Still struggling, no outlets

[Thisismyusername]

I'm struggling with deep feeling of loneliness and anxiety about my future as well as dealing with chronic pain and inability to have sex because of pain.

My long term relationship ended a month ago and I still feel a gaping hole in my life.  We ended in a big fight and I haven't talked to my ex since we broke up.  I think she probably hates me.  I feel so miserable and confused about the whole relationship and breakup.

I really don't feel good about my future.  I just don't feel like I really have a chance to get what I want in relationships anymore and life as a whole.  Right now I want companionship more than anything, but I don't see how that can happen without sex.  I know that relationships start off with an infatuation phase that involves tons of sex and I can't do that right now.  I also don't want that kind if disruption to my life either.  I just want stability and a partner in life but that seems so unattainable right now.  

I also feel that I am really struggling to come to terms with my damaged sex life.  My sexuality was something very personal and important to me that really helped make life worth living.  It's been so damaged from my injury that it's practically unrecognizable to me.  There is just too much pain and the pleasure is so greatly reduced.  I still find myself having trouble accepting this.  Even though I've had improvements, I get about 1/100 the pleasure out of my sexuality that I used to, and a whole bunch of pain.  The damaged to my sexuality basically ruined what would have been a great sex life in my last relationship and coping with the pain deeply hurt my relationship.  

Ultimately I just feel so alone.  I feel that nobody I know understands what I'm going through at all.  I feel more confused about what I want right now than ever.  I mean there are things that I want but they don't seem realistic.

I used to think I wanted kids but the way things are going in my life I don't see that happening anymore.  I'm getting into my 30's now and don't see myself being ready for that anytime soon.  Maybe I should just give up on that idea.  My life just isn't turning out at all how I had hoped it would.

[Stabler]

I've sent you a private message

[Funny9097]

I hear ya.

I feel the same way, though I'm turning 30 in a couple of months and still feel hopeful about the family, etc.

I still keep coming on here almost expecting some miracle 'solution' to this problem. Best thing I can say is focus on the things you can control in your life and keep trying to move forward and have a positive impact on your life and those around you (easier said than done). At least each day you'll wake up in a better place than not doing that (which is something) and perhaps one day life will be better and you'll feel empowered to have a family/relationship again, etc.

Give it some time (post breakup) and be as productive as you can during that period. Let your emotions settle. I'm sure it's bad but likely not as bad/hopeless as it feels at this exact moment.


Also, if you're at that point (only you can judge) consider an implant.  If the time comes that's something I would consider doing..

[james1947]

Thisismyusername

I would like to say something, to help based on my life experience with Peyronies but to do that I have to read your 7 topics on this board, to understand the picture.
I think it was better for you and people that would like to help you if you had one topic on this board so have continuity of your story.
Regarding to this topic, I understand your feeling even I am much older than you and have a very young daughter as even in my age with my life experience waking-up sometimes in the morning with no eagerness to do nothing. But I have no choice, have responsibility so can't have this luxury.
The most important thing in my opinion is to find solution for the pain. It is just impossible to go forward without finding solution for the pain. What you have tried in the subject?

James

[Thisismyusername]

Funny9097, I agree with your attitude.  I am really trying.  For the most part I think I'm succeeding but every once in a while it all gets to me and I get so upset.  Those are usually the times when I come back here.  That's why a lot of my posts sound so desperate (it's even hard for me to go read my old posts).  My curvature and ED are very mild (to the point where they aren't really any issue at all, even if I did prefer the look and erectile function of my old penis).  The pain is the only problem.  I don't think an implant would help with that, but who knows.  In any case I wouldn't consider one right now.  

James1947, Sorry about all the different topics.  I probably make new ones too often.  I can try to post in the old ones.  I'd love to find a solution for the pain (which is really my only major problem) but unfortunately I just can't.  I have to say though, it really has gotten a lot better over time.  The first year I was in horrible chronic pain, which has mostly resolved.  The second year I had pain for 1-2 days after masturbating and I had to masturbate by barely touching my penis (couldn't stroke because of the pain).  Finally as of a few months ago I can stroke (extra gently and only half normally, but still stroke) and I can masturbate a few times a week with only a few hours of pain afterwards.  So I'm making huge progress.  But normalcy is still out of sight.  

[james1947]

My question is if you tried to do something regarding the pain. I mean some treatment.
Did you see a Peyronies specialist? A pain management expert?

James

[Thisismyusername]

James, yes, several peyronie's experts, and pain management.  Nothing helpful.  Nobody really understands my condition.  It's not common to have this type of pain with peyronie's.  But I do know that I have chronic pelvic pain related to muscle tension that developed after I hurt my penis and this causes a lot of my pain.  It's a difficult condition to resolve but I've had some success seeing a physical therapist.  There is no doubt physical damage to my penis though, which can't really be fixed, but may still improve over time.  

[james1947]

I understand.
What about surgery? Can't help also?

James

[Thisismyusername]

I doubt it.  I wouldn't want any procedure done that isn't well established as it carries the risk of making things much worse.  I'm only 30 so there is still a lot of time for a natural recovery for me.  

[emasculated]

I doubt that after this time your pain is still related to Peyronies. The course of the disease is self-limiting and the inflammation just slowly settles down with time. This takes many months, often it's in the range of 2 years, many specialist give a rough figure of 18 months.
It's likely though that the pain memory is your real problem. A therapist explained that to me that we get used to the pain if it is chronic over many months. It's a learned response which persists even after the original reason for the pain (in this case inflammation) is reduced or gone.
It sort of leaves a trace on the nervous system.
My condition has settled over months very slowly. I'm now almost pain free. Though the function and feeling is not at all what it used to be. I'm also still affected by it and sad that I can't function the way I would like to and is normal at my age.  

[Thisismyusername]

I have found most of my pain comes from pelvic muscle tension.  I have noticed that when the muscles are relaxed I have much more sensitivity to pleasure and not much pain.  When they are tight I have almost no pleasurable feelings and much worse pain and the pain also lasts a lot longer afterwards.  

The good news is this is treatable, but the bad news is that it is very difficult.  I get better, get worse, get better, get worse, and go in waves like that.  Overall there is progress but it is slow.

I think "pain memory" is probably very common for people with any sort of chronic pain, but that doesn't mean there can't still be something physically wrong with the penis making it more sensitive to pain.  But it's hard to tell.  I don't think pain is well understood enough.  

But if pain memory is a component, is there any way to treat that?