logged
Prostatectomy 2004, radiation 2009, currently 70 yrs old
After pills, injections, VED - Dr Eid, Titan 22cm implant 8/7/18
Hawk - Updated 10/27/18 - Peyronies Society Forums

dumplinglover8

  • PDS Newbie
  • *
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 2
Re: How do I talk to him?
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2022, 03:13:07 PM »

Thank you so much, for your thoughtful responses Hawk and Hazel. I feel very supported, which really helps me in this time of confusion.

I guess I was just so relieved when finding out about Peyronie’s that I didn’t stop to think what else it could be. I finally felt like the problem wasn’t the porn, and it was something beyond his control. For some reason, this was more comforting to me. It was really hurting me to imagine him indulging in his fantasies, and having that be the reason for our lack of passion.

Even just the discussion about him seeing a dr is futile. It took me 6 months to get him just to make an appointment with a doctor. This took several heart wrenching fights. He doesn’t seem to believe that he has a problem.

We do engage in other forms of intimacy, like cuddling and hugging. Massaging and showering together. I love him very much, as he cooks for me and takes care of me. We have a pretty good thing, besides all of this.

I’ve told him many times that this is affecting me mentally. And usually his rebuttal is that, this is affecting him mentally too. When he finally went to see a doctor, he came home with the doctors suggestion to visit a specialist without a followup. I was so disappointed that the dr didn’t just write him a prescription for cialis. He seems to be against taking medication, for reasons I don’t understand. He recreationally does cocaine, which I’m almost certain is much more detrimental to his health than a vasodilator will ever be.

It’s definitely a possibility that I won’t be able to navigate around his ego. I think it’s more likely than not the porn is a cover up for the erectile dysfunction. I almost wish that it would be. The resentment leads me to feel like the whole porn thing is just a spiel to make me feel bad about myself so I won’t question him but instead, feel ugly. This aspect actually hurts me more than the Erectile Dysfunction of itself. So, it brings me comfort to imagine that this comes from a place of fear on his part instead of lust, cause I think that I can work around getting him to feel more comfortable about performance. I enjoy giving him head as often as I can since it seems to help him get out of his head. I’ve heard that men can have orgasms through anal stimulation too, but he doesn’t seem to be comfortable with me in that area of his body.

I’m definitely willing to put down my best and go long for this person. I just don’t know how to do it in a way where he feels less of a man, or not good enough. It would be nice to know what to do, and to do it without hurting my own self too much in the process.
Logged
29 year old female | partner of a 33 year old man whom I love very much, who may have Peyronie's

Stabler

  • Global Moderator
  • ***
  • Country: us
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Female
  • Posts: 667
  • God made us all different for a reason.
    • Diabetes and my Life
Re: How do I talk to him?
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2022, 05:18:22 PM »

Hello Dumplinglover8,

Welcome to our forum. I hope we will be able to help you through this there is a lot of information in the forum and the Ladies Only board is a wonderful resource, I see you have access to that. I have sent you a msg that includes several valuable links within the forum I would like you to check them out, they will be beneficial to you both.

You haven’t mentioned how open he is to discussing this. Do you feel like it is a conversation you could start with him and maybe invite him to the forum to view the boards, it could be a great resource and maybe relief to him to have somewhere to go and talk with other men having similar problems.

While I understand how this is wearing on you, please keep in mind that he is feeling alone in this and struggling so your support is important if your going to try and stay in this relationship. While it doesn’t seem like the doctor appt you went to went very well, my msg to you had a link to a list of urologists that specialize in Peyronies, if he is willing you might start there to confirm this diagnosis so you know where you are starting g from exactly.

Please post in the forum all the members here are happy to help. We are very happy to have you with us.

Stabler
Logged
Moderator since 2015- Missouri- I work in the medical field and have strong knowledge of insurance and how to obtain coverage for medication and other treatments. Being a woman I do not have Peyronies but you can ask me anything. I am happy to help.
Pages: [1]   Go Up
 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
8 Replies
6493 Views
Last post March 02, 2012, 11:06:42 AM
by Skjaldborg
20 Replies
1682 Views
Last post March 19, 2021, 08:28:24 AM
by 20yo
9 Replies
322 Views
Last post May 05, 2022, 12:18:18 AM
by Hawk