Feeling overwhelmed just want to share my story

[bigggg1]

Hi guys first I'd like to say my heart goes out to everyone of you guys who suffer with this or anything else below the belt. I've been dealing with another problem which has held me back my whole life I just turned 30 in September. I'm sorry for the long post.

I had a botched circumcision as child which completely messed my life up and the way I see myself. I'm tall 6'2 and everyone says I'm good looking but not me. It was not a problem until girls came into the picture. In school I was friends with guys who were popular and always sourrounded by girls.These guys didn't have a care in the world. Being friends with these guys really messed me up.

Basically it was like being a dog at a buffet where you're the only dog who is chained up and not allowed to eat while the other dogs didn't even have a collar on and they just got to stuff their face.

I have pushed every girl away when it came time to being sexual" I think we should just be friends". Was what I would say. After a while of that my friends would tease me saying you re afraid of girls blabla and I would just brush it off even though I felt like crushing their skulls. Every time my friends and I would go out there would be more girls then guys.

I finally realised that my life was messed up when this gorgeous girl who I really really liked wanted to go out with me. I remember my friend saying man she really likes you this and that, go ask her out. My response naa man naa, ever since that day I knew my life was f****d.

After that day I'd be out with these guys and saying to myself wtf am I doing here? I'm not going to let myself do anything with these girls even though I was dying to inside I was too ashamed/embarrassed and also I didn't think anything could be done about my problem. The amount of times I had blue balls from girls who wanted me was ridiculous.

So I stopped going out with with my friends and never returned their calls until the calls stopped coming. I went to a few different highschools and graduated when I was 19. After that I gave up. I would smoke weed all day just to zone out of reality. It got to the point where I gave myself really bad anxiety from not going out anywhere. It go so bad I remember not even being able to go downstairs to have dinner with my family because I thought i would be sick.

Fast forward to 26 years of age I finally said f this I cant take it anymore and I told my family and made an appointment with my doc at the time. When I showed her the first thing she said was "I can see why you have your problems but dont worry I know someone who can fix that". That was the happiest moment of my life I remember the day like it was yesterday. Well turns out the doc she wanted me to see was away probably on vacation so I just went to another uro. Huge mistake ,that feeling of happiness and that something could be done took over. Anyone else would be like calm down buddy this is the reason your life is like this. Lets wait for that doc to come back or do some research and find the best surgeon even if you have to travel to the states. But nope I just rushed into it.

Now instead of my member just looking bad but having all the feeling, now Ive lost a lot of feeling/sensation and there is a bump/scar that reminds me of what was there so it's like nothing has been done but loss of sensation and a bump that is not supposed to be there. Example: It's like having a splinter in your finger and rubbing it over and over does that feel good? Basically if I can get the bump removed/flattend some how so i can have a smooth transition it would be amazing but now I have something else to worry about.

So I've realised I have peyronies from the crappy way I hold my member when I masterbate, that and using my extender has made it worse but I did gain over half an inch in length. I always noticed a half pipe and some grooves on the left side but now I've noticed about 4 indents that can really be seen and felt. If I squeeze my member where the dents are they pop out and it feels like the half of a ring when I run a finger over them. Up until realising this I was doing good,I made a goal for myself to get ripped/healthy for confidence and for the past 2 months things were going well until this past week. Ive never felt so down. The thought of having to have surgery and the scars id be left with Is really freaking me out. My life is like this because a big ugly scar so I dont think id be able to handle it. Also Pentox is really worrying me and the side effects that come with it. I deal with enough mental stuff and I also smoke weed. Ive tried quitting but my digestive system becomes all messed up so I started again. What sucks more then anything is I'm still a virgin. It's like I've been in a time capsule for the past 10 years I still feel like I'm 20.

I'd like to try the priapus shot but I cant find anybody that does it here in Toronto which sucks big time. I'm still looking for a good peyronies specialist I've heard some good things about Dr Ethan Grober here in Toronto and Dr Levine in Chicago but I'm not sure,I dont have insurance in the states. If anyone knows someone better please let me know I'm not rushing into anything this time around.

Again sorry for the long post guys I've been debating over the last couple days If I should share it with you guys or not. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity just some advice. Also if you're reading this and have a botched circ dont wait like I did to take care of your problem if it bothers you time is precious trust me I know first hand i've wasted what was supposed to be the best years of my life which i'll never get back.  

[NeoV]

I'm sorry to hear about this man. You're 30 and still have chances for fun even with a sub-optimal penis. Do not take girls seriously, especially the beautiful ones. If you let her know you feel weak she'll use your penis as leverage against you. Show her you accept it and are committed anyway in a positive way and she'll likely go along with you.

Why not take te girls home and have fun with them? Even without a penis at all I foresee myself doing other things with girls. With extreme Peyronies however I would have an implant by that point, which are very nice and effective, not to mention fun since you can perform forever.

Have you tried VED? Oral supplements? VED can help with the dents. Also, now that you know you've been masyurbating wrong you can fix it. The bottom line is that as long as you avoid injury and further trauma, good erections will slowly remodel your penis back to a better state. This is true for me at least.

I tell girls my dick was messed up right away. I show them the spot and the indentation. I know it isn't easy but you simply have no more time to stay in your head. I think you realize this at 30. Something must change.

At a certain point I too got so low and dark, and after my dream modelish girlfriend dumped me and slept with other guys, I finally just gave in.

Oddly enough Peyronie's propelled me into a better mode of living. I now practice pickup almost daily, go to the gym, and practice meditation and self generating a positive mood. I have been hugely helped by your country's very own "Tyler Durden" from Real Social Dynamics.

It's hard as hell, it's like accepting death to move beyond Peyronie's, but we can do this. Glad your on these forums, feel free to pm any of us here, you can add me on Skype as well.

-Neo

[bigggg1]

Neo thank you so much for the response and words of wisdom it means a lot. This is not the end but a new beginning for me and i'm going to get through this. I called Dr Ethan Grober and the wait time is 10 months to see him lol that's crazy.

So i'm going to buy a VED today I prefer to use a manual pump with a gauge so i'm going to get one of those i'm just trying to find a good site to buy it from. I also just need to figure out which supplements are the best so i'm going to do some research. I know one is Arginine but I also know L-citrulline beats the crap out of it.

Right now i've just been working out at home but when I reach my goal I will absolutely go to the gym. I'm going to look into meditation and self generating a positive mood what do I have to lose right? I've also watched pick up vids these guys know what they're doing and are very helpful, i'll check out Tyler from Real Social Dynamics.

I'm definitely going to get the priapus shot done I just need to get a passport and find the doc with the best track record/results.

Thanks again for the kind words and advice I really appreciate it, means a lot.  

[KAC]

Hi biggg1,

Somehow you're going to have to turn the tables and approach girls in a way that allows you to find the one(s) that will accept you and like you the way you are.  Believe me, there are girls out there like that.  It might mean focusing on finding the one you really like.  Plus, everyone has their physical insecurities and problems--any girl you date will have her own.  And really, any relationship that requires you to have a Maserati penis (as my uro jokes) as a starting point is not destined to last very long.  Dating involves finding a compatible person--part of that compatibility is finding someone who loves your personality and character first.  If they do, then my guess is they'll roll with the rest.  

I think your analogy of being the chained up dog is dead wrong.  Everybody has insecurities.  We've all got our chains to deal with.  Having a porno-star type penis doesn't automatically result in the all-you-can eat buffet.  And the all-you-can eat buffet of having sex with lots of different people doesn't necessarily make most people very happy.

I'm not saying peyronies is easy.  It's really hard.  But we get to choose how much power we give it.

I think you should find a good counselor who can work with you on being a solid, grounded, person, who can take pride in the way they've dealt with a bad hand.  I don't mean this flippantly. I've seen a counselor twice a week for a while to deal with PTSD-- there are some really good ones out there.

Sorry if that's preachy.  Hang in there.

KAC

[NeoV]

Couldn't agree more with KAC,

It's hard advice to simply "own it" and commit to your illness, whatever it may be, but as I said you will be dragged down so many times till eventually you have no choice.

As you fight with yourself to generate an emotional high, and you drop back to low, back to high, back to low, and so on, eventually that gap starts to close. Eventually you find that you rarely go low, and you almost always stay in a state of self commitment. It's not easy but my point here is that any kind of effort to generate positivity, always adds up, even if you fall back down. This is why meditation can be helpful, since you are actively gently pushing your mind back from autopilot, again and again and again, until the gap is gone.

My father is a psychologist, and besides having a profound effect on me in all kinds of ways, one of the things he finally told me at my all time low was "well I guess you'll have to just suffer more". This was unlike him, since usually we talk through everything, but I see what he was getting at. It highlights something I sometimes mention on these boards, which is that there is nothing worse than staying forever in limbo. Holding on too hard to let yourself fall, yet never being able to fully rise up and further develop. Of course, suffering is not always a good thing. But I think you can see my point.

It's a rule of nature that the man with obstacles tends to rise up higher than the man without, and this is mentioned countless times by authors and contemplatives of old and new. Reversely, it becomes impossible for a man to make effort when he appears to "have it all".

On a practical note, I do personally recommend the priapus shot. I have had a benefit from it even now after 6 weeks.

Stay strong man! I love to see that you're capable of a good attitude already.

To quote Elliot Hulse's "Your Sickness Makes you Stronger" on youtube,

- "Your injury will be the reason why your legacy will be long living and powerful....own [it] and recognize it for what it is, and ask yourself, how will I now bring a gift to the world through my injury? Everything that makes you sick will also make you a success".

[ThePerfectMelody]

Bigggg1

 Hey man, I feel for you man, I really do. I can relate. I got a bent penis at an early age too and it became a huge problem when girls came into the picture. I wasn't popular like you in high school but became popular in college when I joined a fraternity, surrounded by guys who were chasing girls without a care in the world. Instead of shunning the girls, I hid my problem by getting drunk and high with the girls who were interested in me and sleeping with them in the dark. Kinda like how things took a turn for the worse after you had your surgery, things did for me when I found out at the end of college that I had gotten a std (hpv) because I had unsafe sex a couple of times when I was drunk because I feared I would not have been able to perform and that the girl would notice something was wrong (Terrible decision, but I was just overwhelmed by my situation and was just doing the best I could). I'm not trying to make this about me though: my point is that I know how frustrating and sad it is to be denied the things in life that bring others joy and confidence. I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me.

-Melody

[LWillisjr]

Bigggg1,

1. Don't assume you have Peronies. You never stated that you were officially diagnosed with this. You said you have Peyronies by the way you hold yourself........ That doesn't make sense.

2. Everyone's penis looks a little different. Don't let that mess with your mind.

3. Are you able to achieve an erection? Where is the source of pain?

[bigggg1]

Thank you Neo Kac and Melody for the kind words. While I may not agree with everything said I know it's coming from a good place and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

Bigggg1,

1. Don't assume you have Peronies. You never stated that you were officially diagnosed with this. You said you have Peyronies by the way you hold yourself........ That doesn't make sense.

2. Everyone's penis looks a little different. Don't let that mess with your mind.

3. Are you able to achieve an erection? Where is the source of pain?

Well since it doesn't make sense i'll explain it. I'm right handed but I use my left to do the deed. Basically I use my finger tips, I place my thumb underneath the head on the top side of shaft and my pointer and middle finger on the bottom side of the shaft directly under the thumb and move only slightly up and down.I dont wrap my hand around it like most guys it doesn't feel good that way plus my hands/fingers are huge. My thumb is more on the left side of the shaft so after all these years of doing it in that same spot it has taken it's toll, I have a big indent on the left side and the right side dents outward. Then I have 3 more indents on the left side. They can all be seen and felt.

The left side of my shaft doesn't get enough blood in there and deflates quite quickly. So if i had a normal dick and I didn't have to jerk off in such a crappy manner i'm 100% positive i'd have no issues and i wouldn't even have a bend i'd put my life on that. I can get an erection but not a good one because of the left side. I have mild pain on the left side. So the way I jerk off plus using the extender has made it worse it's simple. If I didn't jerk off this way but just used the extender i'd also be fine. That's why I think the priapus shot can really help me. I know everyones penis looks different.