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Author Topic: suicidal  (Read 356 times)

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Inkognito

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suicidal
« on: January 18, 2020, 09:58:29 AM »

sorry for my bad ebglish .i am 22 years old. when i was young my father left me before 8 years. In past 7 years my all family dies except my mother... but i
met the most beautiful angel on this planet... my girl. She is tall, great looking, and she will soon finish one of best collages... and yes she is angel. She in onely think that keeps me alive. I have congenital curvature and this crap of desease caused by doctor. Yes you cant believe it. i went to doctor because small nodule in skin. Doctor take my dick with both hands and broke it like banana. i felt sharf pain for some time after that. I really dont know why he destroyes my life. After him i wisited like 10 more urologist. After i wisited them all now i know what is normal examination and what is not. The whay he examinated me is barbaric. He twisted my dick in oposite directios couple of times. i was scared and didnt know what is he dooing. After that i made 2 ultrasounds in flacid, 1 in erect state and color dopler. all test come back negative like there is nohink. i can onely palpate my big long thin structure on my upper shortest site of dick. i have now 25 deegres left curvature and 45 deegres up curvature( depends on ageld of photo) WITH TWISTING. Black thoughts are killing me and i cant run away from them. i dropped collage on last year because of total depresion. sex is painfull and total depresing. im afraid that my girlfriend will cheat on me in future. she will work with a lot of mans in future... office job. I had a lot more depresing moments in my life but this is the end. i cant take it anymore. doctors says that operation is risk and better live it alone. i cant believe that i paid for examination and that he destroyed my life forever. onely good think about that all is that i got curve the day after exemination and curve is still the same 5 mounths after. i was taking photos of my penis every week and curve is not chanking. i just cant take it anymore. I gave up on my dreams. i was having sex with my angel almost every single day. Ofcorse that she says that she will never leave me. we are togeter every day almost all day. but i just cant. i was hoping tahat doctor made temporary damage... but this doest not go away. im total destroyed. i just dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel helpless. Everything around me is total darknes. i loosed all hope. i loosed my dreams. i loosed everythink and im poor. worst think is that we dont have experts here in threating this desease. when you got this here in croatia you just live with that. but most people who got that are like 60,70, or even more years old. My youth is stolen. I went to a good psychiatrist who paid for the check-ups... one of best here. and i was taking medications.... but i stoped. i wanst happy on them i was feeling like zombie. they calm me down but im still depresed. I CANT LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL... SHE IS MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON EARTH. THIS IS KILLING ME. I just cant live like this anymore. i am jealous, i am depresed , i cry like baby every day. I just cry every day. my life doesnt have meaning anymore. I had really stresfull childhood.i've been through really bad things that are too many to list. I literally watched dad leave and family members die.now i ended up losing college too.when I was going through it all I thought I was a warrior... but i cant take this. like i said before my angel is onely think that keep me alive. AND NOW I CANT GIVE HER NORMAL SEX ... 22 years old. This crap is killing me inside every day... i cry... i cry... and i cry. Now i know that im not warrior...I was forced to survive it all. I prayed for everything... now i no longer believe in god. i loosed all hope. this is not just bad situation, this is not just depressed moment... this is agony. All doars are closed to me and my dreams disappear in fog.... endless fog. i think that i have good testosteron level because im aroused every day. i got erections every day and i need to look at that destroyed dick. if i wasnt born with congenital curvature i think that there would no be probelm . but this is nacceptable. yes i still have 17- 20 cm dick depends how i measure but it is soo
uncomfortabe to have sex. I'm scared of worsening the curve in the future. my "plaque" seems 90 % hard and 10 % soft . what will happend when all that chord liek structure hardened up ? 120 deeegres curve with total twisting ? i just cant anymore.
my peace is stolen and I can't bring it back. I'm literally pouring tears as I write this. this is stupit to say but i am not dumb i am smart person. i just cant take it anymore. I really think I'll kill myself in the next few months. i just cant anymore :(.
antidepressants do not help. i dont need them anyway. they will not cure me. as i said i had really stresfull and bad life and my angel keept me sharp and strong. Now i cant look at her anymore. I cant describe by the words how beautidul that angel is.
my happiness, peace and dreams were stolen. I just can't get away with this.... every day I try to look at the positive things but this is killing me inside every day. i cay i cry and i cry. This crap caant be true. i think that i will and this soon. you guys are warriors im total pusssy.
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samsung

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Re: suicidal
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2020, 10:27:30 AM »

I do not have a solution for you. Others can chime in here. But just know that I read every single word you wrote. And I know exactly what you are saying. We are all here with you and you are not weak. There is no such thing.
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44 y.o. Single. Onset of symptoms (pain-stinging like a wasp) @ 6/2018. No sudden injury. Curve developed slowly. 40 deg. dorsal. Hourglassing. Torsion to left flaccid. 3 rounds xiaflex. Restorex, DMSO+, heat, arginine, cialis, lipoic acid, vit. K2

Stabler

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Re: suicidal
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2020, 03:02:00 PM »

Inkognito,

I want to make sure I am understanding you correctly. You have a congenital cure (a curved penis that you have had all along) but you have not actually been diagnosed with Peyronies, is this correct? I have gone through your posts and I saw that you have seen more than 10 urologists, were any of them specialists in Peyronies disease?

By reading this post it sounds like you went to the urologist because you felt a nodule, before this doctor "bent/broke" your penis during the examination, were you able to have sex comfortably or has it always been painful due to the congenital curve? How long ago was the visit with the urologist that injured your penis? I am asking because the pain may just be from a healing aspect of that situation if it was fairly recent. The problem here is that we are talking about 2 different medical situations so we have to be able to look at them both in order to help.

I am wondering if you have viewed our list of urologists within the forum to see if there is one located near you or that you could travel to. https://www.peyroniesforum.net/index.php/topic,4063.0.html

We have good group of members here in the forum. Don't give up. There are treatments to try and options for you. Suicide is permanent and cannot be undone. If you love your girlfriend as much as you say you do, that isn't something you want to put her through. Let this group help you.

Stabler
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Moderator since 2015- Missouri- I work in the medical field and have strong knowledge of insurance and how to obtain coverage for medication and other treatments. Being a woman I do not have Peyronies but you can ask me anything. I am happy to help.

TonySa

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Re: suicidal
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2020, 03:56:02 PM »

Alex, why ask that question on this guys thread, he’s already distressed enough?

Incognito, as stabler asks we need some more information.  What state was your penis in w the cogenital curve and what changes after seeing the doc who broke your penis.  Also, please check with your doc about a different antidepressant,  this situation can really exacerbate depression.  If the depression lessens you’ll be able to tackle this condition much more successfully.
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PxD 2 yrs 9/16.  Failed all treatment. 9/11/18: excision, grafting & implant Dr Karpman MtnView Ca, AMS CX 18cm + 3-1cm RTEs.
Pump failed.  2/11/20 Dr Karpman installed Titan 22cm +1cm RTE.

Hawk

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Re: suicidal
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2020, 09:52:23 AM »

Inkognito,

I read every word of your post and I am sorry for your struggle and your current pain and depression.  Depression is a huge struggle.  You might be more of a warrior than you shink because you reached out to others and shared your worries, hopes, and concerns.  That is a powerful step that many are afraid to take.

Many experts agree that it is not what happens to us but what we think about the things that happen to us than affect how we feel. 
You think your penis will get worse instead of thinking it could get better.
You think you cannot and will never be able to give your lady satisfaction and intimate pleasure.
You think that your lady will seek sexual pleasure from other men.

These things have not happened.  You cannot read the future. While some of those things are possible the opposite is also possible.  Your thoughts that you know the future have delayed your education.  Those same thoughts can drive your lady away, so you see, it is your thoughts that are robbing you much more than your penis problems.  You must fix those faulty thoughts before they damage you further.  I would suggest you find a good Cognitive Behavioural Therapist to help you stop obsessing on the same damaging thought and help you break the cycle and learn how to think other thoughts and act on them.

When you start to control your thoughts you will find answers to the issues with your penis.

Stay strong.  We are here for you and we want to hear back.




PS: I split the comments unrelated to this post out into it own topic.


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Prostatectomy 2004, radiation 2009, currently 68 yrs old
After pills, injections, VED - Dr Eid, Titan 22cm implant 8/7/18
Hawk - Updated 10/27/18 - Peyronies Society Forums
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