Ive attempted suicide before

[Asphyxia]

By Hanging, Dont know if you can call it an attempt because i stopped it while being less than half concious, this was before peyronies, dont know why im writing this, another sleepless night, thoughts yelling in my head telling me to end it,

i dont know if i like it that my brain chooses death over life full of suffering or dislike it that my mind is a never ending broken record and im never present, and always sleepless.

That 1 second before passing out is the scariest thing ive experienced in my life, and ive attempted it few times hoping my brain would shut down before i can react, but i stopped it and it felt more instinctual than anything else, as i didnt even feel how im stopping it while im half passed out.

Ive been feeling numb and foggy for years as the only thing in my mind is the thought of death, amplified after attempting it, only realized it after having my first puff of weed and having and ego revealing anxiety, followed by many more, because i found it interesting to discover myself, which made me feel like maybe i can live.
And then appeared peyronies, feeling so numb sometimes i cant tell if its a dream when i look at my dick, feels like im snapping in and out of it,like im on drugs, having depersonalisation or something, scared to look at women, on tv/outside because its a trigger, and i dont even wish to discover my buried emotions anymore, i wanna numb it even further, till i either dont feel a thing or become detached enough again to not care about my family and also to have enough courage to end it,
Though still trying with all my might to win over this disastrous disseasse and help others with what i have learned so far,
Even though it seems like even the "cure" for this dissease is suboptimal and imperfect, with an eternal high risk of being re-injured again and most likely curved and even if not,still probably sex cant be the same as pre peyronies scary to think of ever getting out of the acute stage just to hop back into it.
Well, atleast i dont bury my head in the sand, but trying to fix this whenever im feeling better. Thought i still hope for having results more optimal than suboptimal, alas.

It isnt my intention to try to get attention and comfort, just laying it out, maybe someone will relate

[RichardWilson99]

Hey buddy,

Thanks for the real comment.  This is a forum for real, raw emotions.

I was once at a place in life (pre-peyronies) much like you were. I didn't ever fully commit to a suicide attempt, but I can't tell you tired I got of my brain telling me to kill myself. You remind me of myself when I was younger and I'm here to tell you, you're going to make it.

One piece of advice I'd give you, try to live for someone else besides yourself. The one sad (and yet ironically beneficial) aspect of this crazy world is someone always has it worse than you, most likely within a 1 mile radius of you.  Try to use what you got to live for someone else, and as time goes on you'll start to settle and calm down more even as life does it dance. Obviously the feeling of impotence isn't great and you're going to have to swallow some pride for a bit and live a more careful life in the short run, but you've already had such impactful life experiences already, you need to help other people out with you knowledge.

Best of luck and feel free to reach out if you want. I struggle everyday, but find being able to control your mind (takes years) is so beneficial.

[D1990m]

It's interesting because I'm reading this as if I could have written it my self. From being suicidal pre Peyronies to Peyronies just solidifying the fact that I should do it. But let me tell you something about this f'~c<+d is disease. After 4 years of battling with it, in some f'~c<+d up way it gave me a purpose to live and you should look at it the same way. I made it a mission in my life to somehow bounce back from this crap and I'm on a nice path right now with improvements from trial and error. Interacting with people you should feel proud of your self that you're battling with something that in many ways some considered one of the most crippling mentally condition a man can ever experience. And here you are, having  the balls to stand up and talk with a smile to another individual without them even having the slightest idea of the battle you're fighting. Have some compassion and pride for your self.  

[Hawk]

The facts are that you need serious professional counseling.  Even people who "Excitement Hang" as an act of auto-eroticism" often kill themselves by accident because they get closer to passing out than they realize and slump onto the rope.

The fact that this was going on before Peyronies Disease only further illustrates that this is not the place to get constructive input on such behavior.  This is a mental and emotional condition far beyond the scope of this forum.  Nothing here will help you fix this, and even finding a miracle cure for Peyronies Disease will not fix this.  Your happiness, productivity, and having a life with meaning to you demands you do all within your power to search out the professional treatment you need without delay.

[Asphyxia]

Im very aware of my mental state and i dont claim that peyronies caused it, only exacerbated it, talked to psychiatrist/psychologist
And it seems pointless, plus ive been making effort to avoid people for a long time so it doesnt work out

Many of the depression symptoms i experience are directly related to my physical health, my mood can change drastically after digesting something i cant tolerate , and i cant tolerate almost everything
Been laying in my bed for years because i had no energy to move,
Used to even pee in a bottle for awhile, and when it was the worst i just slept most of the day and when i was awake, it didnt feel like im awake, it felt like im drugged on some bad substance,
Doctors cant help me, ive tried and i regret ever listening to doctors because they made me believe things i shouldnt have, i took matters to my own hands untill i felt like im just exhausted of trying to fight it, and every battle im fighting is leaving scars in my brain, and i adjust everytime to it just to have another major battle to fight all over again while barely holding on.

Just this year i discovered i need to have 2 or 4 surgeries,both hips and knees, been sick most of my life, this isnt all just mental, the circumstances are terrible and im not made of stone

I remember at my birthday 2 family members came over to celebrate for me and my female uncle made a joke about curved dicks, while im sitting there wishing i was in my room screaming into a pillow or something.

I still smile and i still try to keep my head up , but you know.. sometimes while im laughing really hard at a joke or something, i suddenly remember i have peyronies and suddenly nothing is funny.

By the way i appreciate offering ways to handle it and i wasnt really hoping to get constructive input because im aware it isnt really the place, infact i dont think there is such place , just sharing my experience

[shrunken_dick]

First of all, you should tell your parents that you are so depressed because of Peyronies disease. They will take you to a good urologist and a psychiatrist. Why don't you consider an implant?