Wife of Peyronie's sufferer

[Frankie_the_cat]

My husband has Peyronies.  Early this year his GP wrote to a Urologist but clearly the Pandemic means no non urgent appointments.  My husband (we're mid 50's, married 5 years) says I 'caused'  it (ie dryness).  I cannot imagine the effects on his manhood and masculinity, and have been apologetic and played down the importance of a lack of physical intimacy, but the thing is, he doesn't seem to 'miss' sex, or even become aroused.  I have always had a low opinion of myself, and feel he must no longer find me attractive.  This is having a detrimental effect on our marriage.  Please dont say I'm selfish.  I would hate to hurt him, and feel very sorry, but also feel inferior for not being attractive to him any more.  Any thoughts please?

[RandyPE]

Hey Frankie - so sorry you're both going through this! Because the majority of the forum users are men, we usually focus on our sides of the effects that Peyronies Disease has on the relationships, but don't get much insight into what our wives/partners (even male partners) are going through due to our injury.  It certainly takes a devastating toll on everyone involved!

None of us can speak for your husband and what's going through your mind, but I can share with you MY perspective in MY case that may give you some insight.

My injury also occurred during sex with my wife.  She was on top of me, and leaned back to get my penis to hit her at a really good spot... and I felt an immediate "pop" in my shaft along with a jolt of pain and knew right away that something had gone wrong.  I lost my erection immediately, and within days there was bruising, swelling, then the eventual bend/curve, etc.  That's been 4 years ago.  And my wife has not agreed to be on top since that day. I know she feels extremely guilty for being the "cause" of my injury, but I never have blamed her, not to myself, not to friends, certainly not to her.  The accident happened while WE were having sex, we were both there, both involved, it wasn't something she did to me.  It happened to both of us.

So I'm not sure your husband blames you. At least i didn't.  BUT - I didn't want anything to do with sex for many, many months after that.  I was afraid that I'd break it more, that it would get worse, etc.  And even if i did want sex, my body wasn't ready, so I wasn't getting aroused either.  It's a natural consequence of trauma.  His body is likely just protecting itself.  And at some point, his mind and psyche may wind up protecting themselves, too.  If he's afraid of getting hurt again or worse, then it's going to be natural that his interest in sex decreases.  How long it stays away will be different in every case.  I'd say it was a good 3 or 4 months before I was ready, and didn't even masturbate or pleasure myself during that time.

I will say that open communication has to be both of your best shot for success.  If penetration caused his accident, is he open to other forms of physical intimacy?  If he's nervous or afraid to get aroused, then even cuddling or other non-sexual forms of intimacy may make him nervous, as he won't want them to lead to physical acts.  But only he knows that or can determine what he's feeling and experiencing.  But you may have to lead him to being comfortable to opening up.

If you read very many posts on this forum, you'll be amazed at how many of us have felt an immediate decrease in our manliness, masculinity, confidence, etc. from Peyronies Disease.  It's ironic that 6 inches (on a good day   )of muscle can determine so much of our self worth, and it may not make sense to a woman, but it's very true for most of us.

In my case, when I was ready for sex, my wife was not.  She continued to feel very guilty about being the one that "caused this," even though it was just a freak accident.  That, coupled with both of us being over 45 has certainly slowed things down in the bedroom for us.  But that's an individual thing.  

There's no way any of us sane ones would call you selfish.  The fact that you researched a Peyronies Disease forum, joined, and posted looking for help, shows that you're a caring wife who just wants to help her husband and her relationship.  That's admirable! And he'll come around and see that, too.  Without knowing him, I'd have to say that his lack of interest has nothing to do with you, he does not find you unattractive to him, but he just needs some time to figure this out and what his new normal is, how his penis can function, and what physically is going to work for the both of you.

Keep being patient, and let us know how things are progressing.

If he's not yet a member of this forum, I'd encourage him to join and reach out.  You may need to offer to not look for or read his posts, or to delete your account, so that he feels free to be honest with us with his feelings, but we'll certainly support you or him or both of you with whatever you need.

Good luck to you both!

Randy

[Hawk]

Welcome Frankie, Randy gave you some great input.  You did not cause this.  When a man is genetically prone to Peyronies Disease and he is thrusting a vagina and he thinks it is too dry he has options from stopping to getting lube.  As Randy said, you were both there, both participating.  It is up to him to know how his penis feels.  The truth is that IF that is what caused it, it was an accident.  The majority of men here with Peyronies Disease have no recollection of any accident or event.  So he could have developed Peyronies Disease with no sex.  many have.

Many men lose sex drive as they age, often due to low testosterone.  It has nothing to do with their mate's desirability.  Furthermore, there are few things more distracting than when an erection makes you feel aware of an injury, deformity, or loss of size.  That is hardly sexually arousing to a man.  The fact that most activity centers around a man's penis during sex make them even more aware if they have size loss, deformity, or pain.  I can imagine it would be much like if during sex he was solely focused on your breasts and you had a mastectomy.  You would not want him to fondle or focus on that area because it would just remind you of what you lost.  

So, that is the problem.  What is the solution?  Try to get your husband to join this forum and open up.  Let him know that intimacy to you is being close to him.  It does not require penetration except when he is ready, in fact let him know it does not even require an erection.  Just as it is counterproductive for him to focus on a loss of manhood or desirability, you have to guard against the same trap.  This has no reflection on you.  You must get past that.  You must make him feel confident and comfortable that he is in charge of how far things go and when to quit.  If he feels hold hands only means hard-pounding intercourse is the finale he is even more likely to avoid all intimacy.  If he is slightly intimate, let him know how nice that is in and of itself without anything more.  The less pressure to perform the more likely he will choose to go further.

Honestly, a turning point in our relationship was when I just finally said, " I am going to have sex but you are not."  "I need you to be like an inanimate sex doll and just let me see what works, what positions are functional, and what doesn't work.  Once you start getting into it it is pressure on me to be able to follow through and perform and all experimentation is gone.  It becomes all expectation"  My wife was awesome.  I only needed her to do that for a session or two and honestly, it made our sex life even better as we experimented.  Remember there are hands, oral, toys, and games.  There is lube, Viagra, VEDs, and many other things to try.

Have fun working this out together.  It will take psychological and physical flexibility.