Peyronies and relationships

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guyincog

I am posting because I am really depressed about my life and could use some advice.

I have been dating someone for about 4 years now and over this time I have sort of realized that she isn't the one for me.  She is very kind, caring, supportive, generally fun to be around but I am not matched well with her in terms of general drive/curiosity about the world.   I read a lot and she hasn't really once picked up a book that I can recall.

I got injured about a year ago, and it was around that time that I was about to break up with her.  After my injury I was in no condition to really make any changes as I was basically in 24/7 pain and literally couldn't even go to work or anything.

Here's where I am really conflicted and depressed - my gf has been with my through this whole ordeal and been very supportive and caring.  She has made me food when I feel sick, held me when I am sad and started crying, and generally just been incredibly emotionally supportive.  We haven't had sex in over 8 months because of this but it doesn't seem to have caused her outward problems - she was basically been what you would hope for in a partner in this regard.

I care about her very much for these reasons but  I just find myself really struggling to not get frustrated trying to talk with her about anything as I rarely get anything back - it's just incredibly tiring to talk with someone who just has no interest in the things I like.

I'm looking for advice because I feel so conflicted.  On the one hand I really feel blessed to have someone who is a great friend that is there for me and can support me through this ordeal - if we can get through this I feel we can get through anything.  I thought at first it was just that she wasn't a reader or hadn't been paying attention but I've realized it's that she actually doesn't even care.  This extends to even the most mundane things.  I can't talk about good books I've read because she doesn't read, I can't talk about philosophy or life at all because she's just not interested, I can't really talk about music or art because she has no knowledge of these things...life is just kind of bland.  But again, with this injury I am also feel really dejected and pessimistic about meeting someone else.  I feel scared to death that even if I meet someone else who has the intellectual side of things they won't be as good a person as she is.  And again, I really do care about her and would miss her terribly.  If the intellectual side of things wasn't just so out there I would feel a lot better about the relationship.

I don't know what will come of this post.  I'm just looking for advice from those who may have been in a similar situation or just have general life advice.  I feel so incredibly depressed and sad about my life in general.  I have no more motivation anymore to do anything.  I feel like there really isn't a lot left in life for me to look forward to no matter what I do.

Luciano

well, its hard to give you an advice.
All open questions you gave the answers yourself.

Basically the only choice you have is:
Leave her and take the risk not finding better,
or stay with her, and be unhappy all the rest of your life.

All depends on what a person you are, how hard it is for you to get in touch with other people.
You have to take the decision, the risk.
The intellectual side is important, but usually you dont have fun with intellectuals.
Also ask yourself: are you ashamed of taking her out with your friends? To introduce her to people that are important to you?
Make a list of pros and cons.
Then strike out the cons and pros that match.. example:
"having a good time with her" would take out the "she wont go and see tony blair with me"
and so on.
If the "pro" list is longer, stay with her... if the leftover "con" list really longer.. then leave her.

BUT whatever you do, do it quickly. The longer you wait, the more she/you can get hurt.

Thats my 2 cents.

Luc

Jigsaw

This is a toughie, and only you have the answer.

I think the key giveaway is "I really do care about her and would miss her terribly".

Yet you say you are not in love with her anymore. That says presumably that you were once. Now she is not your soulmate - but where is it written that someone who was once your soulmate should remain so for the rest of your life? People change and grow apart. The trick, I've found, is to learn to appreciate each other for what they become, not for what they once were. And there is something about this woman that you can appreciate - her kindness, her supportiveness and the fact that she sticks with you even though she doesn't understand your rich intellectual life.

The best matches are not between people who are identical clones of each other, but between people who complement each other and learn to dovetail together. It sounds as if your intellectual life could be complemented by her emotional side.

But to make that work, you do need friends on your level. Your gf doesn't have to be the only person you interact with. My wife and I have grown to have totally different interests, yet we manage to live separate lives and meet somewhere wherever there is an overlap. If you can find a way of doing that, you might survive as a couple. The alternative as I see it is to try to stay friends, so that you can still enjoy her emotional support without feeling any obligation towards her - the downside being that her support would then be voluntary, without any obligation in return.

Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Does she have similar doubts? People rarely fail to pick up when a partner is distancing him- or her- self from the relationship. Chances are she is looking for a compromise too to keep things going...

And that's my tuppence worth...



Trust me, I'm a statistician...

james1947

I will start quoting Luciano:
Quotewell, its hard to give you an advice.
I will try to say something based on my 64 years in this world (a big part of it I still remember)
You have written
QuoteShe is very kind, caring, supportive, generally fun to be around but I am not matched well with her in terms of intelligence or general drive/curiosity about the world
It is mission impossible to find someone that will be 100% as you or even close to that.
From my experience, the first part of your statement above is much more important in the long range especially if you would like to build a family.
One thing that you should ask yourself as Luciano stated if:
QuoteAlso ask yourself: are you ashamed of taking her out with your friends? To introduce her to people that are important to you?
If the answer is NO, I don't think you have a problem with her.

Regarding interest in the stars or other scientific, philosophic or politic subjects, from many woman I meat in my life (and many of them university graduated) I had just one interested in those subjects. I didn't marry her because she was not
Quotevery kind, caring, supportive
You can have friends that are interested in things that you are interested, as many of us have.

Regarding your sentense:
QuoteI care about her very much for these reasons but I'm also just not in love with her anymore
I will say that during the years (four years in your case) the things we are calling love are getting less and what remain and can increase during the time is the feeling we want to care about someone with us.

I may be an old chauvinist, but still today in our modern world the majority of the woman (no % here, just my experience) will like to have a split of jobs in a family when you are the provider and can be the support for her in bad times, a shoulder to cry on and she will take care the rest.

The bottom line is, everyone can tell you what he thinks, but the decision should be yours because you will bear the consequences, good or bad.
Wish you God will guide you to take a good decision.

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

MtnSurf

Guyincog

That's a pretty complex situation you're in. I think you need to be honest with yourself about how you feel towards her. If you genuinely don't feel that strongly about her you're setting yourself and her up for a lot of grief down the road as the relationship progresses. Maybe I'm reading between the lines a bit; but how afraid are you of dating again with your injury? Do you stay with her because you feel women won't be too enthused about getting involved with someone with peyronie's? You didn't go into any detail about the severity of your injury, so I don't know how bad it is or if you have peyronies. Like anyone on this site I know how devastating this condition can be and how it can drastically change your outlook, your sexual nature, the dynamic of a relationship etc. If your injury is bad enough to inhibit penetration how do you try to approach that with someone new? I'm 42 and appear to have peyonies with a lot of complications and honestly can't say that I would even want to date if me and my current GF were to split up. But if things got really bad between us and I felt like we were wasting each others time or I was miserable I would walk away.

It sounds to me like you know you don't have a lot of common ground with your GF but are afraid to take a chance on something new due to your injury.  

LWillisjr

guyincog,
What type of injury did you have. You didn't mention or imply that the injury is Peronies Disease related. I'm just trying to determine if this post is in the proper board.
Developed peyronies 2007 - 70 degree dorsal curve
Traction/MEDs/Injections/Surgery 2008 16 years Peyronies free now
My History

james1947

guyincog

Can you detail a little bit more regarding your symptoms and if you was diagnosed by a doctor as having Peyronies?

And I will quote Iwillisjr
QuoteWhat type of injury did you have. You didn't mention or imply that the injury is Peyronies Disease related

If you will give us some detail, it may help us to tell you our opinion regarding treatment for the disease

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

guyincog

I injured myself about a year ago, noticed a dent about a week later.  Have 2 lumps on either side and pretty bad hourglassing.  I have been to a urologist who said fracture and peyronies.  

james1947

guyincog

Did the uro give you some treatment?
Are you doing something already to fight this disease? If yes, what and for how long time?

I think that in addition to dealing with your relationship with your GF, you should deal with your relationship with your Peyronies.
It may help you also in the decisions regarding your GF.

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

guyincog

I broke up with her on friday.

I feel I've made a terrible mistake.  I don't know what I was thinking.

james1947

What you have told her why?
How she reacted?
Why you feel you have made a terrible mistake? If you feel like that, try to get her back!

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

guyincog

I don't think I can get her back.  At about the 3 year point I broke up with her very briefly so this was my second shot.  Literally the day after I broke up and reconciled (basically I got down the hall and realized I'd made a mistake) I injured myself and started going through the personal horror we all understand.  I think I technically had a penis fracture that has healed into a form of peyronies...no curve but huge dents and deformity and tons of debilitating pain even to this day.  

I spent a lot of time thinking about things and basically all the advice that was given in this thread I ignored.  I focused a lot of my attention on the fact that she didn't have the same interests as me.  I held grudges against her when she'd get angry at me instead of realizing a lot of the time it was for things I had legitimately done wrong.  I was VERY disconnected from her - I never phoned, didn't make the effort to be there for her when she asked, this past year didn't even cuddle with her when she asked...stuff like that.  I guess I thought I didn't love her but really I did, I just was very focused on my own happiness instead of realizing a relationship is a two way street.  I stopped seeing the good things she brought to the relationship I guess.

There were definitely some elements of the relationship that really bummed me out.  For example I was talking with her about the whole philosophical thought that 'we are just the dreams of a sleeping giant' and how we don't really know whether we exist or not and her response was 'no, I just know'.  As in she couldn't say 'that's one way of looking at it'.   When we went camping she didn't know that stars were suns.  When I brought up Guantanamo Bay she didn't know what that was.   All we really did at night was watch trivial TV shows - I tried to get her interested in something like chess but she didn't want to do something that made her brain hurt.  When I brought up that she never read things which contributed to her not knowing stuff like stars were suns she called me a knowledge snob.  That comment in particular was really horrifying as it made me feel like she basically disdained learning.  I held onto that comment in particular as it made me put into context all the lack of knowledge I felt she had - as if it wasn't that she didn't know stuff but that she didn't even care to know stuff.  I could accept her lack of knowledge but it was the lack of interest in learning that scared the crap out of me.  I held onto those kinds of statements and thoughts and it's basically what made me think we were unfit for one another.  

All that being said she was with me through this whole ordeal in VERY personal ways.  I cried in her arms so many time because of the sleep deprivation and pain.  She came over and made me food and gave me praise every time I could push myself to do a little more.  When I stopped leaving the house she started coming over to keep me company.  I stopped having sex with her and couldn't even cuddle cause it made me excited and she never really complained.  She didn't have an unkind bone in her body and was just incredibly forgiving and supportive of me in pretty much every way.

I would appreciate more advice about my life.  I do feel we should have stayed together - that I should have tried to talk with her about these things more and reconciled the grudges I held instead of deciding they were deal breakers.  She had made efforts to listen to what I said - she was reading more and open to new things more - but I just held onto some ideas which I think I probably should have let go.  Anyhow, thoughts and advice are really appreciated.

swolf

guyincog, it's hard to know what to say because lots of your thoughts do reach some sort of conclusion. What in particular would you like thoughts about?

You may not think you can get her back but you should try.  

james1947

guyincog

After reading your last post, I would like to make a few points based on my own experience.
Don't have really black and white not in relationship and not in anything else except digital electronics that is '1' or '0' logic. Life is different.
I would like to advice you to do everything you can to get her back, but based on my own experience I don't know if I have the right to do that. I had my first wife for more than 20 years, facing the exactly same things with as you are detailing with your girlfriend.
In my had was that if I will find a woman that is in my level (what and arrogant way of thinking) I will be more happy. I had a few girlfriends and now my wife for the last 6 years and nothing gone better. Sometimes even much worst.
What happened to me is exactly what old Romanian people are saying:
You have saved yourself from drowning in the lake and you are falling in the well.
Or Thai people:
You are running from the tiger mouth and you fall in the mouth of a crocodile.
So the decision of what to do is really very difficult and you have to take it alone. You have two option:
* To try to get her back.
* To go forward and try to find someone that will fit better for you.
For both option (forgive me for the expression) you have to grow up (I am not sure if myself at 65 succeeded in the subject), stop feeling so mercy about yourself, try to find a solution for your Peyronies. And solutions exists
If you will be proactive regarding your Peyronies and not concentrating in it full time job, you may find your way. I don't know your age but I think you are much younger than me so give it a fight!!!

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

guyincog

31. I will be going to dr to start looking at pain therapy/management.  I tried pentox but had a really bad reaction to it so had to stop.  Waiting for natural healing but the pain has become debilitating.

Funny you should say that, I'm a programmer and 1's and 0's are how I think. :)  As for advice I guess that's it - have I reach the right conclusions here?  Life experience is something I am lacking so I'm open to any and all advice.

OH! And how do I get her back?  I'm really stupid about that kind of thing.

Hawk

I spent most of my life on a quest looking for the perfect woman.  Imagine how elated I was when I finally found her, but to my astonishment she wasn't interested in me.  Her heart was set on a perferfect man.     ;)
Prostatectomy 2004, radiation 2009, currently 70 yrs old
After pills, injections, VED - Dr Eid, Titan 22cm implant 8/7/18
Hawk - Updated 10/27/18 - Peyronies Society Forums

guyincog

I sent her some emails and I think more importantly really looked at who I am and why I made her unhappy - not just by breaking up but how I was bad to her all through the years.  Kind of crazy how much learning I'm doing about relationships and love in the last week or so.

Left her some flowers and a note trying to explain what I was thinking and she called me.  It made me really happy. :)  Dunno if it fixed things because she ended things still really sad but I'm happy she at least gave me a chance to talk a bit.

I also started taking some tylenol 3 (basically codeine) and I felt normal for the first time in over a year and a half.  Not a long term solution but I think a good indication I need to go to the doctor and get referred to someone who specializes in pain management.  I was definitely letting this disease control my life a lot more than I needed.

Dunno if you guys care about this non-peyronies related gossip. :)

swolf

If she keeps letting you talk to her, just be as honest as you can be. Honest and open like your life depends on it. Say you realize you have work to do on yourself, etc. That's about all you can do. And hope for the best. :)

james1947

QuoteI was definitely letting this disease control my life a lot more than I needed.
Many of us are doing the same. :(
Hope you will get her back as I see you realised how important she is for you ;)

James
Age 71, Peyronies from Jan 2009 following penis fracture during sex. Severe ED.
Lost 2" length and a lot of girth. Late start, still VED, Cialis & Pentox helped. Prostate surgery 2014.
Got amazing support on the forum

HFB

Sometimes people are only meant to be in a phase of our life. Society needs to quit instilling that every relationship has to have forever potential.  It is an obligation to be honest with your partner.  If you feel this way it is an injustice to stay in the relationship and not let her move on.  What if inside she feels the same way for other reasons?  Does anyone ever feel good about feeling obligated to be or stay with someone?  No!  There is a 50/50 chance she may be able to stay friends yet expect that to taper off considerably once she finds a new guy if you aren't besties.  By all means don't marry her as little likelihood she will start your synapses firing in the future.  Not everyone has a curious mind let alone joyful soul.  Emotional and intellectual fulfillment is way more important than sexual fulfillment as you aren't having sex 24/7.

Stabler

HFB, post is from 2012 I am not sure you will get a response, just thought you should be aware.
Moderator since 2015- Missouri- I work in the medical field and have strong knowledge of insurance and how to obtain coverage for medication and other treatments. Being a woman I do not have Peyronies but you can ask me anything. I am happy to help.

LWillisjr

Topic is locked due to the number of entries for an introductory topic.
Developed peyronies 2007 - 70 degree dorsal curve
Traction/MEDs/Injections/Surgery 2008 16 years Peyronies free now
My History