Relationship "issue"

[29mUK]

I'm fortunate enough to be in a long-term relationship.

I'm also fortunate enough that my girlfriend attends my medical appointments with me, so has met my urologist & heard what he has to say.

Thirdly, I'm fortunate enough that when it comes to intercourse, she appreciates how delicate my member feels - & that we have to be very careful because certain positions can be quite painful for me.

All this said ^ (& believe me, I am grateful to have her), I don't feel emotionally supported. She makes little quips about me "having" to use my VED/traction devices, sometimes rolling her eyes, huffing or asking why I don't just leave it alone if I say "oh I've got to do this..." etc.

& whilst I'm appreciative that she'll let me know that none of this is a "big deal" & that she "doesn't care", she doesn't seem to have put herself in my position to realise that - although she may not - I do care. Arguably, I know I should be happy that it apparently doesn't matter to her; but the cautious part of me is horrified at the idea of this disease progressing to a point where it stops me having intercourse & causes other such issues - because who's to say I'll be in this relationship for the rest of my life? Prior to meeting my girlfriend, women would frequently compliment the size & appearance of my genitalia. The prospect of one day having to pull out & greet someone with a diminished & curved "freaky" penis scares the crap out of me, & I whilst I know the size of a man's penis often means more to him that it does to his partner, I guess I'm a little stuck knowing how to contend with the feelings I'm having.

I suppose my question is this... how do I convey to my partner how scary this situation is for me? (without saying "well if we ever split up..." etc, obviously!). I just want to feel like I can talk to her about the situation a little more openly, without it seeming like it's a taboo subject. As things are, I feel like I'm bottling too much up

[NeoV]

As hard as it may seem, you have to talk about the topic confidently and with a sense of humor.

When she rolls her eyes it's a test, whether she means it or not, of your own confidence in yourself and your sexuality.
You may have to accept that you simply don't get to have her baby you in an unconditional way. She will feel exactly how you feel about your penis. If you can laugh about the VED, have fun with your cock with a smirk on your face, the girl will trust you and feel the same.

It's not fair, but it's the way it is. You need support, but I'm saying that Peyronie's or not, in the end you always have to be the one to initially assert confidence or self acceptance before anyone else can reflect it back.

It can feel as if we're thrown between two extremes, like we have to completely block out the scary stuff girl A gives us in order to succeed, or we abandon her out of emotional neediness in order to find a more needy girl who will support us no matter how much we hurt. The irony is that girl B (the more needy one), actually by displaying her neediness allows us to be confident. So either way you will end up self asserting your own positive value somehow.

The whole VED or traction thing is so silly. Keep in mind that there are guys including me who send girls pictures of our penises in these devices and laugh at it, only to spark the girls adoration even further. Now I'm not saying I'm naturally like this, but I know it works and it slowly turns you into the kind of guy that keeps the girl giving back. I love to show my penis to women and show them where it hurts etc.. and while I know you probabaly are trying to do stuff like this, you have to create a positive attitude or you're going to get crushed. Not by her, but by the test of sexuality itself.

Relationships ultimately always test us in this same way, Peyronie's just throws us into the hardest trial a bit early.

It's hard stuff man... I went through hell with this disease and girls as you may know. I hit rock bottom when my ex was raped and told me I was disgusting, and never wanted to sleep with me. But all this had nothing to do with Peyronie's, even though I thought it did.

I've turned my social and sex life around since then, and honestly in a lot of ways I have the disease to thank for it. You will soon be forced to propel yourself upward and nothing can really stop it once it starts.

[emasculated]

It seems to me you show an extreme amount of trust by including your partner in confidential medical information.
You want to share how you feel about all of this and expect some understanding and support. But all you get is basically some throw-away remarks, eye-rolling and general lack of understanding for your situation.
Maybe you are not as "fortunate" as you think you are.

[29mUK]

[Full quote removed - Admin]

If I'm honest, ^ this is what I had been pondering... but I felt guilty doing so because I know there are guys posting on this board who'd kill just to have someone there at all!

I guess it would be difficult for her to appreciate because she's not a man & she doesn't have a penis. I just kinda hoped she might be able to look objectively & put herself in my shoes.

I'm glad you see where I'm coming from though emasculated. I feel less bad about resenting her for this now lol

Thanks for the words of wisdom btw NeoV - some valid points there   Mind you, the confidence thing... it's easier said than done!

[emasculated]

Yeah, women have a hard time getting what this disease means.
All they would need is to imagine if their face was disfigured by some disease which is incurable and progressive.
It would destroy their self-esteem, break their spirit and make them clinically depressed, just as Peyronies Disease does to a man.
I just know for certain I wouldn't leave nor cheat on a woman with such a condition...  

[Stabler]

Hello gentlemen,

I am very careful about posting replies to these kind of posts because I do not want to offend anyone. that being said. Some women may have a hard time getting what this disease means, but those would be women who in my opinion are not trying very hard to look at the big picture. As I have stated many times in this forum, a relationship is more than sex.

Emasculated states that we would need to imagine if our face was disfigured by a disease that was incurable and progressive, I am not angry about his statement but want to remind him that we have breast cancer, it is painful, with painful treatment, that forces us many times to have our breast removed and even though we can have an implant put in we will forever fear the return of the cancer somewhere else in our body, and the entire time we are wondering if the men in our lives will be looking at us the same way, will they be looking to find someone else.... So yes I believe we can understand even if its just a little. (Just saying)

29mUK, no I don't think that the woman, as thankful as you are/were to have her with you, is the right person for you. there should be no rolling of the eyes or negative remarks made on this subject from a partner, I understand that as men you all deal with this disease your own way, as men you don't really want to discuss it with your partners but as women, as the women who are supportive and want to be there for you, we want to hear from you so that we know HOW to be your support system, and if this woman cannot be that for you then no she is not the right one for you to be with, and you shouldn't have to "just be grateful" to have her.

I believe that I have made my point and I feel like I did it without offending anyone (LOL we will see)

In life there are going to be partners that we are better off without, that only means we haven't found the one we are supposed to be with. Keep that in mind.

Hugs Mamma

[james1947]

Welcome back Emasculated
Stabler, you will get used to Emasculated, don't worry

James

[Stabler]

No no, he didn't offend me at all or anything and he is not the only gentleman to have his opinion, I have posted on this thought before some time back, I am just always careful when I post on relationship issues because I think its really pissy that any woman or man would treat their partner crappy  for something they cant help.

Hugs Mamma

[kuaka]

29mUK

Sometimes "I don't care" is misunderstood.  If she "doesn't care" that you have this issue as far as staying involved with you goes, that is a good thing.  Perhaps she could phrase it a bit better...something along the lines of "I know this is an issue for you and for us, but I value our relationship more"...talk to her about how she uses that phrase, and that while she may mean well by it, it is a two edged phrase.

Long term relationships are good.  My SO actually went with me to my Dr and it is at her insistence that he just wrote my pain management scrips...it is good to have both my and my SO's point of view on how a particular issue is effective my life.  Since then, my relationship with my GP has gotten even better...when I went to him about this issue, he didn't even need to diagnose...took my word for it...handed me a filled but not picked up bottle of Pentox and wrote a scrip for daily cialis on the spot.  Unfortunately, I have not been able to afford to refill either at this time, due to my daughter's medical bills and being between gigs...but I will be getting back on track as soon as I start my next gig (no, I'm not a musician/entertainer... "gig" is industry terminology for "contract").

kuaka

[Funny9097]

I think women who say 'they don't care' genuinely mean it when they say it. The problem is that you and I or any other guy is very different around an attractive woman if he has a severe level of ED.

An example is that someone athletic and 'horny' will be a lot more fun to be around. I watched the movie 'focus' with Will Smith the other day and it is a clear example of that. In the movie Will's character is charming, engaged, attentive, holds the woman just the right way, etc., etc. At the end of the night he then sweeps her off her feet and they go up to the bedroom and have smooth, gentlemanly intercourse.

Point is that 99% of what a healthy penis/male part does in a relationship can't be reduced to getting it up and putting it inside. Women feel appreciated from 'the chase' and want to feel wanted physically and in my experience they can really feel it if you're just dying to take them to bed. This isn't about sex - it's an energy that 'pulsates' into everything you do from going to an amusement park to looking into each other's eyes at dinner to simply the way you place your hand on her leg when watching a movie at the theatre. In my case and most heterosexual males it affects our mood and every part of a relationship with a women we might be both attracted to (physically) and love. Our mood is affected because without that 'need' to be intimate we're not enjoying our night out / time with our significant other as much either.

I don't think that a woman who says that 'she doesn't care' about sex factors this other 99%. How could they? They don't want to admit or would rather be blissfully unaware that even the most compassionate of men do largely 'think with their dicks' and even if they are aware it's a non-starter/bit taboo to talk about.

[james1947]

An I think that woman that are saying that they don't care about sex are fake and saying that just to please us.

James

[Stabler]

That's not true on all cases (sorry James)

[Funny9097]

I think this is really good advice Stabler67 - thank you for this post. We need to keep this in mind (see quote). I think your advice will help me in evaluating whether my current relationship is a good fit.

As this all highlights, this condition really changes us as men. A key example is that before I had this problem I lived much more liberally. I didn't really think about it from a sexual health perspective when I would go out and drink (never went crazy or anything) or be in a room with cigarettes, etc. Now, I want to eat super healthy, only drink very modestly and in small amounts, not smoke, and am more focused on my job/leading a healthy outdoor and active lifestyle. I basically try chanel this problem into positive outlets, which I would recommend.

With that it is for some but not every women's cup of tea (which is totally understandable) and we need to be accepting/aware of this. On top of having to cope with how ED indirectly effects everything in a relationship (in my opinion - see previous post) we now might be 'boring' to her if her interests don't align with the above. She might also not be a good listener or become emotional/find it difficult and glum to talk about how we can best approach this problem and mitigate it's long term consequences. All of this isn't her fault, and as men with this problem we have particular needs that have changed and we have changed - in light of that we may no longer a good fit for our current / many potential partners.

A lot of men (myself included over the years) find this problem difficult to cope with because we want a relationship that is predicated on highly sexual pretences and want to live liberally as if nothing has changed. Often times we are just as crushed about our inability to have this lifestlye in a relationship (and perhaps even more so) than the women we are with. Maybe (even though we can't have the former in the fullest of ways) we don't even want a not-as-sexual relationship. I think coming to terms with what lifestyle/type of partner will best suit our current situation/reality and trying to find enjoyment out of that type of lifestile is step one (and if you are in relationship at the time of your ED or built one on sexual pretenses one needs to re-evaluate if their partner is compatible - I would say that many women aren't!). But that's okay.. the truly good ones are;

Were I single here would be my approach. Personally I would like to use online dating as I could build a relationship with someone entirely outside of my social network (I find if it's a friend of a friend I might feel bad to pile this on them and wouldn't want them to 'gossip' with one another about my issue). I would try to find someone who is really focused on a healthy lifestlye and is very family oriented (I'm 29 so for me this is important). I think a lot of women on these sites are and don't want to get 'played' and are looking for the man who is willing to seek a serious relationship and be responsible anyway. I would be very upfront from the start and 'test' if (as Stabler alludes to) she is resilient and agreeable / is a good listener. Then, once we began dating I would be careful not to set unrealistic expectations in the bedroom. I would set the bar low on this front and then over time 'exceed expectations'. I would put my effort/would build the relationship on experiences (going snowboarding, a night out at the drive in/dinner, etc.) and weigh this much more heavily than the sexual side (and yes, I would still only go out with women I am quite attracted to because I can't personally help it, that's still quite important to me).  

In the end in doing the above I think one would be chanelling the negatives of this sh!^^y problem into positives (or at least making the best of the situation). Who knows, perhaps you can even come out on top!  

Emasculated states that we would need to imagine if our face was disfigured by a disease that was incurable and progressive, I am not angry about his statement but want to remind him that we have breast cancer, it is painful, with painful treatment, that forces us many times to have our breast removed and even though we can have an implant put in we will forever fear the return of the cancer somewhere else in our body, and the entire time we are wondering if the men in our lives will be looking at us the same way, will they be looking to find someone else.... So yes I believe we can understand even if its just a little. (Just saying)

29mUK, no I don't think that the woman, as thankful as you are/were to have her with you, is the right person for you. there should be no rolling of the eyes or negative remarks made on this subject from a partner, I understand that as men you all deal with this disease your own way, as men you don't really want to discuss it with your partners but as women, as the women who are supportive and want to be there for you, we want to hear from you so that we know HOW to be your support system, and if this woman cannot be that for you then no she is not the right one for you to be with, and you shouldn't have to "just be grateful" to have her