do strong people suffer in silence? or maybe choose their outlet? getting help from strangers while keeping secrets from people who are close?
if i share my struggles with people who are close to me and care about me then they will be worried stressed and insomniac, but if i keep it a secret then im living a double life and i feel like my personality splits,
they ask me if im ok, they ask me whats wrong they tell me im acting strange, my answer : im just a little tired.
honestly the effects of peyronies on every relationships is so insanly detrimental, and besides, im so ashamed to say that my dick hurts and curves and that i was stupid enough to do it to myself.
I been living a double life for years, trying to hide my depression, its not actually only regarding peyronies.
since i been passing out after meals and i fasted for 24 days recently ,my family realised how serious the digestive problems im dealing with are, it made me feel less alone but my family became so worried, and my mom even fasted with me untill she got very sick only so that i wouldnt suffer alone and see her eat or smell the food she would be making, she felt so bad and she lost a tooth, i tried to talk her out of it but she felt too sorry for me.
I have been lying so much lately, when going to see doctors, when being asked about the supplements, when asked why i cant sleep at night, i cant say why i dont want to make them nervous and i dont want to lie too, other than that i do find an outlet and support in the forum, a place i where i expected it the least.
but living a double life is exhausting and it hurts the relationships and makes me feel distant and even disconnected from myself, i feel as if im changing character when im around people and then feeling all the emotions slapping my face in full power as soon as im alone in my room.
Also i've been feeling like im using people as a distraction from peyronies now, like a coping mechanism that represses my emotions while im distracted talking about random stuff, i dont feel like its so bad at a time like this when i feel like i need a distraction and dont want to feel.
Im not even planning to tell them that im suffering from this disease and i feel very far from even considering it, but i do keep the idea in the very back of my mind.
But maybe theres another way? Maybe i should get used to lying, maybe the problem is that i care? Why do i even care that they think im im doing good because im smiling, maybe because im dying inside, and i get mad when they tell me my life is good, because they dont know me, they only see the outer shell, the persona, the mask i put on for them to not stress out for me, and what i get in return is them saying im spoiled and lazy worriless
and inconsiderate, can you really blame them? I do because i feel they should question my mental health before judging me, but then when they do question my mental health and ask me, i deny that theres something wrong and feel disappointed in them for believing me(because i want to show my struggles, but i cant do it for concern of their physical and mental health) im so insanely conflicted and have been for so many years.
they dont realise im depressed and suicidal, they dont realise my thoughts are running too fast and i feel obsessive towards certain things, and that i dont feel like getting up from bed, and i lose my will to be around people who think they know me best but really, dont know me at all, and although they can see some troubles im dealing with they never see struggles,
I recall of one time when by mistake i mentioned feeling depressed and i got attacked, they told me i dont know what im talking about, they said im talking nonsense, that my life is perfect, that they wish they had the life i had etc etc(no surprise after years of showing my persona solely isnt it)
right now when im lying i just say that im fasting and supplementing because of my digestive issues(not a complete lie but not completely true) and all kinds of small white lies that sometimes make me question why i dont just lock myself in my room and isolate again like i used to do.
i been isolated for years and lost the ability to empathise with people, relate to them, and enjoy their company, i became resentful towards people.
Lately i been trying regain these social abilities and it felt like a complete slap to my face, and made me realise why i isolated myself in the first place.
Being alone feels lonely sometimes but i feel complete this way
no need to lie, no need to put a fake mask on and pretend, and no need to make my presence a burden on other people who care about me
and a source of negativity that effects them.
Do you guys deal with anything similar?
Thoughts?