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[Asphyxia]

do strong people suffer in silence? or maybe choose their outlet? getting help from strangers while keeping secrets from people who are close?

if i share my struggles with people who are close to me and care about me then they will be worried stressed and insomniac, but if i keep it a secret then im living a double life and i feel like my personality splits,
 they ask me if im ok, they ask me whats wrong they tell me im acting strange, my answer : im just a little tired.
 honestly the effects of peyronies on every relationships is so insanly detrimental, and besides, im so ashamed to say that my dick hurts and curves and that i was stupid enough to do it to myself.

I been living a double life for years, trying to hide my depression, its not actually only regarding peyronies.

since i been passing out after meals and i fasted for 24 days recently ,my family realised how serious the digestive problems im dealing with are, it made me feel less alone but my family became so worried, and my mom even fasted with me untill she got very sick only so that i wouldnt suffer alone and see her eat or smell the food she would be making, she felt so bad and she lost a tooth, i tried to talk her out of it but she felt too sorry for me.

I have been lying so much lately, when going to see doctors, when being asked about the supplements, when asked why i cant sleep at night, i cant say why i dont want to make them nervous and i dont want to lie too, other than that i do find an outlet and support in the forum, a place i where i expected it the least.
 but living a double life is exhausting and it hurts the relationships and makes me feel distant and even disconnected from myself,       i feel as if im changing character when im around people and then feeling all the emotions slapping my face in full power as soon as im alone in my room.

Also i've been feeling like im using people as a distraction from peyronies now, like a coping mechanism that represses my emotions while im distracted talking about random stuff, i dont feel like its so bad at a time like this when i feel like i need a distraction and dont want to feel.

Im not even planning to tell them that im suffering from this disease and i feel very far from even considering it, but i do keep the idea in the very back of my mind.

But maybe theres another way? Maybe i should get used to lying, maybe the problem is that i care? Why do i even care that they think im im doing good because im smiling, maybe because im dying inside, and i get mad when they tell me my life is good, because they dont know me, they only see the outer shell, the persona, the mask i put on for them to not stress out for me, and what i get in return is them saying im spoiled and lazy worriless
and  inconsiderate, can you really blame them? I do because i feel they should question my mental health before judging me, but then when they do question my mental health and ask me, i deny that theres something wrong and feel disappointed in them for believing me(because i want to show my struggles, but i cant do it for concern of their physical and mental health) im so insanely conflicted and have been for so many years.

they dont realise im depressed and suicidal, they dont realise my thoughts are  running too fast and i feel obsessive towards certain things, and that i dont feel like getting up from bed, and i lose my will to be around people who think they know me best but really, dont know me at all, and although they can see some troubles im dealing with they never see struggles,

I recall of one time when by mistake i mentioned feeling depressed and i got attacked, they told me i dont know what im talking about, they said im talking nonsense, that my life is perfect, that they wish they had the life i had etc etc(no surprise after years of showing my persona solely isnt it)

right now when im lying i just say that im fasting and  supplementing because of my digestive issues(not a complete lie but not completely true) and all kinds of small white lies that sometimes make me question why i dont just lock myself in my room and isolate again like i used to do.

i been isolated for years and lost the ability to empathise with people, relate to them, and enjoy their company, i became resentful towards people.

Lately i been trying regain these social abilities and it felt like a complete slap to my face, and made me realise why i isolated myself in the first place.


Being alone feels lonely sometimes but i feel complete this way
no need to lie, no need to put a fake mask on and pretend, and no need to make my presence a burden on other people who care about me
and a source of negativity that effects them.


Do you guys deal with anything similar?

Thoughts?

[NeoV]

Let people know how bad you're suffering, until you no longer need to (you'll learn when it hurts people, and when it doesn't).

Usually we need to go through a first stage of radical honestly. Then once we've proven the limits of such honesty, by seeing how it affects others, we feel comfortable not doing it so much and achieve balance.

I say tell people as much as you can! You may feel shame afterward or regret, but that's part of the process.

[Hawk]

I do not share information about my penis with a wide audience.  Very few people in my circle, male or female, share information about their genitals with me.  I don't find that surprising.  I also have the advantage of a wife of many decades to confide in, which probably satisfies my need.  I do have a brother-in-law and his wife who know.  Frankly, he would rather not hear I.  It makes him squirm.  In part, that might be because he has some Erectile Dysfunction issues of his own.  His wife is pretty interested in the implant, but it is just not discussed outside of that narrow circle.

[Pfract]

HEy Asphixya..... you gotta break that cycle man... you gotta find the courage to reach out... If not with us or family, with a hotline on the phone for depression. Staying in that loop won't make you any good. Venting of what hurts you deep down inside can be so hard, but try to reach out to your mom and explain to hear that something is not right with you. Something very private and then take it from there.

Try writing her out a note on a paper suggesting you need help, and that you want to talk to her but don-t know how...seriously.. think about this.

I understand your part about lying to others. I went through that and i still do, because of fracturing my penis. It takes a huge toll mentally... but there are things that ease it up. I even found a girl with is understanding of my situation and i never thought that it would be possible.

Who's to say the same won't happen to you too?

[Old Man]

Hey:

I want to add my 2 cents to the problem about sensitivity of ones sexual organs. This subject was very taboo for many years of my life. I became a ''stall man'' as I grew up. It made me using a stall and commode even just to pee.

I enlisted in the military at the age of 17 for a ''minority cruise'' with the Navy. This caused me much anxiety just to go to the head for any thing ~~ pee or do number 2.

Fast forward through many years of this problem until April 1995 when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 of prostate cancer requiring a radical surgery. My nurse prepped me and told me to just relax as she was shaving my pubic area. I told her about my problem and she gave me some very good advice.

She said that she had prepped so many guys for surgery that she did not even think about dicks or how they looked or what size they were. She also told me that I had to get ''over'' my problem since many nurses, doctors and others would be ''handling'' me ''down there''.

I suddenly realized that my anxiety about my size, shape and how it looked was what she just said. So, I opened up my mind about what she said. And now today, it does not bother me to expose myself at any time during ''pit stops'' and using restrooms where there are no stalls, just open urinals where all Dicks are exposed to the present. I just unbutton/zip and let it all hang out!!

Hopefully, this post will help members who have/had the same problem as me.

Old Man

[Stabler]

I am all about honesty and letting your partner know but I think that if you get to a point that you are willing to share information with others, make sure that you are well versed in the conversation. Be prepared for questions and be able to answer them. Make sure YOU feel confident and comfortable have the conversation which is likely going to mean you have accepted that you have it and done research to know what you’re talking about. If you can’t handle them asking questions, because they will, then don’t open that conversation.

Stabler

[Hawk]

You also have to accept that some people don't want that much information.  For instance, if my sister sat down and started a discussion on her vagina with me, I would probably react less than empathetically.  That would come as much as a result of my sisters' personality as mine because it would be a big departure from our 70-year relationship.  Not to treat the topic lightly, if Catherine Zeta-Jones wanted to discuss her vagina with me, she would have my undivided attention.  We have to be careful not to throw people out of their comfort zone.  That does not mean we can not help them expand their comfort zone; it just means If we are getting to the edge of that zone, we need to proceed slowly and cautiously.

[Asphyxia]

Thanks for the responds, you all seem to have pretty similar opinions on how to proceed, which are definitely insightful

i would like to add that part of the reason for being conflicted is about the the mental problems im dealing with,
and the denial that people expressed when they heard about it coming from me for the first time, aswell as the persona i put on for them to see out of concern of their health.
 and although peyronies might be part of  the reason for the mental struggles im dealing with, there are other aspects to tackle here.

Is it fair to worry others with your own problems? The question is actually deeper than that, is it fair for me to put on a mask and fake a smile for other people that i care about to see? If not, then what about my case where they choose to judge me for mentioning feeling depressed? Or even showing symptoms of depression.

To answer stabler
I was never worried about being vulnerable(except with peyronies) and revealing the dark sides of my mind and things that people might consider personal or are scared to reveal for fear of being judged, however i find that i hold back from revealing anything at all to a point where im restricting myself and feeling like i have to be in full control of the way i act and the ideas or emotions i express for the reasons mentioned above.

And besides, whats the point of being myself around people if i tend to bring a negative aura with me which i cant control unless i fake it, nobody wants negativity in their life, and i spare my family from this negativity, yet i also hide my true self from them.

neoV seemed to express his opinion on this very specific matter, and im quite satisfied with his answer, not to say im not satisfied with other answers, but i feel like i find more struggle with the things i mentioned here than with the idea of talking about my penis, because these are the things that constitute the very base of relationships.
and how could i find myself mentioning private things about my body, and be able to tell what people want or dont want to hear about my body without building that base.
It seems to me like this is a multi-step process, and the talking about my body comes 2nd, not first
 i am definitely interested in hearing more opinions/thoughts.

[Hawk]

Asphyxia,  We all fake it to a degree, including all your friends you are considering confiding in.  A music friend shared a song with me recently. https://www.facebook.com/matthewwest/videos/2893495960873174

I know the message is "be honest," but individually, we are not, and much of society is based on prudent dishonesty.  When casual acquaintances say, "hi, how are you doing'?  it is a greeting, not a question.  We have to use discretion.  We condition others to be with us if we make them feel better.  If we regularly make them feel worse, they avoid us.  Some people will feel better if we open up and allow them to know us and help us.  Others will avoid us, so it all comes down to discretion.  There is no one right answer as to what is best or fair for others.  There is no one best answer as to what is fair or best for us.  In one situation, the solution is to share.  In another, what is best is to sit on it and either keep the conversation upbeat OR listen to the other person's problems.  Taking our focus off of us and onto someone else is one of the greatest methods of finding joy and satisfaction.

[Asphyxia]

I think its a great answer and il probably choose to take it differently than intended and go back to my old ways,
because when i did behave in the ways you mentioned and tried to analyze situations, or attempt to figure out the best course of action regarding the way i communicate with people
The usage of discretion, or the impression i make and the way i condition them to see me, it all results in me simply not enjoying peoples company,

It results in me being in my head as if i have social anxiety or as if im conditioning myself to have a social anxiety and im losing my freedom around people who cant handle the real me
Yet i can handle their problems for hours and advise them on things i never wanted to hear about, as if im being that considerate friendzoned "nice guy" who tries to get laid
Only im simply trying to be nice and composed


And honesly, i feel quite agitated when im the one who tries hard to make effort for the other person to feel comfortable around me, if you are around me you can cry or you can dance
or scream or complain and il pretty much understand your need to let your emotions out
I usually dont judge, i dont swear or raise my voice,  i stay calm while others are mad(or maybe i just think im that way, and they see me another way?)
and yet im getting judged, yelled at, etc

I dont see the point in making such effort and repressing my personality inside and losing my freedom around people who cant see that im being so considerate to their need to express their emotions but wont consider how i feel and just judge me.

I should probably add that i dont enjoy peoples company in general and i find being alone more appealing, although i dont know if i simply dont like being around people or if i dont like it because of the reasons mentioned above.

And honesly i dont really want to confide in anyone with the way things are, its more about the cosideration for their health, aswell as trying to achieve my freedom to be myself around people and let my emotioms out instead of trying to repress them around people
And i dont even mean that i want them to listen to my problems, all i mean is i dont want to act as if all is good, and even lie to make it seem so
after years of doing it i dont find it hard to fake body language, positive voice tones, facial expressions(though i think i have blunted affect) etc, just like a psychopath,
Who wants to do that?

I did try to confine in my friend and get some support, and he ended up asking me when am i planning to suicide lol, no surprise since we both are suicidal and he knows i attempted it.

I really do feel like i am better off not being around people who allow themselves to be themselves around me but wont appreciate it if im myself around them and therefore i think il stick with my old ways and isolate if i want to instead of trying to completely co-exists with people and be comfortable around them.

Its kinda crazy how im noticing the multiple ways that feeling depressed can drive you away from people, never thought that one reason il find myself isolated from people is to save them from myself.

But im feeling kinda bummed right now so i might not have the same thoughts tomorrow.

[Hawk]

But I'm feeling kind of bummed right now, so I might not have the same thoughts tomorrow.

That final statement might have been the most insightful of the entire post.  I have had some short-term minor depression and have close family members that struggle with depression and bipolar disorder.  One of the most important things is to keep a journal of your best days so you can go back to it when you are down and realize that you won't always feel this way.  I think it is that experience that helps those fighting life-long episodes of depression to do better.  It is not that they are any less depressed.  They have just been through it enough to know that there will be better days even though your mind tries to trick you into thinking it has always been this bad and it will always be this bad.

[Asphyxia]

While my mood is stabilized i just wanted to say im grateful for your support,  and share some stuff.
 i try to observe my thoughts and be detached or ignore them as i learned to do with time, but its not easy, its like theres a fight going on between the 2 sides of my brain and im supposed to ignore the voices even when i feel like i agree with them, and that they are a part of me, i strongly agree with you hawk that the mind can trick you,
I wanted to get a nicely designed tattoo representing that idea.

There was a person who called me when i was doing the water fast and she was very worried and i was somewhat too honest with her when she asked if i dont feel like talking to her, few minutes later i got a call from a psychologist who said she was really worried and she wanted the psychologist to call me, he said he wants to arrange for me to study for free in order for me to get out of the house after being sick and isolated for years and he believes this can improve my mood and maybe help with my physical issues.

I had to decline the offer and the help because im awating a surgery but mainly because i cant sit in a class if my penis hurts so much from sitting plus i need to use traction.
Feels like life passes me by and sometimes i just dont want to keep trying, but if i follow that thought then il be setting myself up for failure and i know it too well.
Since i declined the offer aswell as stopped doing martial arts because of peyronies i find myself trapped in my mind as i cant engage in my hobbies and i fear that il never be able do martial arts again for risk of reinjury even after il enter chronic phase, often times these thoughts are just too much to ignore and are a constant stream of stress
I find great comfort here at times like this when i just dont know what to do and those fears take over, i try to do whatever i can to treat this disease without thinking too much, and if i do end up worrying too much i try to remember that im not thinking straight right now.
yesterday i was a mess, today im feeling fine, tomorrow im kind of scared of finding out, but it is what it is.

I feel a bit guilty asking so many questions and starting so many posts but maybe some of you who read this can relate and get something good out of this, if you can find it.

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