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Author Topic: Is it me? Partner thinks trying someone else may overcome lack of erection.  (Read 4564 times)

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bobbi

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I just found out that my boyfriend has been trying to find someone else to give a sex a go with to see if he can't get hard because he's not attracted to me. 
WE have been dealing with his Peyroni's Disease for the last couple of years.  Initially, we were still able to have sex, but as the scar tissue grew, he (in his words) became freaked out just by touching his penis.

I love him unconditionally, so gently tried to make moves on him, but he turned me away, so I stopped trying so I didn't embarrass him.  Our sex life has been like this for the last year.

Now, I find out that he thinks if he just tried it with Viagra and 'someone different' it would work.  He says he doesn't want a relationship with anyoe else and would/will regret losing me, but thinks someone different trying to get him hard may be the answer. (We have tried Viagra with me and it no longer gets fully erect)   Also he has been Diabetic for years and also taken ALOT of Viagra over the last 15 years.

I am hoping that someone else who is suffering with Peyronies Disease can offer some insight.  I know this disease must mess with his head, it does mine, but what I am trying to figure out if there's any hope or should I just move out.

He says he wants me to stay, but........      Men and ladies, I would appreciate any advice you can give me.    Should I cut and run?  Thank you for any insight, I'm really lost.
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james1947

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Hi Bobbi

First I would like to say that I am really sorry for you that your boyfriend don't understand what you are sacrificing with your unconditionally love.

Some on the forum get support from they life partner and it was more easy for them to overcome this horrible disease, some not.

To the point of your boyfriend ED:
Peyronie's does make ED and diabetes also. The reason he can't get fully erect even using Viagra is because he have Peyronie's and diabetes and not because you are not enough attractive for him.
Quote
he thinks if he just tried it with Viagra and 'someone different' it would work
maybe for the first time it will work because of the excitement of something new, but on the long range it will be a complete failure.

To overcome the ED problems he have to address seriously the diabetes and to treat his Peyronie's. Nothing else will help.
He have to see a doctor that have real knowledge in Peyronie's (not too many out there).

Quote
Should I cut and run?
It is very difficult to give an advise in the subject. What I was suggesting to you before cutting the relations (if you really love him) try to make him to understand that he is less important for you. Maybe he thinks that you are there because you have no choice.

Sadly he don't understand how important is in his situation to have someone like you beside him. Hope he will understand before it will be too late for him.

James
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bobbi

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Hello James,

Thank you for your kind words, it made me feel a little better. 

I read my post and your reply to my boyfriend and he told me to tell you, and I quote:

He just needs some strange.

What do I do?
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james1947

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Hi Bobbi

Peyronie's is a devastating illness for a man. It is affecting hard psychologically because most man see our erection as the most important thing and can't change that.

I am proposing you to read together with your boyfriend my post on "Introduce Yourself" and maybe other posts there also to see how some other woman have reacted when their life partner got Peyronie's.  Even my relations with my wife are back on track, mainly because of my 2&1/2 year old daughter, it will never be like before, she regrets every day what she has done and myself also.

The problem with his answer
Quote
He just needs some strange.
is a psychological need, an obsession because he thinks that it will help. Personally, as I have written before, it will not help.

Regarding your question
Quote
What do I do?
the only thing I can suggest more than I have written already is to see a psychological professional. Even though I think I am a strong man, it helped me once in the past, with a different issue.

I hope my English is clear enough.  It is not my native language.

I wish both of you to successfully pass together through those bad times.

James
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LWillisjr

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I tend to agree with James. Peyronies can have a devastating effect on men. It can affect us depending on our individual symptoms. This can range from mild to severe deformity, no ED or some form of ED, etc.

Has your partner for sure been diagnosed by a doctor as having Peyronies? And is he pursuing or trying any type of treatment?

I agree that sex with someone else isn't going to help his condition. He needs to see a specialist and seek treatment for the Peyronies/ED. Some on the forum have gone as far has having an implant and are VERY pleased with the results. I would encourage your partner to seek treatment for his Peyronies/ED instead of seeking other ways to sexually stimulate himself.
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Les - 10 yrs Peyronies Disease free
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Hawk

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    • Peyronie's Disease

I struggled over whether I would respond to this post because much of the question at hand depends on the values, morals, and attitudes, of the people involved.  Some people insist on fidelity, faithfulness, and monogamy.  Others are happy with open relationships where parties "sleep around".  I can't set your standards but I have a few questions and observations that might help you decide.

If he wants a little strange, would it be OK for you to get a little strange to help you settle once and for all on whether you want to commit to your life with diminished intercourse?  In the unlikely event his penis works with someone else, what would that mean.  Would he then bring his miraculously fixed penis home to you???  Would he continue to bed her and be your roommate and friend???  Would he go with her since she seems to be a better match for his penis ???  What are you supposed to do while he shops around to see what else he can catch.  I used to fish in a lake where you could keep one fish.  We would catch one, keep it contained and fish for another.  If we caught another, we would compare the two and keep the biggest one.  It was a great system for us but I never considered using that for women.  Where does love and commitment fit in?

My guess is that this will play out like this.  He will try to bed another woman and either fail in the first attempt or very soon there after.  At that point he will tell you, "well I couldn't find anything better so I guess I will keep you.  By then you will be disillusioned and tell him to drop dead because an important bond will have been diminished.  He will lose the one thing every man here treasures above everything else he could find, a supportive committed woman to stand by him through this battle.  You could of course live with him and the pain of knowing he is there because the could not catch a better fish but....

I can play no better outcome for this.  Those are my thoughts.

PS: I think every man here knows that the best hope for intimacy and improved sexual functioning is a trusting committed woman who is willing to experiment, fail, try again with another approach, and do so in a loving atmosphere of mutual commitment and love.  This is the setting where people and penises thrive.  ;)
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Skjaldborg

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Bobbi,

It is not you at all. Your boyfriend is likely having erectile difficulties due to symptoms of Peyronie's combined with diabetes. This is not your fault. All the "strange" in the world is not going to reverse his condition.

Discussions about open relationships need to come at the beginning of a relationship. It is not fair to spring this on someone and claim that it is necessary due to a condition they are facing. As a sufferer of Peyronie's myself, I know it's a tough thing to handle as a man, but it's no excuse to treat loved ones with disrespect. Yes, we get angry sometimes; yes, we mope around depressed and sometimes refuse sex. But asking for permission to cheat on a ready, willing and able partner is crossing the line. If you are unmarried and have no children involved, I suggest considering moving on. You would be doing so not because he has Peyronie's but rather he is no longer being considerate of your feelings and needs. I sincerely respect your supporting him and understanding up to this point.

Best,

Skjaldborg

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bobbi

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Thank you all for your generous and loving feedback, it is truly incredible to receive such forthright support from total strangers.  To answer your questions:

I am not or ever will be willing to participate in an open relationship.

I understand that seeking 'strange' is a an attempt to re-build his ego and can't imagine how he would/will handle the blow his ego will take when he can't perform.  I have asked him the question, if it worked with someone else would he come home and end our relationship or keep seeing people behind my back.  If it doesn't work with someone else (which is probably won't, his case is severe) will he continue our life together, but only because he feels he has no choice?  He said he hasn't thought about all that, he's just been thinking about trying it with someone else for about a year now, to see if he can get hard with someone else, maybe he's just 'been there too many times' with me.  Coincidentally, it's been about a year that he has been unwilling to even try intercourse with me.  Oral sex efforts stopped about 6 months ago when his disease progressed to the point that he really can't achieve much level of erectness at all.

I really love Hawk's story about fishing and keeping the best.  If my BF was looking for someone better, I could almost understand it, but he has come clean on his 3 attempts over the past year and I have seen the few women he reached out to and they are really icky. When I asked him about this he said he's not looking for better or worse, just different. Boy, it really hurt to hear that.  He would risk losing everything for something that means nothing.

I am very beautiful and an excellent partner, his rationalization to that is that even Halle Berry, Christie Brinkley, Eva Longoria, etc. get cheated on.  Men just need 'different'.

(This all came out because he make an attempt to hook up with an old friend on an upcoming business trip to NY.  He told her that I still lived here, but only because I wouldn't leave, that we were not in a relationship any longer.  She took it upon herself to email me and let me know she was going to NY so that I would be prompted to move out.  I called her and confronted her and she made this clear.  I feel like she did me a favor because, up until that moment several days ago, I thought everything was going along fine and we would be together forever.

The only thing that is keeping me here at this moment is that nothing has actually happened yet - yes - he's made 3 attempts, but was unable to get anyone to cooperate.  Once the deed is done, so am I. 

I keep making all of these excuses for him, he's turning 60 in June and this is hard for him, he's lived an exciting and naughty life on the road in the music business and settling down may be boring for him, he has a disease that has taken away something that defined him and messed with his head.  But, these are just excuses, aren't they?

I'm beginning to see the cruel truth that if I was the one who was unable to have sex, he would leave me in a minute.  No, probably 30 seconds.  And the fact that he can look me in the eye and tell me that he wants to see if someone else can get it hard for him is too much.
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james1947

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Bobbi

After reading your last post, I see my proposals to you as too soft and not in place.
I don't know you and your boyfriend personally but he makes me angry!

He tried three times already? He will try again until he will gets it. I am sure he will make a joke from himself!!! Let's see how his ego will be then.
Why should you wait until he will does that with all the associated stress?

Make it clear to him that there will not be a way back from your side if he does that. Maybe it will make him understand.
Or just move out, see how he will react.

James
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Iseilinus

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Hi Bobbi,

It has been a long while since I was in a sexual relationship, so I am no expert about such things.  I do know that Peyronies Disease can mess with a man's head and have strong psychological features. Your man definitely sounds like he is pushing you away for whatever reason.  Hopefully, he is being rational and considered, and really wants to move on for good reason.  Instead sadly, it is possible that he may be acting from a place deep despair and a psychological need to hurt himself and make his existence completely futile.

That kind of drama is really above my pay grade and likely the same for most here. Fortunately, the damage is not done yet, and there may still be time to sort things out with a good couples counselor. you both have my best wishes going forward. Good luck!

The only thing that is keeping me here at this moment is that nothing has actually happened yet - yes - he's made 3 attempts, but was unable to get anyone to cooperate.  Once the deed is done, so am I.  
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HFB

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Re: Is it me? Partner thinks trying someone else may overcome lack of erection.
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2017, 08:46:52 AM »

I understand his rationale for a piece of strange to test his erectile abilities yet like the aforementioned said the newness may or may not make a difference physically yet I am sure psychologically he is wanting affirmation he is still a stud.  Unfortunately he seems to be overly optimistic that his unit will work as desired and what the fallout will be to his self esteem if these pieces of strange reject him, don't handle the presentation of or the encounter well.  Moreover...Why would a guy risk further injury with a new partner unless he divulges his condition and any sexual position or pace requirements?  A hot new partner often incurs fast & furious, high intensity intercourse vs the soft n tender manner in my history and preference actually.  He would have to preface that he likes to take things slow and sensual even if he doesn't divulge he has Pey.

Guess it is up to you if you can handle your own and his fallout no matter how this goes.  The least he could do is consider how his feelings and actions could affect you and the relationship.  Becoming a swinger is challenging enough on a relationship let alone with pey I imagine..  Even if you agreed to the trial you should have a say as to who he does and ensure a condom is used.  Idk...I think he is being one-sided with his thinking and this is rife for collateral damage.

You don't have to stay in the relationship yet perhaps involvement of a rational third party in the form of a sex therapist is in order?  Good luck.  Please keep us informed as I am sure other couples are going through this.
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