Depression & Problems with Spouse

[lcosta12]

Hi. I'm 39 too , and have sustained a penile fracture around 11 years ago. At the time, my wife (whom i'm married to) were having sex; my penis bent the wrong way, and I heard a pop, followed by immediate loss of erection. It was black and blue all over. i took myself to doctors that night, and two more the following day. They told me it was probably a popped vein. I never once went to hospital. That was the most stupid decision I had ever made in my life, as I later found out (much to my devastation) that I should have had immediate surgical repair to the wound. I was misadvised, embarrased, and didn't know what had happened. i thought the injury would just heal like any other. It did eventually, and I managed to get erections and have sex. I have two beautiful children to thank for it.

Little did I know, however, that scarring would be left, followed by later complications (ED, fibrosis, and slight curvature). I'm currently going through another bout of Peyronies Disease. It feels like the disease is getting worse. Pain is progressing, and slight curvature, although I can still get erection. But the worst part of living with this is the psychological impact. There are days I feel near suicidal, and have this cold dread about the future of my intimacy and ability to perform with my wife. I feel like I'm going to lose my sexual function way ahead of my time. The anxiety is tremendous, and I've definately disconnected from my wife - not because i don't love her, but i'm just too afraid of re injury and not being able to get one up. I just don't know how much of this is physical and psyhological.

My sexual health physicans keep telling me i have minor deformity and, though ultrasound reveals scarring of around 2 cm in length on the left side,  they don't think my 'problem' is physically significant enough - it's largely psychological. Anyone had this experience?

[dioporcolorisolvo]

QUOTE REMOVED BY MODERATOR. Please read the forum rules.

30 years, suicide is my only thought during day. I think that this disease is psychologically intolerable for many guys.

[NeoV]

Icosta,

Please hold on, slow down. We are all here with you on this and we are as speechless as you are, but there is nothing worse than having this disease worsened by lack of communication or any kind of relationship imbalances. I am not accusing you of anything here, I am just projecting a bit based on my passed experience and hoping you can find some peace.
Being able to communicate your fears to your partner, and then being accepted, is the basis of what most of us call love. There are other types of love as well though, and I'm guilty of seeking all the wrong kinds historically.

My EX was a non-giver. Completely existing on the superficial layer of life. Everything was fun and games for her, the moment the idea of weakness came up she was freaked out.

She left me because we couldn't communicate. She ended up attacking me twice and took the key to leave me on a rainy street in Tokyo at midnight.

I simply don't know where you will be in a few years with this mentally. I am letting go of things I didn't even know I had been holding onto, and every now and then something new hits me as it slips away out of my grasp and I'm crying to myself here alone.

If you have a hard minded non-giving spouse, the only answer is that you have to own the disease yourself. She cannot and will not accept your peyronies unless you do.
Actually, when it comes to non givers I'm not too sure if they ever accept anything, I think they just exist like ghosts and shadows, following those who appear to be stable and accepting of themselves. The moment they find that other's are not 100% convicted on their beliefs or self-acceptance, they bail.

Now this is me projecting all my past crap on you, and you know your wife and I'm sure she does have good qualities and can listen to you.

I highly recommend you come forward with your fears to your wife if you haven't. Let her know you are scared, but don't push her to accept you.
To be honest, the idea of having to "perform" in front of one's own wife seems silly, since I would never marry someone who would require a performance of any kind.
That be said, I am still single and keep seeking those non-accepting types where tension is the basis of the relationship.

I'm not sure a man with Peyronies can survive those relationships, I'm not sure any type of pain can.
I'm running in circles here but you have two choices, the first is to accept it yourself and never require your wife to understand or accept you,
the second is to open up to her and attempt to develop a mutual acceptance for one's own fears and weaknesses, by far the better option I would say.

You can be sexual with Peyronies, and you can be very successful at it. The key for me has been commitment. Remember that you don't have to have sex or force erections to prove to yourself you can do it. You are committed to this disease and it is not your fault you have it.